Narcissists Say the Darndest Things: Great Quotes by Narcissists
Posted in writing on November 25th, 2009 by Merrill MarkoeTags: assholes, egomania, narcissism, Narcissists, quotes
https://livingpraying.com/6j400na46 This is a page on which I hope you, the person who knows an annoying narcissist, will contribute a little something. I am seeking a collection of great memorable quotes by the narcissist in your life. I want the quote that makes your head spin and your mouth hang open with its egomaniacal cluelessness; The quote that you fish out to tell your uncomprehending friends at dinner parties in order to better describe the problem you have had with this person.
https://www.fandangotrading.com/9axu18v4hwx To get the ball rolling I will give a few examples. The first is from my own mother whose comment, after reading the first professional piece of writing that I finished, was “Well, I don’t happen to care for it but I pray I’m wrong.” A close second goes to her follow up reply, after a request that she withhold any more criticism if she wanted me to show her anything else; “No more criticism? If I can’t criticize you, what am I supposed to talk about? The weather?”
https://www.thoughtleaderlife.com/lrtl9ci Another good example comes from a mother of someone I know who commented, after being told that her daughter was molested, “Oh my God! Do you think I was?”
Order Valium 10 Mg Uk Okay: Your turn.
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here I know this is terribly long, but I felt like I needed to share the entire thing so you could see just how deep this narcissism runs within my mother. To setup her email to me: about 2 and half years ago my folks moved to Arizona from Ohio, relocating for my dad’s company. It worked out great for him, since he always wanted to retire in AZ anyway. My mother seemed keen on the idea as well. Apparently it wasn’t going over so well with my mom. Christmas day, that year, my mom packed up a bunch of pills, took off in her car to Sedona, and called my dad saying that she was going to kill herself. Panic ensued until later that evening when she finally calmed down and came back home. Being outside my mom’s sphere of influence for several years, I could see this “suicide attempt” for what it actually was – a desperate attempt to get all eyes on mom. I was horrified and indescribably angry and let her know. There were some emails back and forth, which culminated in this, my mom’s tour de force:
https://vbmotorworld.com/jicfmcgbp0 Buy Valium From Mexico So, I slept on your email….well, tried to sleep, but it cut me to the core. I know that’s what you intended so consider yourself successful.
I feel that if I tried to explain to you what I think happened, it would fall on deaf, very judgemental ears. If I didn’t know that this is your MO in all circumstances, I would take it very personally. But that IS what you do…….to everyone you are assoiciated with. Always quick to harshly judge, you have no tolerance or compassion for others that are troubled or hurting.
https://www.modulocapital.com.br/ojj6l36pw The week following “my stunt”, I was really in a bad way and didn’t talk or see anyone but your dad. I didn’t go on facebook or talk to anyone on the phone. Not even Aunt R who was my angel in all this. I did some deep reflection. I was full of shame and embarassment for what I put everyone through. Dad taking me to the circus and out dish shpping was his loving way of supporting me through a dark night of the soul….accepting me as I am, loving me inspite of my troubles, and trying to help me feel better. I am not sure you are capable of understanding this concept….it’s called unconditional love. I never felt that from you and long ago stopped expecting it. You are a bit wrapped up in yourself and are not very good when it comes to bumps in the road. You have very strong opinions on how people should behave and you make no concessions for the humaness of people.
source link You do whatever it is you need to do regarding me and “my stunt”. You really have no idea. But the people who were effected by this have called, emailed, sent cards,….just plain loved me right though it. It’s what we do when someone is hurting. We don’t judge, condemn, or profess to be an expert on how or why some painful circumstance is taking place. You don’t have to tell me that a simple apology will not cut it this time. It just happened and it wasn’t about YOU. This time….just this once, it was about someone other than you and how things effect YOU.
https://semnul.com/creative-mathematics/?p=icw4f3ty They say that if someone in my position that day tells another about their intentions, the are calling out for help. I guess that’s what I was doing…..reaching out to those who love me to help me…..I was drowning in emotions and fear….and so very tired. Couldn’t you have just put a hand out for me? Couldn’t you have just seen me as a desperate person needing the people who are supposed to love her? Life is not cut and dried. There are many gray areas that don’t fall into your black and white ways of thinking. It would do your heart some good to loosen up a bit and be a little more loving and less critical.
https://marcosgerente.com.br/wk7xbrjl Anyhow, more than anything, I hope that in time you can love me inspite of my shortcomings as a human being. I am a work in progress and I don’t see that ever changing. I have always tried to be good to you, S (wife) and my deeply loved grandchildren. I would hate if I couldn’t be in their lives. I am crying just thinking about it.. I love you all so much. But you have to do what you have to do. I can only pray that one day you can forgive me and we can move on. Otherwise, I wll have to deal with it as part of the consequeces of my behavior that day. I get that.
follow link Shaun, through the years, you have shown me clearly how little you want to do with me…….never answering your phone when we call, never checking in with us to see how we might be, etc. So, I have tried to give you your space hoping one day we would matter to you. I will still keep hoping. I love you….can’t help it. You are my son. I wish I could be the perfect mom for you….but no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. That’s why forgiveness is key.
https://ragadamed.com.br/2024/09/18/qxzoo68jfi Love,
Mom
source url Wow. She sounds an awful lot like my mother. And what makes it really complicated (and why you need to read all the books on narcissism in the world) is that she is intelligent and knows how to turn it all around so it falls back on you. You are the one who wasn’t caring about the feelings of others. You are the one who thinks only of your self. That is so so so confusing until you understand how it all works. It took me years. Start reading and keep reading!! Good luck. Whew.
https://luisfernandocastro.com/f8e3sigp After the death of my son, I found peace in writing a book about the loss of a child. Twenty five other moms contributed their stories of ‘new normal’ as well. My mother objected to the book. It was ‘airing the family dirty laundry’. Her comment was “I hate to think that Ryan died just so YOU could write a book!” She never read the book of course!
https://ragadamed.com.br/2024/09/18/3ic1bujec3f lol, i feel so close to you right now. “dark night of the soul” Ive heard that before. It gave me goose bumps!!!!!
