Narcissists Say the Darndest Things: Great Quotes by Narcissists
Posted in writing on November 25th, 2009 by Merrill MarkoeTags: assholes, egomania, narcissism, Narcissists, quotes
https://www.thephysicaltherapyadvisor.com/2024/09/18/4qc7cpmb4 This is a page on which I hope you, the person who knows an annoying narcissist, will contribute a little something. I am seeking a collection of great memorable quotes by the narcissist in your life. I want the quote that makes your head spin and your mouth hang open with its egomaniacal cluelessness; The quote that you fish out to tell your uncomprehending friends at dinner parties in order to better describe the problem you have had with this person.
follow To get the ball rolling I will give a few examples. The first is from my own mother whose comment, after reading the first professional piece of writing that I finished, was “Well, I don’t happen to care for it but I pray I’m wrong.” A close second goes to her follow up reply, after a request that she withhold any more criticism if she wanted me to show her anything else; “No more criticism? If I can’t criticize you, what am I supposed to talk about? The weather?”
source link Another good example comes from a mother of someone I know who commented, after being told that her daughter was molested, “Oh my God! Do you think I was?”
source site Okay: Your turn.
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watch heavy stuff here. I guess I could say my mom did a number on me. When I was young, I had, what I thought, was a lot of creative energy. I would make all my friends laugh and thought I might want to become a writer and/or enter the entertainment business. My mom put a major kibosh on that… Pretty much told me I was not that bright and/or creative and that I should find a career that will lead to $… Well, I’m now 42 and miserable in my career. I listened to her and found some success in high tech, but overall, at my age I’m a low-level Willy Loman… I hate it… I know if I pursued my passion / dreams, I could have gotten somewhere and would have been happy… I’m miserable today… with no real career path and a low-level sales job…. Thanks, mom. The only thing you needed to do was believe in me. I would have done the rest.
Buy Diazepam Wholesale MJ: No age like 42 for branching out. Screw Mom at this point. But since emotionally you are still feeling like a disenfranchised kid, why not do what you would if you were that kid again and figure out a way to make some stuff on your own and put it on line. Don’t quit your job to do it. Just ADD some new layers to your life. You ARE going to have to figure out what you mean by all this. So focus. Then either buy the appropriate software and read the tutorials and teach yourself something (like I am teaching myself animation, even as we speak) or sit down and write, and then look for a venue where audiences listen to people read stories about their lives and figure out how to participate. Don’t know what city you are in, but there are a TON of these kinds of things in most population centers. As there are also improv workshops, acting classes, etc etc. Start somewhere. One step at a time. DO IT. Start tomorrow. Take a step. Any step. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.
go site Thanks for the advice. I live in SF, where all the disenfranchised go. Yeah, I hear you on don’t quit the day job. ADD – I have it, in the most severe way… As for branching out, true… need to check out some improv. I did SF Comedy College a few years back, but the owner was a total douche… I didn’t go beyond the intro class. Anyhow, right now I’m just trying to dig myself out of being over-worked and under-paid while living in SF. That’s a $$ thing. Once I reach a balance, I will tap into the creative outlet… It might have to move out of SF to do it, but I’m cool w/ that.. So, yeah, thanks for the advice.
enter site I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 6 years! He had many strange quotes? I never thought of them of quotes as much as BS?
follow url Ask me questions, Ill tell you no lies. (little did I know!)
Screw guilt!\
Dont worry! This aint my first rodeo!\
I can do anything! Im your man!
Im a whole lot better than I used to be! (cant image him worse)
Valium To Buy Any way I hope this helps. Im sure I will remember more, The worst mistake Ive ever made!
go here MJ, I’m really sorry that happened to you. Don’t take any shi7 from anyone anymore. Milton Erickson (pure genius) might be able to help point you in the right direction: ‘My Voice Will Go With You”, all about baby steps. Check it out, lots of Ericksonian decendants out there now who may help if you’d like it. Seriously, take it back, man, take it effing back, you can do it. Peace. P.S. MM, great site, awesome humor.
go to site I used to drink beer, a lot, too much. Thank Goodness, I quit that, quite some time ago. One day my husband is yelling at me about drinking. I said, “I quit drinking!”. He said, “yeah, just now, finally”. I said, ” I haven’t had one beer in 10 months!” He said, “Yeah, but you didn’t quit for ME!!!” , “You probably quit for your kids, or YOURSELF, but not for ME!” Good Grief!
https://www.thoughtleaderlife.com/drdbegy Stacey: Your husbands crazy remark reminds me of another alcohol and narcissism related thing I heard….A narcissistic woman I know had a boyfriend who was an alcoholic. Her way of dealing with this was to insist that in the relationship he could only drink around her.(!)(?)
What can you say about crazy except “Well, that’s crazy.”
https://vbmotorworld.com/0xel3b08z3 Hi Merrill, Yes, they know the rules, but the rules do not apply to them. Yes, crazy! I was accused of “purposely not achieving orgasm during sex, in effort to make him feel inadequate”! That’s crazy, and so funny, right? lol! The things he conjures up are just ridiculous. I wonder, if he really believes this crap. For example: “I saw your pornographic images on the internet”! What the???? I assure you, unfortunately, he, and only he, has nude photographs of me, so perhaps he simply got ahead of himself…yuck and yikes! I am interested in the book you reccomend, “Why is it always about you”, I hope to purchase it soon. Thank You! 🙂
https://trevabrandonscharf.com/en1s1jvh The orgasm remark is now right up there in my collection of all time greats. Sounds like you are still with this guy. I’ll refrain from lecturing you about that since obviously you know at this point. But after you read the narcissism books, I will also recommend a book my shrink just recommended to me and I think its remarkable. Its called Compassion and Self Hate by Theodore Rubin. You can get it for a couple bucks on Amazon. Its page after page of revelations about behavior….probably more your behavior than your husband’s. Tho maybe him too.
Cheap Valium India I have a sister who has a history of serious depression and suicidal tendencies. One day, after not being able to get in contact with her for over a month, I phoned our mother to tell her that I was really concerned about my sister and I basically just wanted to get a little support. I was wondering if I was over-reacting. I told our mother that my sister had turned her cell phone off and was not taking calls from anyone. I asked her if she thought I should drive over to my sister’s house and check on her. I’m not a “drama” person, normally, and I was concerned that I would be intruding. Instead of listening and offering her thoughts about the situation, my mother started yelling at me over the phone. Apparently I had disrupted her day. She asked me why I was bothering her when she was sitting on her porch by herself just trying to be at peace. Now she would have to think about my sister and that would ruin her day. I apologized to her and we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, she called me back to yell at me some more, asking me again why I had ruined her day. When I did drive over to check on my sister she was indeed suicidal and later told me that if I had come a day later it might have been too late, as she had made a plan to go out into the desert and end her life the next day. It’s a wonder we aren’t more screwed up than we already are with a mother like this.
source site No offense but your sister sounds kind of maximum screwed up as it is. Buy all the books on Narcissism on Amazon and read them. See if you can make your sister read them too. There are a lot of good ones. “Why is it always about you” is one of my favorites but there are many. Start with easy ones and move on. Your mother, unfortunately, sounds like a lost cause. You will recognize her in every book. Then after you read a few of them, you will figure out that the thing to do is distance yourself emotionally from Mom and it will be a big big help to you and a step forward. Hopefully to your sister too. (I guess you must know your sister should talk to someone and get on an anti depressant. Tho it sounds like she has rejected that.)
