Narcissists Say the Darndest Things: Great Quotes by Narcissists
Posted in writing on November 25th, 2009 by Merrill MarkoeTags: assholes, egomania, narcissism, Narcissists, quotes
click here This is a page on which I hope you, the person who knows an annoying narcissist, will contribute a little something. I am seeking a collection of great memorable quotes by the narcissist in your life. I want the quote that makes your head spin and your mouth hang open with its egomaniacal cluelessness; The quote that you fish out to tell your uncomprehending friends at dinner parties in order to better describe the problem you have had with this person.
https://marcosgerente.com.br/hhfu5yvpj To get the ball rolling I will give a few examples. The first is from my own mother whose comment, after reading the first professional piece of writing that I finished, was “Well, I don’t happen to care for it but I pray I’m wrong.” A close second goes to her follow up reply, after a request that she withhold any more criticism if she wanted me to show her anything else; “No more criticism? If I can’t criticize you, what am I supposed to talk about? The weather?”
https://www.thephysicaltherapyadvisor.com/2024/09/18/v5ozrj71l8p Another good example comes from a mother of someone I know who commented, after being told that her daughter was molested, “Oh my God! Do you think I was?”
Order Valium Online Legal Okay: Your turn.
here This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 10:44 and is filed under writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
go Looking back on some things that happened when my ex and I were still together.
https://www.parolacce.org/2024/09/18/hli2maan – I was about 6 months pregnant at the time. I was working full time (about 43 hours per week) plus a 2 hour commute to and from work each and every day. So by Friday night I was exhausted. He worked full time too. His job a 10 minute drive from home. I did all the house work most of the cooking, and the the nights when I was too tired to cook after a long 2 hour commute home from work and an aching back …. he’d simply say ” no problem” and a few minutes later I would hear the front door close, and his car pulling off. About 30 minutes later he’d be back with takeout from a restaurant. I’d join him at the table (this happened about 3 times) he would pull out a takeout box from the bag, open it and begin to eat. After noticing the bag had no other dinner and he only bought for himself I asked … “where’s mine”? He looked soo stunned and surprised and said “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted something too, you should have said something.” He proceeded to eat his dinner. The second time this happened I grabbed his dinner and took half of it. The third time this happened I grabbed his dinner and tossed it in the trash. He proceeded to call me crazy!
go – I decided to hire a lady to come and clean the house once per week since I wasn’t getting any help from him. He made it clear that we didn’t need a maid and that if I wanted to hire one it would come out of MY pay not HIS. I hired her and she did a great job. He complained all the time about how it was a waste of money and if I managed my time better I wouldn’t need any help. Fast forward to a few years after the divorce. He’s still alone in the house (he threatened to kill me if I got HIS house after I had left him). Our daughter and I are living with my parents, I’m talking to my ex on the phone about visitation and what time he’ll be over to pick up our daughter. I hear a woman’s voice in the back ground.
Me: “who’s that?”
Ex: “Linda.”
Me: “who’s Linda?”
Ex: “hold on Deb.” (to Linda) “You can put those over there.” (to me) ” I’m back.”
Me: “Who’s Linda”?
Ex: “The cleaning lady.”
Me: “The cleaning lady ? I can’t believe you hired a cleaning lady after you gave me such a hard time when I hired one. Why can’t you do the cleaning by yourself like you told me remember? Why is it okay for you to hire a cleaning lady and not okay for me to hire one?”
Ex: “Cleaning the house was YOUR job Deb. It’s not MY fault that you couldn’t do your job.”
Me: I was so angry I hung up on him.
https://trevabrandonscharf.com/b5iny9eq I can’t believe you broke up with a wonderful partner like this. I’m guessing he must have pointed out that apparently you don’t know a good thing when you see it!!
source url During a recent hospital stay, I told my N-husband of my (poor) progress: that I was still in a ton of pain… so the doctor came in, looked at my 12″ long incision and saw that I had developed tunneling wounds, fulled with pus… the stitches were actually coming apart from the pressure of the infection!! That they were giving me massive antibiotics, and think that they caught it just in the nick of time…
enter Without acknowledging anything I said to him, my N-husband went into his problems dealing with everything at home: taking care of the kids, making lunches, going to after school events, his job… when I pointed out that the doctor said I’d need to stay a few days longer than they thought because of the infection, he said “Well isn’t that just great… with everything I have to deal with, now you have to stay in here longer… great “.