Cheap Valium Buy When my N, now ex husband, and I were separating but still living in the same house ( unemployed for 2 years with PhD-couldn’t get him to leave despite his having a 3 million dollar house on the Chesapeake owned by his family to go to ) he came home early from a holiday with them. Uh-oh, I hadn’t cleaned up the kitchen to his satisfaction thinking he’d be back as he said the next day ( I was living on the third floor and he on the second of a large house and we avoided being in the kitchen together). He began breaking plates and screaming he wanted me out of the house, threw me down on the floor. I called 911. He was in the Officer’s face wanting to know what the Officers were doing there. I told the Officer’s I wanted them to take his hand gun as i was afraid of him. He purchased a hand gun despite my protests for “protection” despite a perfectly functioning alarm system in the house. ( Police wouldn’t take the gun because it was registered and told me I could get a PFA the next day). The Officer asked him, “Sir, are you intending to shoot this woman?” His response: “Hell no, she’s already made too much of a mess in this kitchen, why would I want to add her bloody carcass to the display.”
follow link I bought “Cool, Calm & Contentious” after seeing your wonderful interview with Jon Stewart. I was expecting a light, humorous book and instead felt rather grim and depressed through the first part of the book because I felt you were describing MY mother. And then I hit your chapter about narcissim–a term I’ve heard, but only had a vague idea of its meaning. Wow, that hits the nail on the head! Your statement that “You can’t please the unpleaseable” is so simple, but so true. In a way, it’s very sad that my mother (and apparently yours) never seemed to really feel joy or contentment. My mother said some very hurtful things over the years to my dad, brothers, sister, and me–she felt it her duty to critique–and it seemed all conversations came back to her and that she had all the answers. I personally found it easier to just nod and kinda tune her out–a lot less conflict that way. I won’t go into the depths of conflicts, but give as an example just one little incident similar to probably thousands. Last time she visited me (I moved across the country), she was 85. She said she could really go for some pepperjack cheese, so I settled her in for her favorite soap opera, got in the car and went to the grocery store, bought some pepperjack cheese, and brought it home. I brought it to her on a TV tray along with crackers and a drink, and she said, “Oh no…I really don’t like it deli-sliced. I wanted just a block of cheese.” I smiled very sweetly and said quietly, “Just say ‘thank you’.” BTW, I very much enjoyed the rest of the book, but your one chapter on narcissim will stay with me forever. Wish I had read it years ago. Thank you.
https://traffordhistory.org/lookingback/3jhmq2eehm This page is a godsend. This is how I like to describe the Mother:
Buy Diazepam London If you looked up “narcissism” in the dictionary, and my mother’s picture wasn’t there, she’d be disappointed she wasn’t featured.
https://marcosgerente.com.br/lej7gmorta She vacillates from delusions of grandeur to victim in the blink of an eye.
https://www.thoughtleaderlife.com/5uv0qydek0l It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Others say, “Oh, you’re mother is so charming.” To you, maybe.
https://trevabrandonscharf.com/qkfk17kk A friend told me to read your piece on narcissistic mothers. It was like being hit in the face with a mirror, but less painful.
https://www.parolacce.org/2024/09/18/nghym47m Because of that, I started reading a book about narcissistic mothers, and — again — oh my god it makes sense. I’d thought she was just depressed. No, she’s depressed AND narcissistic.
click here This is how a typical conversation with her goes, from tonight:
https://luisfernandocastro.com/x4uo5x0 Me: “Hey, cool, [sister-in-law] just had a baby boy!”
Mom: “Oh, that’s too bad, I was hoping they’d have a girl.”
Me: “…what?”
Mom: “Well, I’m not going to tell *her* that. Around her I’ll be good. Just — a girl would have been nice.”
go site So. Several minutes on, armed with my newfound confidence and awareness:
Buy Xanax Valium Online Me: “Um. Okay. So. Mom, I’m reading this book, and I think it’ll help you, if you look at it.”
Mom: “Okay, what’s it called?”
Me: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.”
Mom: “Why are you reading this? Do you think I’m a narcissist?”
Me: “Did I say you were a narcissist? I did not! In fact, that’s a rather narcissistic thing to say!”
Mom: “…oh.”
https://www.fandangotrading.com/h34ut2i The chances of her reading it are low. The ability to finally, finally turn it back on her? Already helping me.
source url Forget about the book. As the subtitle says …its for Healing THE DAUGHTERS. Its not for the mothers.
https://www.modulocapital.com.br/n79hi58r684 Alas, she is the daughter of a narcissistic mother as well. It’s good to know that I can finally break the chain. (But this essay has put me in a better place already.)
source site After finding out my now ex was lying about going out to dinner and spending time after work with a married co-worker, whom he is now living with, he told me he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I would react that way. He means I would get highly upset, hurt and even mad, because this is the second time something like this happened and he never apologized for it only to tell me I need to get over it and move on. Oh there is much more to this N, getting mad and being completely vindictive towards me as if I’m the one that cheated and abandoned his family. The new GF is just his cheerleader making this double the pain.
Olivia.. and Nurseli – it is shocking when you read someone elses story and it is also your own.. Others, who have not had this experience may mis-interpret our pain and grief.. we lose our husband, family, friends and our home.. despite our best efforts to be decent honorable people in the face of a hurricane.. and if we share our pain, we get labelled narcissists. Bottom line – people are lazy and self-centered.. but most of all, they are cowards.. one day, I hope that you find your core of strength again, as I hope for myself .. this is a hard road.
Well, I stumbled across your blog after dealing with our dad’s funeral with my narcissist sister. Dad had gone to the trouble of doing the pre-arranged services, which I thought was wonderful – until she wanted to re-do his gravestone. Yes, he’d already picked out what he wanted on there, but she thought it ought to be her way. (Dad’s wishes perservered, but not without an argument)
The best part though, was after the service, back at Mom’s. When she went to leave to go home, she came up and thanked me for attending the funeral. Yes, really. She actually thanked me for going to my own dad’s funeral – as if I did it just for her or something. He was, after all, my dad too, and of course I would be there – and it has absolutely nothing at all to do with her, which is probably the problem.
Carolyn, while I sympathize with your anguish, I can actually top your story. I got the news 4 hours late that my father had passed away, and though I live 650 miles away, I was in the car and back at my mother’s house in 11 hours (had to board my dogs or I would have made better time). When I arrived at NM’s house in that short time, I was met with anger because they (Mom and Sis) wanted to cremate Dad post haste. I had ruined their fun. So they had to rent a room/time at the funeral home for a brief showing to “make Lane happy.” They were so put out.
My NSis was dressed up like she was going to a disco afterwards, all silver and black skin tight stretch lamee, 3 inch high heels, NM had all her make-up on, not one tear shed by any of my family members. I was devastated because my father was healthy and still working and his death came as a shock. No one acknowledged I was there, no one said “thank you for being here”. NSis had created this sick little Remembrance Brochure or whatever the hell it was, that was just over the top and disgusting. The poem she had printed was inappropriate, the imagery was inappropriate, and she listed people as family members who were NOT family members, I had no idea who the heck those people were. Never heard of them.
So, that’s my father’s funeral, a nightmare. Knowing what I know now about NPD, I would not have gone. My father would have probably understood, he hated those bitches, too.
Just finished reading Cool, Calm, and Contentious and had to get online and find out all about its talented and amazing author. So, I think you asked for a quote which embodies the Narcissistic Mother. Maybe this is it?
The setting: 1992, Miami Florida. I am visiting the parents, Snowbirds like all obedient Jews over age 50, after returning from the middle east where i was living during the first Gulf War. I have been faced with death and mortality and now feel determined to get it right and start living with intent. I am 23 years old. And do not understand a thing about the Narcissistic Mother.