enter site Hands down the most head-spinning narcissist comment I’ve ever had the displeasure to hear: Thanksgiving at the dinner table. The topic of conversation is what to do with the turkey carcass. Adult son says: “I put it out on the beach for the ravens.” Parent of son says: “What about ME??”
https://www.thephysicaltherapyadvisor.com/2024/09/18/3u2jihzq My son and I have been going through months and months of serious problems. My ex, his father was recently diagnosed with a rare form of dementia…due to this and other things, just as I was finally coming out of the whirlwind to help him and my daughter who is guardian…my son I found out was using an opiate to ease his pain. Amazingly, one thing after another. I had planned to go on a trip with my narcassist boyfriend, tickets purchased before. Needless to say I wanted to go! but knew I needed to stay home with my son and be his mom. When I was explaining to my bf that I didn’t think I should go he said, ” Good, I know it would be hard for you to enjoy yourself on the trip…and I don’t want you to ruin my time!”
see url After a year of waiting for my husband do get out of prison, a year before that spent alone raising our two children alone because of his drug problem, We try again, because I have hope. More hope than what I should have. I only recently discovered a website on Narcissim and was blown away by every trait being that of my husband.
This is what happened this morning:
After 2 weeks of being released from prison, we stop at the store to get him a drink before work. He buys a $4.00 – 5Hour Energy Shot. (With my money) Our conversation proceeds:
see Me- Honey, you know we cant afford to buy one of those everyday before work.
Him – Oh my god, I am so sick of this crap! Your not my mother!
Me- What are you talking about? Why are you upset?
(Ignores me)
Me- Whats the problem?
(Ignores me)
Me – Hellooo?
Him- Just shut the *$%& up, before I slap the **** out of you.
Me – Why are you talking to me like that?
Him – Your not going to tell me what I can and Can’t do!
Me- I wasnt trying to tell – —
https://www.drcarolineedwards.com/2024/09/18/urbcp7s9zzi He then jumps out of the car and walks to work, our two children in the backseat heard everything.
https://www.thoughtleaderlife.com/8mit0g57mpz I tried to talk to him about the fight, he insists that its my fault, (of course because when is a narcissist ever wrong?) and the fight will only end if I accept that.
https://ragadamed.com.br/2024/09/18/8dsagw6 Now I just have to figure out how Im going to get out of this marriage.
click here Wow. I am so sorry.But I have had very very similar versions of that conversation before with men in my past and it really rings all the bells. Its basically why I started seeing a shrink and reading about narcissism. And yep…you might have to leave this one behind. But before you do, you can try reading a lot of books on the subject and/ or seeing a therapist and learning how to detach. See if that helps at all…just so you know you did everything that you could. Because that is basically all you can do. Learn not to react, etc. Also guess I dont have to tell you that someone with a drug problem racing for a hit of the 5 hour energy shot before work is kind of like…nah, bet you thought of that already.
Buy Diazepam Amazon Exactly Merrill, I am learning how to detach although I feel I’m being coldhearted, he responds more to that than to anything else. He becomes talkative, tries to be caring etc. Although I know its all a show. His “Fake” image, its so emotionally draining. I have mentioned before the “rush” for the energy drinks not being good for his recovery but I am being “a controlling mother” again.
I will be getting out of this as soon as I can.
Buy Zepose Diazepam When my husband was laid off a few years ago, we thought we might have to move several states away to find employment again in his industry. We put off telling my mom until we had to fly out for an interview. She flipped out – “You can’t move your kids away from their grandmother! When will I get to see them?” Gee, thanks for the support during this trying time. (Par for the course, I’m afraid.)
https://trevabrandonscharf.com/qei85nm A) I cannot tell you how many hours my brothers and I spent poring over “Late Night with David Letterman, The Book.” I can probably recite the whole thing. It brought us absolute joy, over and over again. So I thank you for that.
source B) I’m a little disappointed with myself for not discovering our mutual fascination with narcissists until now. I’m 43 with 2 kids and have only been completely aware of (and capable of managing) my mother’s sickness for the last 10 years. Now I can smell it on strangers from a mile away. Needless to say, I love talking to other people who “get it” and I’m delighted to learn that YOU, one of my HEROES, are one of those people.
go site C) I have far, far too many examples to choose from but I’ll do my best to provide the juiciest nuggets for you and the other victims of narcissism who have found this page:
https://vbmotorworld.com/cmxxwfv9ajt –I met my now husband (the opposite of a narcissist, it should be said) when we were both only a year or so out of college. He was in the midst of law school and I was in the midst of art school. Any outsider could see that it was far too early, and completely unnecessary, for us to be considering marriage. But within a month, Mom was telling me I should be laying down an ultimatum: “A ring by 6 months or it’s OVER. I’m moving on.” When I tried to tell her that I felt fairly certain he was a mensch and that wouldn’t be necessary, she would counter with “He’s going to waste years of your life, leave you, and then it’ll be too late to have children!” I was 24. A couple of years later, when he got his first job at a law firm, she told my father that “He’s going to meet another woman at that firm, a lawyer, and he’s going to leave her.” She could not bear the thought of having to tell her friends that her daughter was unmarried and childless, even if that possibility could not have been real for another 20-odd years. Hey, thanks for the support! What ever happened to good, ol’ fashioned “no one’s good enough for my child”? To this day, I believe she thinks I somehow tricked him into staying with me; how could someone as good as him (a Jewish lawyer!) stick with me?
follow url –The real awakening came for me when I had my daughter. My mom was great with her when she was a baby, but as soon as she could get around (crawl, toddle) it meant she was independent and therefore “didn’t need” her grandmother. If I left them alone for even a minute, I would come back to find my Mom reading her paper and my daughter who-knows-where. “She didn’t want to look at the flowers, so I came back inside.” Now that my daughter is a preteen, forget it. My Mom simply cannot be with someone who doesn’t shine a loving light back on her every moment. They still have visits (after all, she has to be able to tell her friends what her fabulous granddaughter is doing), but most often she delivers her back earlier than agreed upon, with the same explanation: “She doesn’t have any interest in me.”
–After working as a graphic designer for 10 years I had my kids and took a couple of years to freelance and stay home with them. During that time I made some discoveries about myself and her lousy influence on me. I realized that comedy was my real place on this earth (DUH. In 10th grade I was watching Letterman until 1:30 a.m. every night, even when I had basketball practice the next morning at 6:30. But it didn’t occur to me for another 15 years that people actually had careers in comedy. I literally didn’t know, because the only real jobs were the “impressive” ones: law, medicine, or academia. It was a miracle I got graphic design by her.) So I got a few jobs in TV production and did well. I moved up and went on shoots in other cities. During one call home my Mom said “You know, a few years ago, when you weren’t working, and you said you wanted to go into TV? I said to myself ‘That’s like ME saying I’d like to be the QUEEN of ENGLAND!'” Yeah, that’s exactly what it’s like. AN IMPOSSIBILITY. Thanks for your support! It’s all a comparison. If she feels she’s being one-upped, she lashes out.
