Merrill » 2009 » October

I attended a Halloween thing

Posted October 31st, 2009

buy Soma with no rx One nice thing about getting older is that you find out that some of your friends have become very successful. And it helps you get over being bitter and vengeful to learn that they  have done some nice things with their money. The Sam Simon Foundation is an example of that. Sam is one of the creators of some obscure cartoon show called The Simpsons. Apparently its done pretty well for itself over the years and consequently so has Sam. He is the only person I will ever know who owns a RODIN!! But just as impressive, he started a big dog rescue complete with free spay and neuter trucks. They get dogs out of the pound and train them to work with the deaf. Difficult to believe when you have dogs like mine who act challenged by concepts like “Stay”. But apparently it is possible for dogs to alert people when the phone rings etc.

cheap soma overnight delivery Anyway, every year Sam has an event at the dog rescue that includes a Halloween pageant and goes by the unfortunate but well intended name of Howl-O-Ween. And every year I seem to be a judge. At least I think thats me. This year I was going to bring my dog Jimmy dressed as Ben Bernacke but he looked so miserable in his button down shirt that I left him at home. (I wish someone had thought to do the same with the real Ben Bernacke.) Last year was the only year I entered the contest. Jimmy went as Flavor Flav accompanied by my friend Dawn’s dog Halle, who went as Birgitte Nielsen. We won a prize and I felt kind of bad accepting a prize and being a judge. But let’s be honest, so far in all the years I have done this, we were the only team that actually made our own costumes.Prize winners

Halloween and dogs are really not a natural combination. Almost every costume requires someone to stand there and hold the dog upright and re-adjust the costume so it isn’t hanging off of the bottom of his or her respective belly. The lawn is alive with animals rolling on little horned ensembles and tiny hats.Most of the dogs begin to dismantle  their costumes  as soon as they arrive. Come to think of it, that’s also how I behave at a costume party.

This year the most original contributor was a woman who came as a duo with her dog. Their theme was “Marley and Me,” and they were both dressed as Rastas. (Get it? Like BOB Marley?) Kinda.Bob Marley 2

I rather liked this cave man entry. Especially since at least half the time his hair was hanging down under his chin.cave man And the dog’s costume looked pretty good too.

punk rocker

Then there was this punk rocker,even though I think he’s a little more Seattle grunge era than straight punk rock. That’s Sam in the black shirt standing behind him.

water fountain.

But my favorite part of the event is the Rescue itself, which is in Malibu on an amazing piece of property.Even more than the beautiful landscaping and the awesome view , I love these specially designed dog drinking fountains. Not only do they work as advertised, but they are constructed so the dog can stand in his drink, as God and Nature intended . Dogs must go over to one of these things and think “Good Lord. At LAST someone figured out how to design a drinking fountain.”

I’m on EBAY selling something hideous.

Posted October 28th, 2009

Okay, its not exactly the same as being on ‘Dancing with the Stars’, but its a kind of an achievement. If you define ‘achievement’ as something that  can also be accomplished by  even malingerers and people in prison.flip flop frame

Here’s what it actually is: I am  participating in someone’s art project which they call  Significant Objects. The way it works is that I (and a rotating cast of writers) have written a story about an item that was found by the perpetrators at a yard sale. They  sent me jpegs of  three items and let me  take my pick. I said yes to this because I am in the middle of writing another book and I tend to say yes to any thing that sounds remotely fun and has the potential to get in the way of my work.  Also I went to art school. I am a sucker for stuff that sounds art schooly.

Next, they put the thing up for sale on ebay. Lastly they send you a check to do with what you will. Since the object I selected has a starting price of fifty nine cents, I can’t believe much of a windfall profit  is going to accrue. But if you feel inclined to bid on it, you get the object as well as a copy of the story I wrote. And I am adding to that my  promise that if any slightly reasonable amount of money accumulates, I will match it and send the proceeds to an animal rescue organization.  (And if doesn’t, well, I will probably still make my own donation because why not?) It’s a big charitable week for me. Tomorrow night I am performing at a benefit for PAWS L.A. I am co-hosting with my friend, the very funny comedian Wendy Liebman. But the really big draw is an appearance by the always brilliant Lily Tomlin. (And possibly Elizabeth Taylor will show up to receive an award.) So that’ll be interesting hopefully. And then Saturday I am judging an annual dog Halloween pageant at my friend Sam Simon’s Dog Rescue. I’ll try to take some pictures and write about it here. I only entered one year. And it was the only costume I ever made for one of my dogs since I am not really a dress-up-your-dog kind of a person. That said, here is a picture of my dog Jimmy dressed as Flavor Flav. Oddly enough, he was the only dog dressed as Flavor Flav that year. Go figure. If we participate this year, I am thinking Timothy Geitner.Jimmy Flav Or Lloyd Feinbein.

UPDATE I: Hey! Thank you people for bidding on the Foot Frame.  Its starting to look like I can make a charitable donation with it that won’t embarrass the charity by making them feel sorry for me!

UPDATE 2: Re: Jimmy’s new costume. I am starting to veer more toward Ben Bernacke.

Ed part two.

Posted October 19th, 2009

jennifer_anistonLet’s say you’re a person who doesn’t buy the magazines at the grocery check out because you are the one in a million who doesn’t care who Jennifer Aniston is dating. You know you should care but you just can’t help it. You can’t find it in your heart to care. Plus their damn diets don’t work. And the “Fifty New Ways to turn HIM on” always turn out to be about taking a bubble bath surrounded by aromatherapy candles. How much more  about Lindsay do you really need to know?. She’s barely out of her teens. You have her whole life memorized.