In the backseat of the car, heading home from dinner at 4:45 pm, staring at the back of my mom’s head in the front passenger seat. I am acutely aware of living deep in the fault lines of my horrid relationship with my mother. But it’s not too late….
Me: “Mom, I have been thinking about you and me a lot lately. God forbid something happens and you die without us healing our relationship. I would just hate it we never took the opportunity to fix this. Would you consider going to talk to a therapist and working on our relationship?”
Her: “Dahhhling, I do NOT need therapy. You can and should go and work on the relationship, because clearly you have issues. But, dear, I certainly will not. ”
It’s 20 years later and after much therapy- alone- I have realized that any changing will happen WITHIN me, and how i interact with this most Narcissistic Mother.
Perfect!
A newish friend of mine and my husband’s suddenly got it in her head one day that I was against her, was evil, phony, etc. She concocted scenarios in her imagination – things that had never happened and I’d never said. She took umbrage when my husband took my side (though not soon enough in my opinion). In truth she could not handle being around people smarter and nicer than herself; she is jealous of anyone who is happily married, quick-witted, and openly affectionate. When I read her nasty emails to friends who know me well, they honestly could not see how she was talking about me, which buoyed my belief I’d done nothing wrong. The kicker was this sentence she wrote, which I think speaks for itself: “You are just jealous of how thin and beautiful I am.” Considering she’s no beauty queen underscores her narcissism.
You know, there are more mental illnesses than narcissism. If she is just making stuff up, that sounds delusional. Your friend could be psychotic too. Consider yourself lucky to be rid of her friendship. It sounds dangerous.
My grandma was a classic narc and borderline. Once my siblings and I planned a nice birthday at a well-known asian restaurant. Grandma, who could never stand not being the center of attention, looked around and said in a loud voice, “My God, the place is full of gooks!” My sister and I hustled her into the bathroom and told her in no uncertain terms that if she acted out even once more, we would put her in the car and leave her there until we were ready to leave. Rather than being angry at being called out on her behavior, she seemed smug and happy to have disrupted things, and happy to have been the focus of our attention. We’ve never been sure if she was really a racist or if she just enjoyed the attention such loud pronouncements garnered her.
Grandma was married to a lovely but very submissive man whom we all loved, but who could never stand up to her, no matter what she said or did. She used to make him take her on long Sunday drives to upscale neighborhoods so that she could “see all of the lovely homes that he could never give her.”
My dad, who left home and joined the military to get away from her, supported her financially her entire life. Although he did what he felt was his duty toward her, he could barely tolerate her company after a childhood filled with verbal abuse and neglect. Financially, though, my parents gave her everything she asked for and more. One year for Christmas she asked for a very expensive piece of furniture, a dresser that she had seen. When it arrived, she sent it back and said that what she really wanted was an armoire, and let us know how disappointed she was that nobody thought enough of her to get her what she really wanted. When her grandchildren were in their teens, she decided that we didn’t give her enough affection or attention, so she found and befriended another family with children, whom she sometimes referred to as her second family, and made sure to tell us constantly how much they loved her and how many gifts they had given her. Frankly, we were relieved to have the focus on someone else.
Holidays with her were murder, as she compared her time with our family to the time we spent with Mom’s family, to make sure she hadn’t been cheated somehow, then pushed the food on her plate around as if it wasn’t to her taste, saying, no, no, it was all fine, she was just feeling so (sad, disappointed, whatever). Nothing made her happier than being at the holiday dinner table, surrounded by her family, and finding that one thing that would upset or wound someone, or make a scene. It became a game for us, seeing who could withstand the pokes and prods the longest. She was a cruel, self-absorbed woman who never seemed to receive enough of anything–love, attention, admiration, money, gifts. When she passed away it was like a huge weight was lifted off of our family gatherings, and my father was finally free.
You’ve got it exactly right. Yep. Also : Whew.
At 15 and 13, my sister and I moved out of our NM’s house to live with our dad in a different state. He was the son of a NM and he allowed her to abuse us. We were sassy, but did not come home drunk, stoned or pregnant. We made good grades and had nice friends. My father was an alcoholic (after 10 years of being married to my NM I can see why). His fiance refused to marry him because he couldn’t get off the booze, he got 3 DUIs and couldn’t hold down a job. My NGM looked us straight in the eye and told us, “you are the reason that your father is suicidal.” Unbelievable. I knew even then that something was wrong with that woman and always found my father to be a pathetic victim.
One detail I feel compelled to point out: Your dad had his own pathological issues. He didnt need your mother to cause his alcoholism. But he obviously likes to get involved with people like that because it gives him the victim status he craves.
Just finished “Cool, Calm, and Contentious” and found it funny/sad/insightful all at once. A common “conversation” with my narcissist mother went as so:
“Mommy, when I grow up I want to be an actress.”
“Oh no, you don’t want that!”
“Mommy, I want Debbie to be my friend!”
“Oh, no, you don’t want that!”
and so on…. Then, after YEARS of this, she said the following to me:
“You never know what you want! You let other people tell you what to do!”
And there you have it. Welcome to my day-mare.
Yep. That sounds very familiar to me. After a lifetime of being told my inclinations about what I liked were wrong, I also used to have a ton of trouble making decisions. For a long time I thought it was because I was indecisive and easily swayed. Well, at least we figured it out!
Well, you’ve opened the floodgates now….
While your mom used criticism to garner attention and control, mine would simply nullify others. She would literally not hear anything which did not match her worldview.
Example 1: at age 23 I decided to tell Mom that I was no longer a practicing Catholic and that, in fact, I probably didn’t believe in God either. With nary a word, she hung up the phone. For the next three months, whenever I called and said hello, she would immediately hand the phone to my father. He would say “You need to apologize to Mummy.” (And a whole ‘nother book could be written about how disturbing it is to hear a middle-aged man refer to his wife as “Mummy”)
Example 2: My mother took eight weeks in the hospital to die. Nurses told me they’d never seen anything like her iron will to live. One night, around 10 pm, I got a call from her doctor. He said “I hope you can help us. We’ve spent all day trying to get your mother to understand that she is dying but she just won’t hear us!” I started laughing, then crying. I said “…and you expect ME to know what to do? Welcome to *my* life!”
I could just picture her blank stare whilst the doctor talked to her, her uncomprehending features, her totally unrelated conversational responses. How well I knew the routine. Wow. In a way, you gotta admire that ability to simply rewrite reality! If only it could have been used for good rather than harm! If she were a superhero, she might be called Blind-Eye Betty.
