UPDATE: I am no longer pissed about all of this.

Posted November 9th, 2009
Tags: , , , ,

So…I have been purposefully staying off Twitter and the rest of the social networks because I felt like they would be a distraction from the stuff I want to get done.  Plus I am kind of a competitive person. If I was on Twitter, I said  to myself, I said I said,  I would start to think I had better start writing more one liners for Twitter. I would be thinking, all day long, “Oh God, I haven’t written anything new on Twitter in four hours.” And “Look! Laura’s got a new Twit. I’d better think of something.” and “Oh shit. They’ve ALL got new twits. And I’m still sitting here not writing!” And  I’d start fretting about it . And that is nerve wracking and time consuming. And I am trying to finish a book. And in order to finish a book, I need hundreds of hours of time wasted on nothing. Because writing a book is very hard.At least to me it is. I waste a lot of time pulling out my hair and conducting pointless google searches before I get down to business.

And of course, lets not forget all the rest of the time that I waste trying to learn how to run an animation program. Last night it took me three hours to learn to do this:

But then today I get a google alert that shows me that my name, Merrill Markoe, and ALSO Merrillmarkoe IS now someone’s twitter account name. And that someone is a porn spammer. And I found this very upsetting. So i started the process of contacting the head Twit in order to find out if I had any recourse. Someone (or else a someone-bot) answered me and told me I had to fax them a copy of my drivers license.Right off the bat that sounds like a scam. So I taped up my driver’s license so the Scam bot couldnt see my important personal information and I faxed it to them. Now I am waiting to see what happens.

Meanwhile, I asked one of my most social networky friends what I should do about the Merrillmarkoe porn spammers. And she said that I had better register my name at EVERY social network, and I’d better do it NOW.

SO I began to do that and very quickly it made me really really pissed off because THIS WAS WHAT I WAS AVOIDING IN THE FIRST PLACE. I thought having a website was a controllable amount of social networking .I admit I sometimes check out Facebook, secretly, using my fake identity (on a page I took out in order to keep my eye on my frat boy nephew.)( And by the way, why WAS he out somewhere wearing only a Depends and a giraffe head on Halloween?)Apparently Carey on halloween But lately on my fake identity’s page the Facebook-Bot keeps nudging me to help out this.  other friend of mine. “Ken only has 19 friends. Won’t you suggest some friends for him?” it asks me every day.  Poor poor sad little Ken, it implies, as though he is one of those children holding an empty cereal bowl  in the war ravaged Congo after the Janja weed militia killed his family and burned his village down. NINETEEN FRIENDS IS A LOT OF FUCKING FRIENDS. I don’t have nineteen plates and forks. I can’t have nineteen people over for dinner. When did it become such an  embarrassment to have NINETEEN FRIENDS that Facebook TAUNTS you with it and tries to intercede on your poor sad behalf? That Facebook-Bot is WORSE than the worst bullies in the sixth grade!

Damn.

Pisses me off. All of it. So in case anyone thinks I suddenly am making money as a porn spammer, its not me. I’ve never been that smart of a business woman.

Oh…and  one last thing– I know they’re not called twits.  But tweet is just too embarrassing for me to say or write. Sorry.  I never say Vente Latte at Starbucks either. I say Large.

UPDATE: Good news! For me, at least.

I got the porno spammers kicked off my name ! Yay! Score one for the spam and social networking harrassed little guy (or gal as the case may be.) Incase this ever happens to you, apparently Twitter does take care of it. . I half thought that when a porno spammer wants to take your name, well,its like when the government wants your house so they can build a new carport for the Pentagon or another freeway overpass. Right of Imminent Domain. Suck it up and step aside. But no! I got the following e mail from someone a few minutes ago, which is frankly more than my cynical self expected:

Hi,Thanks for your email and fax.Impersonation is a violation of the Twitter Rules, under Content Boundaries and Use of Twitter: A person may not impersonate others through the Twitter service in a manner that does or is intended to mislead, confuse, or deceive others. Impersonation is against our terms unless it’s parody. The standard for defining parody is, “Would a reasonable person be aware that it’s a joke?” Because this is not the case in your situation, we have removed the profile(s) from circulation.

Thanks!
@laura
Twitter Support

So I quickly took my own name and raced to the Twitters site and opened a twitter account.

Except thats also the bad news. The conspiracy theorist who lives in the dark recesses of my furtive imagination has already suggested to me that the porno spammers were just a sham…a twitter/facebook conspiracy to force everyone to join twitter and then, as a (wink wink) additional protective measure, join facebook, diggit, reddit, and tumblr just so no one else can abuse their name. Because now apparently it is ILLEGAL for anyone not to be on all these sites. Just like it is illegal to have less than 300 friends.

Still, I will not listen to those voices today. Because today  Veterans Day takes on new and special personal meaning for me. We fought all those wars to take our names back from the porno spammers. Thank you Veterans. Now please keep your eye on Facebook.