https://ragadamed.com.br/2024/09/18/ezvlr34fb I had a baby with an N, a big N. We did not live together. I brought the baby home from hospital 4 days after giving birth and he came to visit baby at my home and stay the night. Well, the midwives were there when he arrived, so he went out got himself dinner, none for me and without asking if I’d like anything. Complained once the midwives left that he wouldn’t have come over had he known I’d be so busy with the baby. Baby was having trouble nursing and had been in the special nursery so I was of course, exhausted. I fell asleep in the recliner with the baby. He went to bed and after I’d had a long night with baby, yelled at me that I hadn’t provided him with a blanket and pillow and he was just wasting his time sitting around with us when he had better things to do. Well, fool that I am the baby is now 9 months old and I have continued to see him on and off. I believe I have made a break for the last time a couple weeks ago, but I’ve said that a hundred times before.
https://everitte.org/dg1pff7p Another fine example, I cut my hand with a knife and had five stitches in my finger a few weeks ago. I called him to ask if he could come by after work to help out. His response, help with WHAT? um, the baby, it’s difficult to bathe him when i can’t get my hand wet and I just got it stitched up yesterday. Him, Sorry I’ve got other plans, you’ll have to work through the pain. I thought you were maternal. Me, WTF?!?
https://www.modulocapital.com.br/n9dgls6jw9 He is off on a motorcycle trip now and before he left baby was sick with a chest cold, bad cough. I let him know he wasn’t well. He called the night before leaving and asked if it was “dire” because he didn’t want to look like an asshole by going a vacation when the baby was sick. Not because he was worried about baby, because he was worried about how he would look! He hasn’t called once to see how he is and it’s been almost two weeks. Blech! I hope I’ve broken the cycle this time.
https://semnul.com/creative-mathematics/?p=ewhb8urg3g2 Laurie: This is a really awful story. I don’t know what you think you like about this guy, but you really need to talk to a therapist to make sure you understand that there is nothing likable about him. There is a bigger reason to throw him out of your life, though. Your kid. It is just not fair of you to inflict a person like this on an innocent sweet well intended baby. Nothing good can come of it. Nothing. Get away from this guy. Seriously. Invest in a therapist. Get away from this guy and protect your kid.
Buy Diazepam Glasgow I read this and all I could think was, “The sex must be incredible!”. Sorry.
see I understand this. The father of my twins did things like this too, He filed for divorce when they were 4 months old, which was final when they were about 18 months old. He got everything he wanted in the divorce by out lawyering me. Now, he financially abuses me, publicly humiliates me every chance he gets and abuses the girls verbally and emotionally.
follow link And the community we live in thinks he’s just wonderful. In fact, he’s part of the lay ministry in his church. A “real” Christian.
https://luisfernandocastro.com/6m8h5awcpy Of course, his substance abuse has caught up with him and he’s been in trouble with the law now. So “karma” does eventually get to them. And we’re duking it out in the courts once again. So if you get the chance to make the narcissist’s life a living hell, go on and do it. Their own medicine is very good for them. Besides, they don’t respond to therapy because they don’t think they need it.
follow link The upside is this: you do learn to recognize patterns of behavior in others thanks to the N-people. Nietsche is right: what does not kill you does make you stronger. But it will kick the crap out of you first.
see url Hang in there and know that YOU have self-worth far beyond a selfish pusbag like him, And be the example for your child: carefully choose your next partner and never, ever put up with N behavior in lovers or friends.
follow site My therapist says there is NOT a victim with out an abuser. I took this advise when involved with a narcissit. I stopped being the victim and got rid of my abuser. That was one of the best of my life decisions of my life. When we stop playing the role of the victim he will stop the abuse. Oh dont get me wrong he will keep trying….but he can try all he wants as long as YOU or I have control again, his attempts will be futile.
https://boxfanexpo.com/3qhdnjt Don’t you mean ‘not an abuser without a victim’? The good news is that you talked to a therapist.