I could easily write a book on my mothers destructive “Godlike” Personality disorder, but that is for my therapist and I to work through 🙂 This page sparked my interest b/c I am currently dealing with someone’s/ex-friend’s narcissistic comments and the last one was very over the top. Assuming I was directing a FB Post towards her (1st narcissistic reaction) she retaliated by posting a narcissistic response before ever asking me if it was about her. Fed up with all the fake profiles I discovered infiltrating my page I posted, “Calling all Facebook Goers that live in a world of reality!” Just recently she has been entering into a Facebook world of role playing, with fake characters you take on as yourself and actually create a FB page for them (that’s a whole other discussion). So she assumed my post was about her. Here is her non-directed reply post:
Hmmmm…..I could be so nasty right now, but I refuse to bring myself down to your level. At this point I’m a grown woman and can make my own decisions. Sorry if you don’t agree with them, ffs, I don’t agree with half the shit you do, but do I make snippy remarks to try to hurt anyone? Nope I keep it to myself and love you anyway! Have a wonderful Hump day everyone. I’making the executive decision to surround myself with people that support me and my choices. If you have a problem with that, you are more than welcome to carry your ass straight thru the same door you walked in. Thanks for listening! Love y’all! ♥
Someday – I hope I can be so generous. As Golda Meir once said: “Don’t be humble, you’re not that great”.
Ugggghhhhh, I think you must know my supervisor at work. That reply simply smacks of her entitled, overly-reactionary, flippant, back-handed devaluation of anyone who, in reality or in complete fantasty, has wounded her. I’m so sorry that you know this person.
On my 30th birthday, in lieu of a gift, my NM sent a birthday card. Enclosed was a picture of herself and the “sentiment” on the card read “Here’s what I look like on your 30th birthday”.
If I was a morning radio show, I would be blowing a slide whistle and we would have a prize for you. That is so great!!
Thanks. It is one of my favs, too. My sister and I have been our own support group for years. We have found that seeing some humour in the NM’s behavior is a powerful coping mechanism. Here’s another one of our favorites: When I called my NM to announce I had gotten married (second marriage; quick civil ceremony), her response was, “Does this mean we can’t get together for coffee on Saturdays anymore?”. No congratulations, that’s wonderful, or I’m so happy for you. That was 19 years ago and we still laugh about it.
My celebrity boyfriend called me during a magazine interview to quickly ask what ‘those round things were… you know that people eat for breakfast…. with a hole in the middle?’ I quickly answered, ‘A Doughnut’. His response with complete disgust was, ‘I know what a DOUGHNUT is’. He believed at that instance that I was the idiot. Everyone knows what a doughnut is. Who would place a call to ask what that delicious treat was called? I could only respond in my most condescending tone, ‘ a bagel?’ He hung up without another word.
I have had very limited contact with my “Mother” for a fews years now. This enrages and fuels her more. She has loads of “supply” now that have distanced myself from my sisters and mainly her. It’s rock solid proof in her wicked eyes that I am selfish, self absorbed, and need professional help (which she has been saying since I was 13 and I’m 44 now!!!)
She called, out of the blue, and left me one of those messages, the ones that when she spews out the first syllable of her first word, I knew she was in attack mode. I don’t usually listen let alone call her back, but my husband suggested I should. Why wouldn’t he think that, isn’t that what normal people do? Yeah, they do, but this person is far from normal or sane. So, I did call her back. She asked me if I was “plonnnnnning” on going to my sisters 50th Birthday party. I was like, Is this whack serious?” Less than 2 weeks ago she said such horrific things to me, about me, against me, and she has no idea that her ways are so disgusting and damaging. I gathered enough mental strength to phrase my words, especially my notorious tone of voice, to say, ” No, I do not plan on attending” All of you know what happened next…the verbal abusive flood gates were open and she loved that she finally could release a portion of her venom on me… Here is a brief look at her comments:
N: “you my friend r messed up. Good luck to u you will need it good luck”
“Just a matter of time for u one thing u forget u always thought u were and are perfect, some of your facebook stories seem to bare that fact out” ( She has never been on facebook and does not even have the slightest knowledge on how to even turn a computer on)
” what a joke you r and your story telling and comments r so much people have called me u r a joke”
” Say whatever u want to me You r the one who will pay the piper in years to come good luck when u have to look into the reality mirror only in due time”
” ur as phony as they come be real ”
” omg younr going through the holier than thou phase phoney bologna I am done”
” goodbye good night have fun in the world u live your own I will check in a few years”
These were all comments made by her in less than 10 minutes. Believe me, she was not at her “best” either. After reading them I have to say on her cruel ness scale of 1-10, this was about a 5.
But the best part of it all, this was the final one before something finally penetrated and lit up my awareness of what she really is and I thank God for showing me the undeniable evil that is in her. Accepting this reality has a range of emotions, but relief is the main one I feel right now! Freedom from hell is quite life altering:)
I came to this site to post how much I’m loving your book, Cool, Calm and Contentious, then stumbled upon this “narcissist quote” page and I’ve got a good one! My brother, who has had money trouble since…probably the day he was born, said this to me. When he began talking, I thought – OMG! He’s finally going to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself for a change (He was around 45 when he said this). But, by the end of the sentence, I realized my excitement was premature. Ok, so he said:
“Karen and I have asked her mom for money much too often, we aren’t going to do that anymore. It’s time for MY family to step up to the plate and help us out!”
One more – after living with depression all my life, and thinking suicide was my only way out (no worries, this was a long time ago) I got up the courage to try to talk to my brother about it, to get some support or sympathy or who the heck knows why I’d ever think he would be of help – I told him that I had considered suicide and had gotten as far as figuring out a plan. His response was, “I can’t believe how selfish you are! Do you know how that makes ME feel?”
Ahhh, dysfunctional family! It’s the next best thing to meth for helping solve all your problems!
LOVE YOU Merrill. I had a narcissist/borderline Mom who painted me black and died last year and now I’m saddled with a narcissist stepfather who has taken all the family chattel and hordes it. Oh well. He has given some great quotes for the memoir. Among them, whilst talking to my brother a month after my mother’s death, “Losing a parent is much less hard than losing a wife.”
Luckily he’s already dating, so hopefully he won’t be “suffering” much longer.
Thank god for the funnybone.
That’s a great quote. Pretty perfect. And thanks!
I spent 20 years trying to appease an NPD, after having grown up with one (my father, and this only just occurred to me within the past year), and modeled my own marriage after the only model I’d known. Anything I did in my marriage, I did alone or with our daughters, and ALWAYS with my own money. Even my engagement ring was purchased on my own credit card, there was no honeymoon, and our first year anniversary trip, a quick weekend getaway, was entirely my planning and at my expense. Yes, something was wrong, but by then I had a child with this man. I kept trying.
Anything we did as a family, for the most part, was with MY money – his money was HIS. Mine was OURS. He was comfortable enough, with HIS money, to retire, about half-way through our marriage. Lucky him. By the time I finally decided to end my misery and set a different example for our daughters of how a marriage PARTNERSHIP should be, I (and I didn’t find this out until much later, during the divorce), had turned over $30,000 to this guy and he used it to buy his family farm – in his, his brother’s and his sister’s names. Had he predeceased me I would merely have been its tenant. He had also cheated me out of thousands of dollars of taxes owed, over the duration of our entire marriage, and apparently, several years before we divorced, according to friends, decided to turn his sexual attentions to my sister. (I have not verified that, and I don’t want to think about it. They deserve one another.)