–For all of her terrible mothering, my mom is actually an accomplished executive. One day a few years ago her secretary called in–she had broken a bone and would be out for a number of days. You can predict how the reporting of this news went: “What’s supposed to happen to ME now?!” Zero concern for her faithful employee.
There’s so much more. But here’s the little trick I learned: narcissists are THE MOST PREDICTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Once you see it, and learn how to sidestep the landmines, they are surprisingly easy to deal with.
Thanks for the platform. Anyone?
You said:
“I learned: narcissists are THE MOST PREDICTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Once you see it, and learn how to sidestep the landmines, they are surprisingly easy to deal with.”
The easiest way to deal with a Narc is to go No Contact. That is the only way to deal with them in my opinion. They are predictable, like you said, but I still want nothing to do with their toxicity. My mother is an abusive Narc, my ex husband is even worse than she is. I tried to side step the landmines my whole life and it didn’t work for me. As soon as you see a landmine and try to side step it they move the mine or create another one. They are disordered. They enjoy the landmines and will continue to get pleasure in you stepping in another one.
Glad to hear you’re doing well. IMO NC is the only way to deal with these awful people.
My mother got ill and passed away when I was in college. I was the youngest child in our family and the only one still living at home, at least part of the year when I wasn’t away at school. My siblings were all much older and married with their own lives and families, and had long ago moved away. When we all gathered together for my mother’s funeral, an emotional time for all of us, to be sure, I was told that Mother’s passing was much harder on the older siblings than it was on me because they had “known her longer”. At 21 years old, that gave me pause…
Grief causes people to say strange things. 🙂
As a teen, and in my early 20s, whenever I brought a female home my mother would ask the young lady with false curiosity, “What is it you see in Alan?”
I have to know: What did the young ladies reply?
I recently quit a job for which I worked under a serious abusive narcissist. The woman is the director of a community music school. In theory – big fun. In reality – not so much. For a year I shared an office with her, then I quit to part-time faculty, and then quit altogether. I was attending rehearsals for high school students of mine who were preparing their senior recitals when she walked in, made a few shame-based statements about “performance standards”, turned on her heel saying “Now I have to change into what I’m going to wear for this afternoon’s recital. Oh…” she turns back towards the kids ready to perform “just wait until you see what I’m going to wear for YOUR recital!”
After 21 years of toxic narc behavior on the part of my husband, we ended up in counseling. I was in the middle of explaining why I loved my new career as a teacher (I had been in corporate marketing before “retiring” to raise our 2 sons 11 years ago) when he said “But you are working so hard and only getting paid for part time work. Besides you are earning a pittance as a teacher! Between the hours and the pay, this isn’t working for me!” To which I could only respond, “This isn’t about you- it’s about me!”
Sigh… we are now separated.
DAD: A few years back, Dad reconnected with a cousin he hadn’t been in touch with since childhood. Turns out they are completely different in every way imaginable, and now have very little contact. But in the first few months, there was a lot of effort made to get to know one another. The cousin invited my parents to a party at which they knew no one outside of the cousin. That didn’t stop Dad from introducing a circle of strangers to his long-held and incredibly detailed theories about the intellectual inferiority of African-Americans, and their genetic pre-disposition to criminal behavior. Only I doubt he used the term “African-American.” Anyhow, there happened to be an African-American gentleman present, and he overheard the whole thing. Apparently Dad got a pungent and well-deserved tongue-lashing that caused him to run away from the party with his tail between his legs.
The next day when Dad called the cousin, she expected to hear an apology. But no. He ripped her apart for being so inconsiderate as to not warn him there would be black people at her party.
MOM: I was visiting Mom’s mom at her home in an assisted living community. She was over 100 years old at this time. Grandma was very agitated and emotionally distressed because “Mom’s life is so tragic” and “Poor Mom — everything bad happens to her.” Then she pulled out a huge stack of letters from Mom (who lived a couple thousand miles away). The very first one was all about how “God hates me” and “I am cursed” and “Life is too hard to go on” — all because they had an expensive and unexpected plumbing repair. The rest of the letters were similar. Turns out these little misery bombs drop twice a week or so, and when they do, Uncle and Aunt (Grandma’s son and wife), who live nearby, have to spend a day or two soothing a distraught centinarian. Meanwhile, Mom declines getting involved in any way with caring for her mother. But, hey, she writes often!
One of the really amazing things in life is how people like this can give birth to someone like you, who can obviously see more clearly. And also: I guess Mom found that similar negative energy she was accustomed to from her Mom in your delightful Dad. And called it love. Because who doesn’t love their Mom?
Well, thanks. It’s taken until middle-age to grasp the situation (if indeed I do), and my own behavior has not always be so exemplary. I have to fight the tendency to be pass-ag like Mom, or hyper critical, like Dad. (Thankfully, the racism never took.)
Can I say how much I’ve enjoyed your work over the years, and how tickled I am to be sharing stories of the dysfunctional fam? Is it a ridiculously banal observation to say that most of the really funny people I know had really screwy childhoods? Yes, it is.
I had Schnauzer named Rudy when I was 11. He broke away from me to run after a poodle — directly into the path of a speeding car. He was smooshed right in front of me. I fell to the sidewalk, wailing like a Vietnamese mother. He died that night. My father came into the room where my mother comforted me and said, “You killed the only one in this family who ever understood me.”
Yep, Allison. No arguing with the thick layer of pathologies in this one. Stunning.
I’ve read the responses all down this page. So many of them have made me cringe, but at the same time, somehow, I feel less alone because I can relate to the stories shared so very well.
Still, this one is the one that made me register on this site and want to reach out. Maybe because it’s the first to come from a child. Okay, you’re an adult now, but that hurting child in you is the one who wrote it.
Your father is possibly right in that your dog understood him better than anyone else. If you read between the lines he’s telling you that only a dog could really understand him. He doesn’t work in the same way the rest of us do. That’s not your fault. It never was and it never will be. You probably know that but knowing doesn’t make it hurt less.
You still have the capacity to love. He lost it, pity him. But he can’t take it away from you.
Hi. I am new here. My dad is an insane narcissist and won’t let me see my dying Mom. I need support.
Help.
Dear Eileen,
This page isn’t really a support group so much as it is just a humor resource that reflects how insane life is when we interact with crazy people. My suggestion to you is to find yourself a good therapist RIGHT AWAY. That is the smartest and best support you can get for what sounds like a very stressful situation. And no matter what it costs you financially, it will turn out to be worth it because it will be valuable information you will need and can use in the rest of your life. Unless its a bad therapist. In which case drop them and get another one. But get one. Ask your friends for recommendations. You owe it to yourself.
At 61 years old I’m starting to understand narcissism. My mother and my husband (of 31 years) are both N’s and I see the parallels in their behavior now. I’ve survived by emotionally distancing both and with support from superb friends and 2 wonderful children.
A few of my favorite quotes……………
My mother when I told her (both times) that I was pregnant “What will I tell my friends?” ( I was unmarried both times, but both children were intentionally and joyfully conceived) I had shamed her!
