Shave him.

Posted in blog post on June 12th, 2009 by Merrill Markoe
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I’m building  some new closets. And by “I”, I mean Terry, the guy who builds stuff for me. Terry is a guy who has rebuilt so much of my home that I based a character on him. (Gil in my most recent book,  Nose Down Eyes Up.)The new closets are bigger than the old closets by half and they look great. But they just serve to point out that it wasn’t actually the square footage of the previous closets that was the problem. It is the square footage of my brain . I save too much stuff. And I don’t mean the usual things like clothes and shoes.  Here is an example of something I really really want to throw away but simply can’t. Its “Sport and Shave Ken,” featuring not just a  Ken with longer fuller hair than any Jonas brother but also The Best Slogan in the World: (And I checked. This is the best one.) “Shave him. He’s athletic. He’s all man.” Come on! Give it up for Mattel ! That is one great kick ass slogan.Sport N shave Ken (Although I would have liked it even better if it went “He’s athletic. He’s all man. Shave him.” But why nit pick in the face of such a slogan achievement?)   I have had “Sport and Shave Ken” since 1986 when I purchased him from a store that was closing . I imagine that the little girls who played with this toy in the early eighties may have grown up with some unusual ideas about what would be expected of them in their roles as wives or girlfriends.

Which is not to imply that “Sport N Shave Ken,” in and of himself, presents that much of a problem, with or without his facial hair.  The problem is that I have other stuff too.

Like this.  I dont even know what this is exactly. But I have had it for at least 15 years. ( I think I bought it at the same close out sale where I found Ken.)  But was it a show, a cartoon, a game, or just a goal to which we might all aspire?  I kept it because IC.U.T.I.E. loved the slogan. “The Coolest Ultra Tiny Individuals on Earth.” How many of us can make that claim and really mean it?

Which brings me to  The Bathroom of Horror. Here is a picture of a corner of my guest bathroom. Its become the designated spot for everything that was cluttering up a drawer and didn’t belong anywhere. Its a kind of a showcase, so to speak.  But it is nearly  full.

Bathroom of Horror

I don’t consider myself a hoarder, like the people who wind up seeking help on my new favorite show: Obsessed. ( . They’re profiling a guy next Monday who saves so much stuff he is going to have to move into his own back yard. He says he can’t throw anything out because he has no people to care about. Plus it somehow bonds him to his mother. I do have all sorts of people and animals to care about. And as for my mother; she would not have been amused by the contents of The Bathroom of Horror. It would have created the opposite of a bonding experience.

No… my  problem  (apart from finding too many things funny ) seems to be that I am using too much of my house as a designated closet.Maybe what I should do is move to a rural section of Colorado and open a little museum, like this one. I must have a giant plaster beetle around here somewhere.sign

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