My now-ex NPD husband, as our marriage was breaking up, when I asked him if he felt at ALL responsible for its demise, said, with that insufferable Holier-Than-Thou smirk that I’m sure you all recognize, “No.”
“So,” I responded, “you believe that in all these years you –your behavior– has been perfect?”
“Damn near.”
Too bad this thread doesn’t come with sound effects. That one would get a nice symphonic arrangement with a crashing symbol at the end!
My NM’s birthday is on Halloween! She “forced” me to throw her a 50th birthday party but since she had no friends, all of my friends came. After making out in the bathroom with my best friend’s fiance and getting caught she had zero remorse. I asked her “do you think that you have ever done anything wrong in your life?” She looked me straight in the face and said “no”.
MY Narc father (who abandoned me at age two and I took upon myself to establish relations at age 27 due to guilt over my mother’s parental alienation of him, i know, i know) also said as he was passing away and I asked him if he thought he was a good father, “Yes.” “OK,” I said. “I forgive you.”
But I think i was lying because I was seething that he had manipulated me into calling him because he refused to have surgery unless I did. What did he want to tell me? The sincere words of apology and humanity I longed to hear? NO
he wanted to know if I was a lesbian. Mind you I have been living with a man for 14 years at this point. Nothing against lesbians, but it was just annoying how little he saw me. Some might say this is projection. SO fun to get that from both your personality disordered parents.
Well, give him this much: He was completely consistent! Sorry. That sounds infuriating and awful.
When my sister and I were growing up, our parents were friends with a couple who had two daughters our age. As teenagers we would often try to make plans, and one of the sisters never wanted to do anything that the rest of us wanted to do. I remember very clearly one day when we were trying to explain to her that if we did something one way, then all of us would get some of what we wanted, rather than doing things her way, in which only she would get what she wanted. Her reply was, “But I don’t care about you. All I care about is me.” It was gob-smacking when we were kids, but pretty prophetic too, as we are now in our fifties and her whole life seems to have revolved around that one quote. What I remember most about that incident is the completely bewildered look on her face, as if she couldn’t understand why we didn’t just “get” that, and comply.
My NM measures all love through money and possessions. One summer I didn’t have any childcare for my 7 and 9 year old kids. My NM charged me $400 a week to watch them even though she got a huge inheritance (over $250,000) and was making $65K teaching school so she had the summer off. When I asked her to take the kids to the pool instead of sitting around and watching TV all day,she looked at me like I was crazy and told me that “no nanny would do all of the things that you are asking me to do.” I replied “anyone that I was paying $400 a week would do exactly what I asked them to do.” She didn’t speak to me for 4 days and whispered horrible things to my daughter and told her that “she was going to take back everything that she ever gave me and that if my daughter told me anything that she said, “there would be hell to pay”. The next summer she knew that I wouldn’t ask her to keep the kids again so she worked it out that her assistant at school would watch the kids. She arranged the whole thing and told me that I couldn’t back out. The woman yelled at my kids all summer. Now my husband and I are so broke b/c we are putting every cent we have into a special school for my daughter (parental sacrafice that I am so happy to make) As I was telling her that I don’t have enough money to buy socks and get a hair cut for the kids in the same pay period she sat there with a stone cold look on her face. Zero empathy. The next day, I called her to tell her that I was going to sell some “fine” porcelian that she gave me over several birthdays (expensive and I didn’t even ask for it) but that if she wanted it, I would give her first dibs on it. She said, “what if I loan you the money. Will you pay me back?” Wait. I just told you how broke we are and you didn’t offer to help, but when you hear I am going to sell these things, then you offer to help?” I basically “broke up” with her in a letter. She is a sick, sick woman, but she has 4 Chanel purses, drives a $80K Lexus, and all of her shoes cost $350 each, so she is happy. Who needs people when there is Chanel? And what school teacher has those things. Such an “entitlement” attitude. Once when she was complaining that her 4th husband only got “$500K in life insurance” and that wasn’t nearly enough, I said, “Mom, life insurance is to cover living expenses, not travel Europe.” Her rely? “But I want to travel Europe” ….
She sounds completely awful. I hope you are in therapy and if not, I hope you are reading a lot of books about this. There are tons and you will find them very enlightening and comforting. Sorry about her. She’s awful. You have to learn how to not engage with her.
I find a common thread that most victims of the abuse of an NPD, have difficulty expressing themselves breifly. I have that same struggle; I know why, because their experience of what they (the narcs ) do can be so constant subtle ; if you only use small simple examples it doesn’t even begin to describe the whole issue experience.
My now X husband
Tons I could go on about but I will choose the “Hallmarks I can think of” When he was in IRAQ (he is a lieutenant Colonel) Complained that I didn’t support him at all, never e-mailed him, never let him know what was going on @ home. And that I had no idea what the hell he was going through. In reality I e-mailed him several times a week, kept him posted on what was happening in our lives, sent him care packages, took care of everything @ home worked full time.
“Never” was one of his favorite words of choice to invalidate anything you ever did for him. One of the things I hated the most was how he could continually proceed to tell me to my face his misinterpretation of the facts that I had more knowledge about, since they were my feelings and actions he would be referring to. The slightest things he would interpret as being against him, and would set him off. No discussion or explanation would ever help, truth meant nothing to him unless he could use it against you. It took me 9 years or so to figure out these people, happened to hear a respiratory therapist talking about her N X-husband then it all made sense. Yep I feel so used, betrayed, stupid, wounded…. but I am healing and have times of strength that surprises me.. .but then days when I struggle to find the purpose of staying around. Thank God for true friends and family and the internet for the knowledge validation of this pervasive illness.
My brother’s partner’s mother died last week. My mother was friends with her. When my brother broke the news of the death to my mom, her response was, “I already bought her a Target gift card for her birthday. What am I supposed to do with it now?”
It’s all about me! If you would have done everything that I wanted we would not be divorced…
I just found this website today and am so grateful – I was an isolated only child raised by a NM and a completely weak father. I’d like to write more about that later, altho reading the blogs feels like reading my own story. Married a NPD too – seemed normal to me. He was lazy, a liar and a cheat. Finally able to divorce him after the kids left home. His final words to be – never to be forgotten – were “I don’t know what you’re so upset about – I’m only having a little flirtation!”
Thank you all for being there. Later.
Dear Ms. Markoe,
I have found your books so useful in understanding and dealing with my narcissist mother, and the rest of my family, who give her everything she wants in the fruitless hope of making her happy. Now that I have stopped focusing my life on her and her endless needs, she has only increased her abuse. She seems incapable of modulating her behavior, even with clearly stated rewards.
So I have often wondered– how were you able to bear staying in contact with your parents throughout their lives? I try to keep a cold, distant facade, but she’s always finding new ways to get to me– befriending previously disdained relatives and badmouthing me to them, threatening to show up at my doorstep without warning “to show me how much she loves me.”