No one mentioned education to me when I was growing up………the last thing she said to me when I left home at 17 was “No one will ever give you a job”. (I’m an artist, self-employed for 45 years.)
My husband of 31 years says to me:
Why don’t you do more to promote me?”
“No one will ever buy the shit you make”
“I can’t have sex with you in the daylight or with the lights on because you’re so fat (I weigh 125 lbs and 61 years old)
“I’m tired of waiting for you to make enough money so I can have the things I want in life”
After blowing three substantial inheritances he blamed me that it was all my fault that his business ventures didn’t pan out. (very long story)
About dinner………..”Big f…..ing deal, you just make the same g…….mn thing every night” (I’m a world class cook and baker and I do it every single day)
About house work…………”You don’t do a g…….mn thing around here” (The house is spotless)
I could go on and on…………..
A friend referred me to your site yesterday and I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments. It’s a very interesting subject…………..and really funny when you understand narcissism and can get past blaming yourself.
Thanks for listening!
Interesting also how, at least in light of the quotes you offer, the version of N. that you picked for a husband sounds so much more florid and grotesque than your mother! Congratulations on figuring it out though. Its all truly puzzling until suddenly when…. its not anymore!
i like how you have this far from negative attitude toward his bs. im getting to the point where i just dont give a sh— either about what he says. it is kind of fun though after understanding the way they work to play a little with them.
So the man ive been with for the last four most miserable years of my life likes to frequent bars. in fact, thats his most favorite hobby. if hes not there hes sleeping or at work. so anyway, i decided to call him out on the the reason he goes to bars. i said youre an attention seeker and you cant get enough attention from women. everytime you go to a bar theres a woman involved one way or another. he told me i was wrong in some unfriendly terms. so these women who he admits having spoken to are calling his cell phone. i said see this is exactly what i meant. you go some where and women are calling you. i confronted him on him giving his number out. he says i didn’t give my number out it must have been someone else in the bar giving it out because i dont do that. so i thought ok thats really high school like. some of the women he comes across are high schoolish so i let it go one time. it happened three more times. i said what youre some kind of celebrity that everyone will go to extremes to get your number besides ask you for it. he said yes i guess thats the way it is…i cant help what people do when they want to have contact with me. now let me ask you all…how many of you give out someone elses number when they havent told you its ok to do so? and how many of you ask someone else for someone elses number then actually call? if some person i didnt give my number to started calling me i would question it but not him. he sees it as he cant get away from his fans.
ok heres another one. still having to do with the women at the bars he goes to. I said you go to bars just to see how many women you can get interested in you by trying to pick them up. he said to be totally honest with you i dont have to pick up women. i dont even try. they come to me.
another…i siad you always have to try to be the life of the party and the center of attention. he said youre wrong i dont have to try.
are they all like this??? do they really think they have a cult following? are they all celebrities in their own mind?
he thinks everyone likes him but wont stray from the people that make him feel important. everyone i know that has met him really just doesnt like him or buy into his game. he puts my friends down like theres something wrong with them instead of him. hes been around the same people all his life. new people make him uncomfortable.
bedrtimes,
Why do you stay?
ALSO, you said “it is kind of fun though after understanding the way they work to play a little with them.”
No! It’s not fun!! Why would you purposely “play” with them? Some of us have been so severely abused by N’s that there is nothing fun about it. NOTHING! They have left huge damage behind after messing with so many lives. N’s are anything but funny. They’re destructive, they’re sinister, they’re evil and they are fully conscious of what they do. What’s so fun about that??
The ONLY way to deal with an N is to run from them. Get them out of your life and go completely no contact on them.
I was raised by an N mother and an enabling father who did so much damage to me and my sisters and set me up for an abusive marriage to an N. I was bulldozed by the three of them and thrown under the bus. It took me years to figure it out. I have two kids with an N and he has thrown his own kids under the bus. There is NOTHING fun about that. NOTHING!
My boyfriend who is a typical narcissist said to me ‘When i look around at the other men you know if I was you I would prefer me to all the others’ priceless! He has also said ‘All your friends think you are so lucky to have me’
Hilarious.
My mother and I were talking about one of her friends she’d just seen, recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. My MIL walks in and I tell her what we were talking about, and how that really puts our lives into perspective. Her reply” “Yes it does, even my sinus infection!” I almost fell out of my chair.
I’ve only recently realized my mother is a narcissist. She’s not as bad as your mother, because the self-loathing is pretty apparent. She hated my late father’s mother, who was (surprise!) a narcissist. My brother married our mother (not literally – his wife is a lot like Mom), and I was engaged to a narcissist. Rock on, dysfunctional family!
Anyway, I was trying to check up on my mother during the post-hurricane power outages here on the East Coast. We were chatting, when the cell phone cut out. I tried several times to call Mom back, but the line wouldn’t go through. In the meantime, she left me multiple messages berating me for getting mad at her and hanging up, and telling me that other people felt sorry for her because I was such an uncaring daughter.
Later, during an in-person visit, I pointed out that she’d torn into me for no legitimate reason. Mom’s response: “Well, you deserved it for things you’ve done in the past, like when you were in college and you told me you were moving in with your boyfriend.”
I’m 51 years old.
Honestly, I’ve achieved a reasonable degree of detachment, so it was funny. And I do hang up on her, when she goes off on me. But I tell her I’m hanging up before I do.
Your Mom sounds at LEAST as bad as my mom. My shrink used to tell me to say “Okay, Mom…I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better mood.” which of course was seriously inflammatory. But seems like you have it all figured out so that’s all that really matters. As you say, rock on, dysfunctional family. (I love that.)
My grandmother is a classic example of a narcissist with a penchant for guilt trips. When my sister and I were in college (we’re one year apart), our dad and grandmother coordinated to have her come out and visit. Unfortunately, they didn’t check with us, and her week-long visit was scheduled smack in the middle of finals. We visited her the very day she came into town, and she called us the very next day wanting us to visit again. We told her that we couldn’t because we had a final the next day, but that maybe we could see her in another day or two. She left a message on our answering machine, saying “Why don’t you LOVE me?” Seriously. I couldn’t make that shit up. Thankfully, after my sister and I recognized what she was doing, we became good supports for each other. Now when we see her doing something like that, one of us will say to the other: “Pack your bags, we’re going on a guilt trip!” That gets us laughing instead of getting sucked into her vortex.
I’ve always enjoyed your books, and I’m so pleased to have just discovered your site! My poor mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder with a generous heaping of narcissism on top. Sometimes she’s a wonderful, funny, kind, perceptive person, but then the damaged child takes over and she’s an adult-sized toddler throwing a temper tantrum–vicious, unprincipled, self-absorbed, and wildly out of touch with reality. She’s getting worse as she gets older, and I’ve decided that as much as I pity her, I have to detach and protect myself from her craziness.
The last straw was when I last visited her, several years ago. She’s always been bad at conversing with me and tends to argue with everything I say, even when I’m trying to share something personal. I point out that I’m trying to share, not start an argument, and she says “so I’m not allowed to have an opinion of my own?” I then ask why her opinion is always that I’m wrong about something, and she says that she’s just trying to help me become less close-minded! (Believe me, on the spectrum of closed- vs. open-mindedness, I’m tilted way towards the latter.) Added to her argumentative style of conversing is now a bad habit of interrupting and cutting me off to argue before I’ve finished even one sentence.