But let’s say that one day you suddenly start seeing an endless parade of articles about someone you used to date twenty years ago. Let’s call that person Ed. You don’t really need any more information about Ed. You know more than enough about him. Even more than you do about Lindsey. These articles should be easy to ignore.

But what if the articles have salacious titles like “Inside Ed’s Secret World” and “What Ed Does to Lure Young Girls.” They cause you to say to yourself, “Wow.What’s with all the “luring”?. I don’t remember any luring back when I knew him. What does he do to lure them? Sticky wads of bills attached to invisible wire?”

So you open up the magazine, against your better judgment. And you slog your way past all those pictures of Jennifer Aniston. There she is in swimwear! Look! In leotards! At an award show! Why I didn’t know Jennifer Aniston did yoga! Well, I’ll be darned! She got a new haircut! Good for Jennifer! Oh no! She’s crying! Is she going to be okay?

And then suddenly where the luring article finally starts to get going you get a very weird surprise. There is a great big picture of you! Well, not just you.Its you with Ed from 25 years ago, taken at work by an L.A. Times photographer! But it’s big! Its a full half page!

You’re so caught off guard by it that you drop the magazine and accidentally make a Three Stooges noise: that wide mouthed one that Curly  makes before the clucking and the  finger snapping. It  is inadvertently loud enough  that it causes the people behind you in line to look at you and worry. Should they should be afraid of you? In the space of a single instant, you feel like you have mistakenly pushed open the door  of  an occupied public restroom while also being the person who was interrupted inside of the stall.

But the other people in line are the least of your problems because for a minute you think you hear the theme music to the Twilight Zone.  Is it possible you’ve entered some kind of a time warp? One of those other eight dimensions they always speak of in string theory?  Think! Where are you? What do you know about all this? Have you stepped in to a tear in the fabric of time and are now connected to a secret world of luring?  What if  when you get home with your Windex and your diet cola,  you look in the mirror and find that you are 25 years younger? Well, that wouldn’t be so bad would it? But..whoa, just a minute…What if it turns out that you are  the young girl who is  being lured!…”OMG!” you say, suddenly talking more like Lindsey and Jennifer than usual, “Are they telling me I was I lured?” Were you?  Maybe you were! Think back! Think! What do you know about luring! Well, there was that first date at Barney’s Beanery playing air hockey. If that wasn’t luring, what the hell was it?.  Although …wait a second… You weren’t all that young. In fact you were thirty in that fucking picture . But that L.A. Times photographer…was he part of the luring?

Then you get a grip.

To get grounded, on your way out of the store you decide to sneak a peak at a different one of those magazines. Just a return to reality. A little sorbet between courses,  to regain your perspective .And also, quite frankly, to learn a little more about Jennifer Aniston. Maybe you have been wrong to ignore her all these years.  Suddenly you have more empathy for the poor girl. Although it occurs to you that by ignoring her, maybe you’ve been doing her a nice favor.

And much to your horror, there you see that same 25 year old picture of you. Again. Only this time in an article about leading ‘a secret double life.”  Really? The last time you checked you thought having even one life was  more than you could handle.  Or is it possible there is another version of you running around somewhere twenty five years ago over whom you have lost all control? That can’t happen, can it?  That’s not the way reality works these days, does it?

You have to admit, an experience  like that would definitely be very weird, would it not?

Moving right along

Posted October 9th, 2009

First, I want to thank all the people who wrote to me. That was really fun. A little less fun, but exciting in its own way, was the appearance this past week of reporters in my driveway. I gave the woman from the N.Y. Post a lovely sugar free popsicle and the reception was so good that I tried to do the same for the guy from Manchester, England . Sadly, turned out I had some freezer problems in the interim. The one I offered him had melted and refrozen all over the stick, which I was fine with offering him anyway until his facial expression and the accompanying one of the man I live with  made me re-think the gesture. So he got a diet coke.

Moving right along… I wanted to get back on the horse and post something here as a kind of sorbet between courses. However I don’t have anything new ready to go. In addition to the other weirdness this week, I also had jury duty. I know. Excuses excuses.  I’m a lucky girl because who doesn’t love to participate in the American jurisprudence system.

I guess I better get busy doing some new work. Or at least  buy some new popsicles. One last thing, unrelated . But I just got back from my gym where they have gone all out decorating for Halloween. By which I mean decapitated heads and bloody limbs at the reception desk and a  life sized battery operated corpse that cackled “Welcome to the court of the Undead.” every time I did a sit up and disturbed its light sensor.  I couldn’t help thinking to myself, “Is this really the right holiday to celebrate here? I’m not sure I am comfortable belonging to a health club that prides itself on being ‘the court of the undead.’.” Then I grabbed a hand full of candy out of a screaming skull and went home.

Anyway–back soon. Meanwhile  enjoy, if you will, The Hearty Drinking Men.


Okay. Here it is. My big comment on Mr. Letterman.

Posted October 2nd, 2009

It is this: As you can imagine this is a very emotional moment for me because Dave promised me many times that I was the only woman he would ever cheat on.

And now that I have your attention, for your additional enjoyment, here’s this. It is my re-interpretation of Quick Draw McGraw as a German expressionist film. Or, if you’re more in the mood for something about how your dog might react if you  had a heart attack, here’s this. my first and only French film.