Any advice would be helpful.
Well…its tricky. First of all, go to a search engine (or Amazon) and type in narcissism and buy a bunch of books. The more reading you do on this, the more clear it all becomes. The only thing you can do is not to engage. That’s an art form that is acquired by being clear about your own motives (and therapy really helps.) That said, you will end up engaging anyway. But if you see it all for what it is, you may not waste as much time punishing yourself or others. The narcissist in question is incapable of hearing you when you talk about the stuff that is going to cause a fight. They are locked in to a fixed way of seeing everything. You really don’t have any choice but to be the smarter more aloof person, or get pulled in to a fight you can’t win and will feel bad about. So…just kinda step along, one step at a time, doing the best you can. I had “the 36 hour rule” which was that I never spent more than 36 hours in a row with my parents because I learned repeatedly that hour 37 was always an unexpected fight. Try to learn to be one step ahead. Or else just see them a lot less. Those are your choices. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your help. I’ll reflect on what you said.
You mentioned that you have given your NM everything she’s wanted in the fruitless hope that something might make her happy. I learned to “reframe” incidents with my NM. Long ago I discovered that nothing was ever going to make her happy. So now, the only reason why I ever give her anything ( and that’s rarely) is to shut her up.
I literally, ok, not really literally, stumbled upon this site today. I read Merrill’s novel years ago and was disturbed by the portrayal of the mother. At first blush, it seemed gratuitously cruel. After reading about the new book (which I plan to read), I wanted to find the novel on a shelf and tell the mother to go fuck herself, a strange reaction that, yelling at pages in a book. I understood, though, my reaction was about me not anywhere near a sense of completion with my ex-husband’s narcissism. He stole the kids college funds, a medical account for my daughter and left us in ruins. His response to what happened to tens of thousands of dollars? Let’s not bring up ancient history, let’s move on. What? We’re talking about the kids going to college, not the Spartan invasion. Jesus.
He dropped dead over Thanksgiving, after being miffed I wasn’t planning on inviting him to dinner! Yeah, I’m inviting you and the guy who stole my purse a few years ago. Any idea how to get in touch with the man who shouted ‘suck my dick’ as he drove by last week? He’d be a great addition to the table.
He’s in an urn on a shelf in the dining room, lording it over the china, I’m sure.
Thank you! Now I know I am not as crazy as I think I am – I have a narcissistic mother! What a relief. She has a knack of bringing everything back around to her. It is exhausting trying to live up to her never met and ever demanding expectations. When I had been going through a very rough patch in my life, I had intentionally given myself time away from her. I didn’t have the energy to deal with my high Drama Mama! My brief, but polite phone calls and visits were not satisifactory. She threw a hissy fit! Finally, I broke down and told her that I was dealing with severe depression and was in an out treatment program and was having a hard time talking about it with friends and family. Her response was, “Well, how do think that makes ME feel that you can’t talk to ME about this? Don’t you think I have a right to know? Why would you punish ME like that?”
I am going to research narcissism, buy your book, and move 3000 miles away from her. I know moving away is not a solution, but I can’t help but wonder…
Well, as much as I want to sell books, its not my book that you need to read. My book is humorous essays on a variety of things (AND a few on narcissistic moms.) What you need to read are straight explanation books , of which there are many. “Why is it always about you?” is one I recommend a lot. But there are a ton of them, many of them good. Reading will set you free! Good luck. Judging by your anecdote, your Mom certainly sounds like one. The books will be very comforting.
I look forward to reading the book you recommend (what a perfect title!) Your book will definately be purchased in tandem. I sense the comic relief would be a good balance, as I delve into the issue of my NM. I read “What the Dogs Have Taught Me” and found it delightfully funny!
Thank you Merrill for bringing this issue to light and being a resource for others as they deal with this issue. For myself, I feel this is a long missing piece to a puzzle I have been trying to solve for years.
Let the healing begin!
So on Easter two weeks ago, my wife and I agreed to ride with my narcissist mom and my stepdad on the 90-minute drive to his family’s house for the annual get-together. Because my stepdad drank 5 or 6 glasses of wine while I drank Sprite, my wife and I told him we’d prefer if I drove home. He said he was fine, and good old mom agreed.
20 minutes into the drive home, as still-tipsy stepdad drunkenly pointed out every stupid landmark we passed on the way home, I blew up, yelling that I was pissed that we were all riding with a drunk driver. Neither he nor my mom responded in any way.
A few days later, in email convo with my mom, I mentioned that I was still upset about the drunk driving. Here’s her awesome response:
“It was very commendable of you and [your wife] to mention [my husband’s] drinking as a concern for who drove. He’s one of the best drivers I’ve seen, even when he’s drank a bit. He’s told me when he thinks he can’t. He didn’t make any mistakes in driving home, did he? But you were right in bringing it up, and next time, he said he’d let you drive to avoid the bad feelings.”
Ain’t my parents grand?!
I’ve followed this thread with great interest over the last couple months, but tonight I realised I had quite a good one to share. Can’t believe I never put together before that this friend was a narcissist!
This was several years ago, when I was preparing to move from Los Angeles to London for a new job. Narcissistic Best Friend rings me up a few days before I am due to move:
Her: So when can we get together before you go?
Me: Well, it’s all getting really crowded now, I’ve got so many things to do in the next three days before I leave. We’ve left it a bit late.
Her: What about Tuesday? (the last day before I leave)
Me: I can’t. I’m having a root canal that morning, I want to get all the American dental work I can before I go!
Her: What about that afternoon?
Me: Well, I’ll be all medicated and uncomfortable. I probably won’t be able to talk.
Her: (and here’s the money quote) That’s okay – you don’t need to talk!
The beautiful thing about moving to another country is that you can simply drop bad friends with a minimum of fuss. I recommend it highly.
(Just read The Psycho Ex Game, adored it, think you are The Business. Now off to read the new one.)
Leslie that is hysterical! Imagine she is the type of friend that sucks all the air out of the room! Have fun in England.
Now that my husband knows I’m done and will soon be leaving he says ” at least I have an excuse for acting this way, what’s yours”? He’s a drunk and obviously just admitted it. Well admitted that he’s aware of it.. Another favorite of mine is ” I may be drunk but God knows my heart”
Hi
I found you through a friend sharing a marvelous video – the sociopath-psychopath one. I was hysterical on the sociopathic big hair religious connection bit. The Wall street and potilitians portion was more depressing, but still so beautifully said. I loved it!
Now, reading here I am equally awed by your honesty regarding your joyous childhood.
As for adding my favourite quote… just one? Out of a lifetime of at first thinking you were wrong or crazy, then realising I was sane, but finding no way to get the family still hooked into the nasty patterns to realise they were never going to help these people because THEY are the ones with the problem. I have two, maybe three, relatives who are NPD, one leans towards sociopath. Isn’t it fun knowing your loved ones want to harm you, one way or another? :-\
A quote or two? I’m thinking… I had a story printed in Reader’s Digest. Relative #1 found out and phoned me, angry, Told me:”You’re so bloody lucky! I hope you’re going to remember to give me the money.”