So, the last time I was visiting, after sitting through her long monologue about her health and the injustices of life, and endless stories about people I don’t know, I tried to express my opinion about something. She tried to cut me off, and I said, wait let me finish, and continued with what I was saying (I was making a single point, not giving a lecture). She got very annoyed (especially since my point was a good one and difficult to refute), and launched on a lecture about how I was trying to dominate the conversation and wasn’t letting her “get a word in edgewise,” and how I was just like my overly-pedantic step-father who was notoriously clueless in social situations. I just sat there with my jaw dropped, thinking “wow–she has really lost it!” It was especially bizarre since not only am I wildly unlike my stepfather, but I had sat in near complete silence for over an hour listening to her, and I was already amazed that she hadn’t noticed how one-sided our “conversation” had become. I finally got it on a visceral level that it was time to let go of all expectations and that she was a lost cause. It’s easier to be kind and patient with her now that I realize how hopelessly lost in the funhouse she is.
Wow. You are a NICE person. This woman really lucked out in the daughter sweepstakes. I am impressed. She’s sounds completely impossible to be around but it also sounds like you’ve got it all working in the best way possible. I dont think I was ever as completely kind about it all as you sound. I have a new book coming out Nov.2. In it I have a pretty long piece about my mom (because she is no longer on the planet.) I actually excerpt her diaries. You might enjoy it. Not sure if a person has to HAVE a mom like this to be fascinated by moms like this,but those of us that do certainly had our work cut out for us in a very specific way.
aww, thanks for the validation, Merrill! Now I’m all teared up! *sniff* I try hard to remember that however miserable she’s made me feel, she’s feeling worse. BPD is living hell. As was her own childhood. I’m very lucky to have escaped that prison, and humor like the sort you provide really helps keep it all in perspective.
I’m looking forward to your new book!
The dynamic in my family is that my dad and older brother kowtow to my mother and pretty much disappear in her presence. She is cruel to my father, going so far as to get angry at him because he wanted to go to work while he was getting chemo (mainly to keep his mind off of the fact that he was getting chemo). My brother is a completely dysfunctional adult; he lives across the street so as not to leave mom’s orbit.
About15 years ago, I was in a work-related softball league, and my brother wanted to come and play too (he did not work with me). I didn’t want him too, and simply didn’t return his calls asking for information, I was only 26, and still taking baby steps of disengaging and learning how to stand up for myself. He got around this by calling someone else on the team whom he had met once and getting the game schedule, then just showing up. One game he struck out, and he stood at bat, refusing to leave until he got extra pitches. (He was 33 at the time.) Since he was my brother, I had to go confront him, although I really wanted to dig a hole and hide instead. He started screaming at me, and when I turned to walk away he grabbed me and began to choke me. Four or five guys had to pull him off, and one of them took him over to the side to try to talk him down, by whatever means necessary.
Apparently, on his way home he called my parents in tears and told them his side of the story. I hadn’t planned on telling them anything, and was, in fact, in some shock. They called me on the phone, summoned me to their house on Father’s Day, and called me on the carpet for my poor behavior. My mother said “you don’t know how difficult it is to live with you”. My father pretty much just sat there which, although it took me many years and a therapist to figure out, is what he always did.
There are more stories; this one is just at the top of my list.
Thanks, Merrill. It’s good to know we’re not alone, and it’s nice to have people who help see the humour in it all.
Horrible as that story is, its got all the classic elements. You guys didn’t miss a trick. It sounds llike 360º of infuriating and impossible. The brother is just the icing on the cake. But the happy ending is that you found a therapist and can see straight now. If you aren’t already reading all the narcissist literature, buy some. Its very comforting. I always recommend “Why is it always about YOU” but there are LOTS of great ones listed on every book store search engine. Good luck with it all. Its doesn’t exactly get easier. But it gets clearer and clearer and clearer.
Thank you for the book recommendations; I would like to read up on soe of the literature. And just… thank you. Reading your story about shopping with your mom (definitely been in that mall) brought all of the pieces together in a way I really hand’t been able to see it before. All this time, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t even about me. Being me is not a fatal flaw. wow.
Its a great relief, isn’t it? Thank God for psychology books. I guess it goes without saying that this doesn’t mean you have no flaws. Among them may be that you have continued to surround yourself with narcissistic people as friends and lovers….just because its an ingrained habit. Don’t be surprised if you start to notice that, and have to correct it. Meanwhile, go on Amazon, type in narcissism and order something. Reading is the answer.
What you said here–“My mother said “you don’t know how difficult it is to live with you”.” — really rang a bell with me. I was (and still am on some level) convinced that I was the impossible one. Everyone in the family was sure of it. After I got past my adolescent reactive craziness and learned how to keep my cool, I was amazed to realize that it was in fact my mother who was the impossible one, constantly criticizing, moving goalposts, throwing hissy fits. I bet you went through something similar. The insane up-is-down black-is-white statements are almost more astonishing than the hurtfulness, aren’t they?
My, hopefully, so to be ex-husband is an over-the top narcissistic psychiatrist. Before we separated, he agreed to try counseling with me. In one of the sessions, he was explaining to the therapist what he needed in a wife. Tops on his list was a wife who understood “that he was a very important doctor who makes life and death decisions every day and when he came home at night he couldn’t be expected to take out the trash like some regular Joe!”
I could go on and on, of course! After he was ordered out of the house by a jury of our peers (at his insistence), someone suggested I read some books on narcisstic personality disorder. That was the probably the single most important thing I did to help me move on emotionally.
It must be mind boggling to imagine the person who drove you crazy giving other people advice on how to live. Too bad there’s no way to find out who a therapist is before you start paying them. On the other hand, it is sometimes possible for people who are clueless themselves to offer useful clues to others. Lets hope that’s the case here. Meanwhile, keep reading!
My ex-husband and I have the same birthday. When my husband turned 50 and I hit 39, we had a big party at the house. I busted my ass for the event: I bought and prepared all the food, made cake and homemade ice cream, all our friends were there, it was fun and happy and he had lots of attention. I bought him the expensive stage-wear shirt he said he wanted, and I worked hours on a pair of pants that he loved and that earned him lots of compliments from bandmates. Several months later, our marriage therapist asked me what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day. Before I could answer my husband spoke out, saying that “Holidays don’t matter to her, she’s told me herself, she doesn’t care, she didn’t even give me anything for my birthday last year.” I was so shocked I actually believed him – and felt guilty – for not getting anything for his birthday. When I finally came to my senses a couple weeks later and remembered the shindig and the gifts, I gently confronted him and he had absolutely nothing to say, no acknowledgement whatsoever.