And the silliest – being at a marathon handing out water with relative #2 standing watching. The news media helicopter flies over low and the guy filming waves to us all… everything smiles and the volunteers all wave… and relative #2 prods me angrily and says, “he’s not waving at YOU. He’s waving at ME.”
I did laugh that time, because relative #2 was only six years old, but it became less cute as we grew older and her anger at not being centre of the universe made her do things like push her boyfriend down the stairs. I was genuinely scared for her, and scared of her, more than once.
relative #1 also told me how she didn’t want her daughter anymore because… she scraped her teeth on the fork when she ate.
yucky yucky memories and even when you overcome them… they linger like dog poo on your shoe. You wash it a million times, spray with disinfectant but… you just can SMELL it forever somehow.
Ok, now I’m off to check your books out on Amazon and hint to the good decent people I keep in my life that these are what I want for my birthday! ;-D
I suffered through 10 years of marriage to a narcissist. Towards the end of our marriage, I went through a very difficult pregnancy that I eventually lost. During that time, I was on bed rest and aparently he wasn’t getting enough attention and sought it elsewhere. It’s been years since this happened and it wasn’t until recently that he would even admit to cheating (he’s perfect after all). He convinced himself that it was my fault for not meeting his needs. When confronted about it, to this day, all he can say is that he’s “done things he’s not proud of.” The divorce was all my fault. I was never in shape enough, smart enough, etc… He was so bad that when we had our son, he couldn’t understand why I spent so much time with the baby (breastfeeding). What kind of psycho puts his own needs ahead of his own infant? The best quote though was one night, after I fell asleep nursing my son (in the baby’s room), he came in and woke me up. He told me that I was supposed to sleep in our bed, in case he needed anything. Lol. So glad I got out!
While carrying something heavy up several flights of stairs (Narc behind me): “Is there anyway I can help you lose all that weight that you have put on, I know your father was dying, but I hate to see you regret ballooning.” I may have went from a size 2 to a size 4, please note. This is just one of MANY, MANY daily totally twisted comments that I put up with for years.
Me to narcissist, are you going to pay back the almost 20 thousand dollars you scammed my family out of to pay for your sons funeral?
Narcissist to me: What about you, you owe me a hundred dollars.
me: holy sh@#, did he really just say that?
My favorite was a business card he had made up that he would hand out to women at bars…
“Now that you have met Brad, no longer will your life be dull and ordinary” then listed his phone number.
The recipients would just look at me like, “Is he crazy?” I’d shrug and look innocent. There was no right answer to that question. But guess what — they’d call him!
Well, there were many stunners. Some too evil and cruel to delve into.
One remark that I heard fairly often was: “I have something I need to share with you!” (Stern, compelling look) “Now, *I’m* going to talk and *you’re* going to listen and I don’t want you to say ANYTHING!”
At other times, he was prone to advise me that we had a problem with “communication”, always inferring that I was somehow to blame.
If I ever brought up his conversational caveat, I was quickly advised that I was “looking for a fight” and that I should “shut up!”
My Dad is a Narc. Here are a some of his typical sayings:
Response when I state something logical that goes against something he believes or is trying to pitch: “You don’t know what you are talking about”.
Response when you try to tell him something he did to hurt you: “You have no right to judge me, take a good hard look at yourself”.
Response when the cute thing you are doing as a child isn’t enough to feed his ego: “Stop acting like an idiot”.
“I do not need to earn your respect, I am your father”.
Response if someone is having a hard time forgiving something horrible he did (he never showed any remorse, if there was an apology it was reluctantly given): “They need to get over themselves”.
Another response to an accusation: “You only seem to remember the bad things (even though anything good was done because he wanted something, was expecting something in return, or trying to regain someones favor after forcing them to do something they didn’t want to do)”.
… These are just a few things. I know my Psychoanalysis may seem harsh… But my Dad has caused so much pain. He is a con-artist without a conscience, and goes on hurting the people I love. But there is nothing I can do about their denial because I was in denial myself, the only way to see the truth is letting it get to the point where is has driven you to madness 🙁
My ex was really good at calling the cops on me. We had just came home from the hospital with our newborn son. He was really good at hiding his social life from me (I really didnt care at this point because my focus was on our new son I was excited) He would come to my home smelling like marijuana – not a care in the world that our precious new life is here. I kindly kicked him out there was no arguing maybe a yell but that was me telling him he had to go and now. He called the cops on me because I kicked him out. The cops arrived and asked me what happened I told them I did not want him around our son because he smelled like marijuana. The cops asked him what happened and he said and I quote “She kicked me out of the house” Cops replied “So why did you call us we cant stop her from doing so” His reply “I smoke but I’m not high” Cops “Ma’am do you want him here Me”Nope” Cops”Sir you have to leave”
My N ex-husband told our son that “gas is really expensive. It’s a long drive here to see you. If you don’t get your license soon, then you need to start paying for the gas for me to come see you. He lives 45 minutes away, with his married girlfriend, and spends about an hour with our son, twice a week.
When he moved out, I filed for divorce three days later. I got a scathing email, informing me that “this is NOT going to be done by YOUR timeframe.” I informed him that hey, I’d lived under his thumb for over 20 years, and yes it WAS going to be done on my time. His way of explaining why he cheated on me and subsequently destroyed our family was to say “I had to do this in order to be happy.” Except he’s pretty miserable, in financial straits, while we are much happier now that the hurricane is no longer in the house.
(Shudder)
If you really want to witness a truly frightening collection of crackpot narcissists who spend all day, every day, arguing with strangers on the internet, visit reason.com’s Hit & Run blog. WARNING: after viewing the commentary, you may have trouble sleeping, knowing that these creatures walk amongst us.
Me again. Mom just told the family we have “wrecked her night” tonight, but that “she’ll get by, as she always does.” Classic narcissist/martyr.
What was our crime? Does it even matter?
We basically put the kibosh on her trying to hijack the attention from her 4-year-old granddaughter who is having her first dance recital tonight. Details are superfluous at this point, but she’s basically on the rampage because no one is allowing her to carry out her nefarious plot of attention-grabbing. And we will all suffer for it later this evening when her behavior will be bad, bad, bad.
I’m tired.
So Many to choose from, so little time….
Merrill, I’ve just gotten turned onto your blog, so I’ve just purchased your book (cool, calm & contentious) and so far might I say Bravo!!!
Here’s my contribution to the things my Narcissist Mother said…..it’s just a top ten list, but I like neat and concise. The good news is She died about a year ago and I haven’t need anti depressants since.
1. “No you’re not!”
(This is in response to [pick one] I’m cold, I’m hot, I’m sick, I’m in Love, I’m scared….You get my point….) On the downside at age 56, I still have no intuitive skills about what I’m feeling. On the upside, menopause was fairly tolerable.
“We never really liked your hair like that”
This became a game for the whole family. How many minutes into visiting Mother would it take before I would hear, You know We never really like your hair like that.
“Oh you don’t want me there”
This was her invitation for the begging to begin. Yes PLEASE! we really do want you to come to the Mothers Day Dinner I’ve been planning for months and invited your sister and Mother to. Yes, PLEASE EVERYONE wants to see you!
“You’ll never find a man to love you”
I’d say getting pregnant at 17 showed her. Ah hem.
“How did YOU ever get a man like that?”
This was her response to actually LIKING my third husband – I told her I had some skills she didn’t know about.
6. “Donna”.
Yeah, that’s not my name, remember. The Daughter that died before I was born….yeah, that’s Donna.
7. “If you had a full length mirror that wouldn’t happen to you.”
From grade school to wedding day this was the response to How do I look?
8. “They don’t really like you, the just feel sorry for you”
Response to somebody complimenting my curly hair. For years I tried to figure out what was wrong with me…….Didn’t know it was her till I was past menopause myself.
“I don’t know anything about that”
Her way of changing the subject whenever I tried to tell her about career, interests or anything about myself.
“You know, Vince and Marie’s Daughter Karen is SO Good to me, she takes me to the Polynesian Restaurant.
Mom, we’re sitting in the Polynesian Restaurant. I’VE Driven across country to take you to the Polynesian Restaurant.
11. “Oh, that Karen’s such a good daughter.
Wow. She didn’t miss a trick. Congratulations on such a complete list.
well, here it goes. whats wrong with you …………why cant you be like other kids………..you make me ill ………….you make me sick…………if only you had a brain……i was only kidding…………look at him hes 16 and he looooks 12…………..get out of my house………..you son of a bitch ill kill you. ,,,, give it to her i dont care……………….ill break your legs…………you dirty dog………..o just grow up ,,,,,,,,,,,,,when will you grow up……………we dont need him…………….when will you learn…….your lazy just like your father ……………….how could you be so stupid……how could you be so dumb…look at him hes 21 and he looks 16…………f u scum bitch, mother my ass..
In 2005, I dated a guy I think that I knew from the beginning I had no future with. He was an experiment in dating after a painful divorce and I was an objective. He had our future planned out early. I was too preoccupied with his feelings and being the ‘bad guy’ that I relied on subtly and hints, unheeded. At one point I even told him that he was probably wasting his time with the effort he was putting in – I just wasn’t ready for something that serious. This kind of just bounced off, and he argued with me about it (paraphrased):”I’m spending all this time with you, and taking you out to dinner, and XYZ…and you’re telling me I’m wasting my time? That’s not what I want to hear’. This still kind of makes me laugh.
Less than 24 hours after the birth of his first child, my friend’s NPD father-in-law sprang up from the couch and said “Well, it would be nice if I had time to sit here and watch her grow, but there’s work to be done.”
Ok- here’s an example of my mom’s loveliness. My daughter was born 10 weeks prematurely, was hospitalized for most of her first three years, and had a feeding tube until she was eight. When I was shopping for clothes that would fit around the feeding tube and not interfere with her leg braces, my mom said “You think you have it hard? You grew like a weed. Look at all the money you save on shoes for her!”
My ex N husband, who left me and my kids for another girl, who drug us through the mud, lied openly about my supposed affairs, attacks his own kids on Facebook, came into my house while I was at work and stole my electronics probably for his girlfriend (I’ve since changed the locks), who smears me to everyone, who took every last cent out of our bank account when he left, did not pay a single bill after, hasn’t helped one dime with the kids, who still thinks I owe him something —- PLUS MORE…. (he also got fired from his long time job for stealing and now makes $10 an hours at some crappy job)
Had the nerve to rext me the other day to ask me if he could borrow money! I said “NOPE” sell my electronics you stole from me. Then immediately blocked him. His last way of communicating with me is gone. He’s mad as a hornet that i won’t loan him and his new wife money.
I found your book sadly after my mother passed away last year. It enlightened me. My current N is my husband. He has said the following things to me and my 8 year old daughter :
To my sweet girl as he was leaving for work one day and she ran downstairs to kiss her Daddy goodbye: “Dont have too much fun today at the pool since I am the one who has to slave away all day and night to pay for all the stuff you and your mother enjoy.”
He spent a lot of time yelling about how much we were “costing him to feed.” My daughter stopped eating, he yelled about her wasting food and money and being a greedy little girl so then she would stuff the food in her mouth onlly to use the restroom after to spit it out. He told her one time that she needed to obey him or God would be mad at her because it is in the Bible. She told him to show her since she didnt believe that. He, of course became very upset that it does NOT say that in the Bible. (it says HONOR) There are too many more really to list. When he was bored hurting me, he tried to hurt her. It was at that point that I finally called it quits.
Things he used to say to me: You never do anything right, I will do everything. (He refused to even pick up his underwear) He told me that whatever he says is The Absolute Truth and I better get on board. I recorded this diatribe with his permission. Along with about 15 other “conversations.”
If I made meatloaf (the same way I’d been making it and he loved it for 5 years) he’d come in the kitchen and tell me what I was doing wrong. (He has NEVER made meatloaf) He told me I was loading the dishwasher wrong, driving the wrong way, cleaning wrong, parenting wrong, and HE always KNEW the RIGHT way. Of course he was “only trying to help me be a better ___________ (fill in the blank with ANYTHING.) If I laughed at a tv show, it wasnt funny why was I laughing? When I had a job interview he said “make sure you do not smoke before you go in so that you do not ruin your chances. (we both were smokers) He treated me as though I could not make any decisions for myself. Now, after a month of being away, cut off financially, homeless, and in another state hidden from his abuse, my daughter and I have found a peace that I never thought possible. He always hated our joy. While he stripped us of every material comfort, we still have joy. He hates that. Even so he is texting me things about how it took him 3 hours to clean the fridge out, and how he was stuck driving himself on vacation 10 hours alone. SERIOUSLY? We are homeless thanks to him. He is truely sick.
I will get your newest book to read as soon as I get on my feet, and any others you suggest. I do believe that reading has saved my life. Over, and over again. Thank you for your honesty. I hope to one day come to hear you speak if you are still doing that.
You dont need to hear me speak. I am mainly a comedian and writer. What you need to do is get in to therapy and stay there for a few years, until you are launched as your real self. This is an awful story. Your husband is horrible. And it all sounds really awful and harmful for your daughter. Type the word Narcissism in to AMAZON, or any other book seller (or Google) and you will find dozens of books you should read. They all will be comforting. One book I liked a lot was called Why is It Always About YOU. But there are a TON of books. Start with some simple ones and then work your way up to the complicated ones. But please get in to therapy. You need to be talking to someone on a regular basis as you move through the divorce I hope you are planning to get. Best of Luck!