A few weeks later, our birthday rolls around again – this time it’s my 40th. He was in Norway on our birthday proper, which I was fine with because we needed the income. He was gone for 2+ weeks, and this was his second trip to Norway with the same band – it was gigs, not tourism, and he had plenty of downtime. When he returned to U.S., our 4 y.o. son and I had prepared a little bday celebration with cupcakes for everyone and a gift for him. My husband sat at the table eating his cupcakes, enjoying his gifts, and not once did he wish me a happy birthday, he had no gift, nothing to say about my own milestone except that “I saw something that I thought you might like in the airport but we were running late and I didn’t have time to stop.” The next morning I woke up just sick inside at my realization that he was so self-absorbed. When he could see I wasn’t feeling very well, he asked me what was wrong, and I told him as tactfully as I could that I was bothered that he seemed so disinterested in me and our son, and that my 40th bday passed without any recognition from him. His reaction was self-righteous anger, because I had told him it was “okay” for him to go to Norway.
A few days later, he goes to France for more gigs – not much travel, a cakewalk music festival in one town, lots of downtime and R&R. He calls and asks how I’m doing – and I honestly tell him that I’m depressed. He wants to know why, and I say because I was struggling to make sense of how he could let my 40th slide without any sort of acknowledgment. “But I said I was sorry,” he protested. So, because I could (because he wasn’t actually there to bully me into being quiet) I told him I was angry and depressed and that I was questioning his character because I expected him to value me and I was getting all kinds of signals that he didn’t value me at all. He cried like a baby, said I was being cruel, and then I apologized. Christ almighty, I apologized to him for expressing myself. The next week he returned, and we went back to our marriage counselor. And what did we talk about? How I ruined his trip to France by being so cruel to him on the phone.
Yes, we’re divorced now. My only regret is that I stayed as long as I did, and allowed our son to see too much that was so unhealthy. But the crazy continues. My ex began dating our son’s teacher (yes, while our son was in her class) while we were in the process of divorcing, litigation, etc. He has told friends and family that I am crazy, irrational, volatile, he’s concerned about our son’s welfare, etc. And because he had so effectively isolated me, there was nobody to say anything contrary to that. He lied about dating the teacher in court, and the judge granted shared possession of our son. And now I take my son to school, and I see frozen faces in the hall where other parents get friendly smiles.
Well, that’s a nice nightmarish little ending. Your husband sounds incredibly childish, like he is stuck at about age 4. The best thing for now is probably to focus on being a good example for your son, helping him make sense of the world in a better way than you were able to before all this ballooned, and reading a lot. The clearer you are about all of this, the saner life will be for you and therefore your son. Best of luck putting this in the past somehow.
I love this website! It’s such a relief to hear similar stories, because dealing with N’s
can be so isolating. I have found myself drained and depleted and without energy to do the things that interest me (maybe that’s the N game plan). But listening to how others have coped, gives me hope, so thanks all for sharing.
Anyway, here’s a little story about my father:
After spending the better part of a day driving my elderly father around to doctors appointments
purchasing medication and other necessities, all in very heavy traffic, I realized how late it was
and that we needed to stop and eat. My father replied he wasn’t hungry and was eager to continue shopping.
Now my father is heavy but also quite frail and needs me help him in and out of
the car and into a wheelchair and also help him in and out of chairs, bathrooms, etc
My son, who is 12, was helping as well carrying packages, helping with the wheelchair, etc.
We were both hungry and exhausted. When I suggested again that we find a place to get a quick bite to eat, he got huffy and replied, “but, I’m not hungry!” When I reminded him that it was past 2 pm and we still hadn’t eaten lunch, he became petulant and started angrily pointing out every fast food joint in sight which was frustrating because I had made it clear that I wanted to find something healthy.
I soon found a place that was cheap, quick and healthy. And very tasty as well, but the whole while, he pouted and sulked. He still found it possible to put away an enormous amount of food! My son was amazed at his performance,he acted just like a toddler. And the lack of gratitude for all of our efforts was just stunning. He actually begrudged us needing to eat.!!!!
You are in a tough spot with your father. He sounds completely impossible and it also sounds like you’re trapped being his caretaker. I have to assume you can’t afford to pay someone to do some of this for you. But if you can, you should do it. Similarly, If you can afford to see a good therapist, I know you would find it really helpful and a relief. Every therapist is very familiar with this kind of personality and behavior and will offer you support and advice about how to deal with it. Thats how I learned about the whole thing: from books a therapist gave me to read. But more than that, its great to have someone who has more knowledge than you about these kind of interactions cheerleading on your behalf. If its at all possible, you should do it. If not, go on Amazon, type narcissism in to the search engine and order a bunch of books. They will all guide you in the same direction.The more you know, the more you see all the puzzle pieces coming together before your eyes. GOOD LUCK.
I have been married to a major Narcissist for past 21 years. He got way carried away one night and proceeded to scream at me in my face so closely that I felt his spit and hot breath with each word he uttered. He was screaming the most vile (think of the most vile remarks a husband can make to a wife) at me. I was scared to death.
After a month of this incident. I did not see any remorse on his face. I made the mistake of asking him how he could have ever verbally and emotionally abused me.
His response, “If I didn’t treat you like that, how I would ever be able to look at you again!”
Really, someone abuses you so THEY can look at you again.
The abuse…the complete and total devaluation process and discarding process of being involved with a full blown narcissist will knock you to your knees. It will shake you to your core like no other. You will question yourself and wonder if you are crazy. Hang in there…and KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! You have been taken advantage of by the ultimate predator! RUN FOR THE HILLS AND GET OUT OF HIS WAY
Good Luck to all fellow victims.
The only advice I have for you is while you are on your knees….PRAY PRAY PRAY!!
I have been in that situation. And it is scary. But it doesn’t sound like you are out of there yet. I hope you have plans to leave. Meanwhile, go online and buy books. Type the word narcissism in to a book store search engine. Reading about how this personality works is the key to saving yourself, not prayer. After you get off your knees, Read Read Read. That is my advice. Prayer wont get you half as far.
To teenaged me a few months after I put one of my two newborn twin daughters up for adoption (the other was stillborn): “You have no idea how hard this has been on me. You just can’t imagine.” She expected me to comfort her.
Wow. That sounds like a perfectly sane situation to me.
Oops – – that was a quote from my mom, in case anyone didn’t figure that out.
Years ago when I fled from my abusive husband to another state, I called my mom to ask her not to call for me so my husband would not know I had run away. (I did not go to them to keep them out of danger). My mom became hysterical on the phone, at which point my younger sister got on the phone and yelled at me for UPSETTING MY MOM. What could I have been thinking?
What do you expect when you leave me all alone?” This was the comment I got when I found a used condom in the trashcan of my ex-boyfriend’s bedroom. We had been together for over two years and had plans to one day marry. As couples do, we had an argument and did not spend the weekend together. After making up, I came back to stay the night and noticed the condom in the trash as I was changing the sheets on his bed. Later I learned the term “narcissitic supply” which I understand now I was part of.
I will never forget this comment my ex narcissit said: “either you believe I love you, or you can f..k off!” that is still one of my favourites.
Another one was… (and this was said a few times) when ever he got mean, and nasty, and belittling… I told him, being mean never helps anything! and he said “Yes it does, it gets you off my back”
He is in allot of debt… and to this day, he blames the bank… cause they gave him credit cards to use… REALLY!!??
This being my favourite story… which I think shows a narcissit through and through…
One day… like most days, we were arguing, and as always, I would drive to his house, to try and resolve things… in reality, nothing ever got resolved, I just always ended up backing down, or he will say “I am sorry ok… now can you get off my case” or he would say “what can I do to make this better so that I can carry on with mylife, and do what I need to do” nice… anyways…
So… I went to his place, and I was crying… and he continued to say “why do you do this to yourself, why do you like being upset? Is it cause you are bored and trying to get my attention. Stop being a child… if I wanted a baby, I would have addopted one from the dessert” and so it goes on and on and on… I said to him “You drive me crazy, you hurting me so much that you make me want to drive off a cliff!”
Eventually… mentally, physically and emotional drained… I left to go home… we “kind of” sorted things out (on his terms… ) leaving me feeling like I am crazy to even be hurting. On my way home, I was not paying attention to the road, and a car didn’t see me, and wanted to come into my lane… I had the choice of either letting the car drive into me, or I drive off onto the pavement… which I did. I was not going too fast, so there was no major damage… but just shaken up and in shock” when I got home… I sms’ed my “boyfriend” and said:
“Just thought I should let you know, I have been in a small car accident, the car is fine, and I am fine… just a little shaken up”
I did not get a reply… so i figured he must have fallen asleep.
The next day, I still had not heard from him… so I called him after I had been to the doctor due to whip lash. He picked up… and this is how the conversation went… be prepared to be shocked!
Me: “Morning… did you get my sms”
Him: “Yes” silence….
Me: “oh… I thought maybe you would have called”
Him: “why should I call? You said in the sms everything was ok… unless of course it is not ok, and you looking for problems again!”
Me: “no… I am not looking for problems… just thought you would have cared enough to phone to see if I was ok.”
Him: “Why should I? Besides, you brought this upon yourself… you even said last night that you wanted to be in a car accident. So don’t make your problems my problem. You so selfish, you havn’t even asked how I was doing!”
Me: “I am sorry… how are you doing?”
Him: “I am not well… my stomach is upset”
Me: “I am sorry to hear that. I need your help today… I have just come from the doctor, and I have whip lash, and my neck is really stiff. I am not sapose to drive today, but I need to get to the clinic this afternoon… do you think you can take me?”
Him: “I don’t have a choice do I!”
Me: “I am sorry I am an inconveniece to you
Him: “It’s fine”
I AM BROKEN!!!! I AM HURT!!!! How can ANYONE be that cruel!!!!! I don’t understand!!!
Later that day, half an hour before I was sapose to go to the clinic… he sms’ed me…. not a phone call… a sms saying
“sorry… I can’t take you to the clinic, I am not feeling well… make another plan.”
and when I tried to call… his phone was off….
THAT… I think…. is the perfect story of a narcissit!!!!
He broke up with me last week Tuesday… and I am still struggling… but remembering all the bad… helps… and trust me… there are PLENTY of stories like that! Your comments would be interesting…
“It was the truth when I said it.” Said by my X, truly an N.
After finding out that I left him for a woman because I couldn’t stand his tantrums and the silent treatment any more he said to me one day after a few hours of reflection, ‘ I’ve been wondering if it would have been better if you had died in a car accident or something because then no one else could have you.’
I hope you’re not with this person any more because that is right on the edge of scary and threatening. If you are still with this person, get in to therapy and get away from this person.
I’ve posted here before but I have a new story. Equally shocking as some of the others above. My dad went to prison for molestation of some of his daughters and his granddaughters. One of those victims was my daughter. Anyway, when my father faced the music for what he did and went to prison — we came to realize that not only did my mother know all of these years but she lined the victims up for my dad. My mother’s emotional abuse was far, far worse than my dad’s sexual abuse — and that is a very hard thing to say. She told us as little girls to go sleep with my dad! Anyway, even that isn’t the most shocking thing my N mother has pulled. Most of us went NC on my mom because in her narcissism she refuses to accept any responsibility for what she’s done. Anyway, recently a couple of her daughters and granddaughters went to see her, seeking closure and trying to sit down and rationally talk to my mother about all that they have suffered. My mother’s response (to her very young granddaughters!!) was “because of you guys I am suffering, grandpa is in there (prison) having fun, playing cards, making friends, gambling and I’m stuck here. I’m suffering way more than he is! There are number of things wrong with what she said — first, she is serious when she thinks living a life of freedom is harder than being imprisoned with big, ugly, mean prison men (my dad is 73) and she successfully made the granddaughters feel bad and regret telling anyone what their grandfather had done to them! It’s STILL all about my mother!
Your mother is a real piece of work,KC. She is mentally unbalanced and frightening. I think you should get any further “closure” you seek from a therapist or from reading and stay completely away from her. And definitely keep the kids away from her. She is nightmarish.
I agree Merrill. I wasn’t one of those that went to seek closure. One of my sisters and I told the others to see her would do no good and they will not get closure or an apology. They went anyway. Now they see for themselves what a monster she is.
Before a terrible split up that my ex-wife instigated, I was telling her the reason’s i didn’t want to separate and divorce — I couldn’t bear not seeing the kids off to bed at night and when they woke up in the morning. It would be horrible to not see all the random things that they did as they grew; It would be terrible for us all to be separated and not grow as a family. Her response which she yelled incredulously— “So it’s ONLY about the kids?!!!”
“Nobody actually wants kids”
“If it’s not something I’m interested in, you should just stop talking about it………otherwise it’s a waste of my time”
“I should be the priority when it comes to sex. You don’t count”
“I’m smarter than almost everyone I know……….someday I should become an emperor”
“Mom….you’re retired….and old……you have no use in society anymore……you’re just a drain”
“Mom, you’re spending my inheritence”
” I am a genius”
“Of course I’m smarter than you. I’m not being mean or anything……I’m just stating a fact. You can’t help it”
“Would you cry if your grandma died?”
“So what? (telling him my grandmother had cancer). She’s old……she’s going to die anyway.”
All these among countless others………many which are worse I’m sure. And not a quote, but one of his main traits that he was astoundingly good at was being able to turn anything and everything around to make it my fault. It didn’t matter if I was in a sobbing heap on the floor, he could turn the lords prayer around to make it about him.
I loved reading this list of people’s experiences with narcissists – so eye-opening to how many people deal with this. I shook my head in recognition at so much of it!
I have a narcissistic father – my nickname for him to friends is ‘the cruel narcissist’. A little background: He is a short, unattractive man who has to win and be the best at everything he does and no one can be better than him, including his children. He criticizes people relentlessly and was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to his family (the sexually part was of me and he went to jail for it). Once he told my mom he wished they hadn’t had any children (there are four of us).
I used to think it was my fault that he wasn’t kind or loving. That if I were more successful, more beautiful, skinnier, etc. then he would love me. The memory I have that clicked it all into place that it was him that was crazy and he was actually irrational was when I graduated from undergraduate school and got a job in Japan teaching English. Since I had significant student loans and no help from my (very rich but selfish) father, I thought he would be happy I had a good job lined up. After I told him I got a job, there was silence on the phone and then he said something like “Do you remember when we went to Fairmont Hot Springs when you were 13 or 14? I remember seeing you on the diving board ready to jump and thought to myself ‘Why do I have such a fat kid? I’m so fit and do everything right to take care of myself. What did I do to end up with a fat kid?!” I remembered that scene actually – I remembered him comparing me to a very thin, beautiful girl in a bikini and feeling pretty small about that but wasn’t aware of his inner monologue about his fat kid until years later. For the record, I wasn’t fat -I was about 5″3 and 115 pounds which was a bit more than most girls my age but I had gotten my curves early and just wasn’t very lean and athletic looking.
He never said congrats on the job, or anything about it. He just took that opportunity to make me feel as small as he could by bringing up an old memory of when I was ‘fat’. God forbid someone have a success in life and you congratulate them on it…
To this day, he still asks what my weight is every time we talk – I think it’s just his way of making himself feel big because he’s never had a weight problem. I usually reply that I’m so fat I can’t get up out of my chair (I haven’t seen him in person for years – lives on the other side of the country so he has no idea what I look like and I’m actually a very healthy weight now). Drives him crazy that I don’t say my real weight. A woman’s weight is so important to him (like the number is their worthiness)- my mother was overweight and he never let her forget it. His new wife has a nose job and breast implants though only weighs like 105 pounds. I’m sure he was behind the plastic surgery.
Another quick story: When I graduated from undergrad, he came to the ceremony and compared me with a woman who had won an award for a master’s degree. I told him that she was from a different program and that I got straight As but that award wasn’t for my program. Then he said ‘Well, maybe if you didn’t have to work to pay for school, you could have done better!’ So aggravating when he was supposed to help out with tuition (as per the divorce agreement) and never did!!!!
I will repost soon – I just got out of dating a narcissist who was so much like my father which is why I was reading about narcissists online… but that’s another story.
Love your website!
First of all, the last thing you said about dating a narcissist like your father is not ANOTHER story….its the same story. That’s the whole point in learning about this stuff. You have to move through assorted stages of repetition compulsion in order to finally start a NEW story. (That is my motto:Make NEW mistakes.) I’m not sure why you even want to be in touch with your horrible father, considering what you suffered because of him. He really sounds awful. Remember, you can expect more of what you have already had from him in the future. There’s NO change coming, NO insight, NO useful information. No love. No nothing. Just more of what you already had. He sounds like someone you’d do well to leave behind, especially since his stupid advice for living, his criminal abuse and the ridiculous opinions he left in your head is what you are going to have to fight and argue with for the rest of your life as it is.If you can afford it, you will get a lot out of talking to a good therapist. Because what you need to do now is throw out the old software program your parents installed in your brain and download a better one. You can do it. Its slow but it works.
My grandmother was a narcissistic fiend (truly the worst human being I’ve ever known personally), and her crimes were legion before she finally shuffled off the mortal coil. This is a comparatively benign story from the archive:
When my parents met, my mother was living with my grandmother but she deliberately didn’t bring my father home until they had actually decided to get married. She was terrified that he’d meet her mother and immediately decide he didn’t want anything more to do with her. Anyway, the first time my mother brought my father home, they walked in and my mother tried to make an introduction, and a “We’ve got something to tell you!” announcement, but my mother shushed her because she was watching TV and they then had to stand there awkwardly until the show finished. Once the program finally ended and my mother said “Mother, I’d like you to meet Howard, we’ve decided to get married” and they outlined their plans etc, my grandmother sat in stony silence until finally saying, in dramatic warbling tones “But what will I do with the dogs!” (ie. when she had to travel to the city for the day for the wedding, about an hour away).
“What will I do with the dogs?” to this day is usually the response to any big news in our family (none of us owns a dog)
Merrill, while I was reading some of the stories, I absentmindedly moved the cursor over your photo and it lunged at me! You scared me!
I’m at work right now and I don’t have time to fill you in on my narcissist mother, Off-Track Betty.
When I do come back, I’ll tell you the story of Off-Track Betty and Thumper, the one-legged boyfriend.
Bye!
I had a girlfriend who tore her Achilles tendon. I took care of her up to and through her surgery, then spent 6 weeks bringing her dinners and generally waiting on her after the operation. I was very happy to do it.
I married her, despite her wipe-out of a personal history. 14 months later, she backed out of the marriage. Why? A big part of her explanation was that, after we were married, I didn’t treated her as I had when I was waiting on her hand and foot in bed after the Achilles surgery!
If the marriage had been long lived, I’ll bet she would have learned how to get additional room service treatment from you by becoming a hypochondriac so…even though sounds like it was an unpleasant thing to go through, its probably a win/win for you.
When my mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, my sister tried to talk to the guy she was dating about how she felt and he said, “Can’t you talk to your sister about that stuff?”
You’ll be happy to know that she promptly broke up with him and got serious with the (completely non-narcissistic) guy she ended up marrying.
Re: Your sister. YAY.
Have been a big fan of your work over the years, and didn’t even know it at the time. Love so many of the things you came up with for television. Now I want to read your books!
“But enough about you. What about me?”
After picking my mother up at the airport and driving around for 45 minutes because she told me she was on the curb but actually was inside…. I got her in the car. We had not even left the airport parking lot when she said to me: “I don’t know why you write that blog. Nobody cares about YOUR life.”
That blog that nobody cares about will soon be published as a book entitled:
IT’S SO HARD TO TYPE WITH A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH.
Hey, Sheldon. Congratulations on the book! Occasionally there’s a payoff to coping with these people .
My mother developed arthritis in her spine and went through periods of considerable pain. My parents bought a trailer-tent to holiday in. I said to my father, “Do take care when putting this up, mom’s back is causing her a lot of pain, she won’t be able to do too much,” to which his reply was, “That will be inconvenient for me.”
She later had a serious illness. He wasted no time in telling me what an awful experience it had been…..for him.
So, two stories about my mom:
While in college I discovered the benefits of counseling (I didn’t know then about all the issues, but definitely felt much better having someone who listened). When I told Mom about it she said: “Is it because of something I’ve done?”
Many years later she was relocating from a tiny town in one state to a much larger town in another. She had 2 cats, one that was hers and the other she said was A’s (her late husband’s). She was taking her cat with her, but had decided to put the other cat down because “She’d never have a home as good as I could give her.” Fortunately, a friend of hers knew someone who could take the cat. Thank you Mrs. B for saving a life.
My mom passed away coming up on 3 years ago. As I’ve thought about her and remembered the stories of her life growing up I’ve come to understand a bit about where the narcissism may have come from. She was sexually abused by her grandfather (who I recently learned did the same to all the girl cousins in that generation) and emotionally abused by her step mother who was jealous of my mom’s relationship to her father. I can understand why she had to be so self centered. No one else let her know she was important to them, so she had to become self-important.
This understanding doesn’t take away the pain I experienced as a result of her behavior, but it does help me be more forgiving of her. Just like me, all she wanted was to be loved.
This sounds like a joke. If only it had been.
I fell in love with a friend, many years ago, and did my best to hide it. I did ask her out, unsuccessfully. Some of my feeling must have leaked through to my daily behavior, though. Months later, we were making a three-hour drive to take her to her second year art school and find her an apartment, and I blurted out, “I’m in love with you.” A quiet few seconds passed.
“I know,” she said.
Those were the last words exchanged about the matter. I never asked if she was quoting Harrison Ford or Carrie Fisher, or if it just came out that way.