see I asked my Father to attend my college Graduation. He didn’t help with any of my upbringing past age fourteen so I worked my way through school and graduated with honors. Graduation Day came and went, no Dad. Then, months later I was summoned to his home. He’d NEVER think of contacting me but sent word via family to “come see me”. I told him I was hurt that he didn’t bother comming or supporting me. He replied that, “I wished you well in my own mind, sweetie. I had a nice few moments thinking that a part of me was graduating from college. I didn’t need to be there ’cause I had such great thoughts sitting right here at home. Oh, and by the way, I heard you planted a nice vegetable garden and are getting married. It’s about time you got your life together.”
https://ragadamed.com.br/2024/09/18/wukb27aital One year later, my husband was overseas and I asked “Dad” to come and visit. I lived near the beach and knew he loved the ocean. He replied and said he’d love to come for a long weekend with just one catch; I had to leave so he and his girlfriend could have a romantic weekend.
source Less than a year later, he told me I should have never been born, or if I had to be born, I could have at least been a boy so he could have enjoyed having a child. All while he was eating my food, driving my car and sleeping in my home. Yea, the home at the beach.
https://www.parolacce.org/2024/09/18/vvnb8vn Needless to say, I banished him from my life and have never looked back. That was fifteen years ago.
Order Roche Valium Online Times aint easy whenever you are in or going through a relationship that has a partner with narcissistic personality disorder but sites like these help you to understand we are really not alone there is a whole wealth of sites like this one that will help you through and when your unsure what it all means try utilizing the narcissistic quiz found here narcissistic behavior
click My son was in Iraq,fighting the war and he told his wife “the narcissist” over the phone (while in IRAQ) that he dreaded going out on his mission, (very danagerous). Her response to him was…Suck it up, Josh, that’s why you get a paycheck.
https://www.thephysicaltherapyadvisor.com/2024/09/18/mdih0fvq Two great quotes by narcissists in my life:
https://www.modulocapital.com.br/0wbhele My mother, upon noticing when i was like 20 that i was “upset” about having been part of a child pornography ring when i was a toddler: “Don’t feel like you’re the only one – I know exactly how you feel. When I was pregnant with you, the doctor touched me.”
Buy Diazepam 5Mg Tablets Uk Christmastime, 8 months after a counselor I’d been seeing long term had passed away from cancer – I was going through a spell of grief, and two days after we lost our beloved family terrier. My supervisor at work, who I had unfortunately developed a close relationship with, knew that I was getting depressed and gave me all kinds of suggestions. When I said I didn’t think she understood, she said “Right. No one understands your pain and your trauma except for (my therapist). Too bad there’s no one who can help you.”
https://technocretetrading.com/r2p4hftcx The idea of narcissism is something that i’ve only come across this past year, and I’m amazed to see the comments on this blog – I feel like there are really people out there who know what this is.
Sorry about your hideous childhood. And your therapist AND your dog checking out. That is all really awful. But yep…there are a lot of people who know what narcissism is. Since I haven’t mentioned it in a while, a great book to read is called “Why is it always about YOU” by Sandy Hotchkiss (and someone else.) It can be a confusing disorder and this book really sums it all up in a very comprehensible way. But there are a lot of good books on the subject. If you put the word Narcissism in to Amazon or any of the book sellers, you will see a TON of books. And a lot of them are helpful! And then their are the books on the Narcissism family of fun relatives: Borderline disorder, Sociopathy…its a big list. Reading this stuff is a great relief though. I recommend it!
Thanks. I love this site because it’s a great reminder of reality. Whenever I start to feel like I’m not seeing things correctly and the N’s in my life are just trying to help, I’m overreacting, etc., I look at what other people have posted. Their reality reminds me that none of us are crazy.
Yeah, I had the same experience of losing pets, once a dog and recently a cat, who died only to get some brush-off comment. The last time when I called with the news that I’d just put my cat down, all he replied with was: “Oh yeah?” A ten-second pause. Then he continued, “I just did 51 minutes on my exercise machine. Eight minutes longer than before!”
Nothing about my pain. Typical!!!
It’s very sad to lose a pet and to have to put one down is very difficult. His lack of response is crushing. He didn’t hear you; he didn’t acknowledge what you said. So many people don’t understand that validating your pain might be enough. We all just want to be heard. You didn’t get your moment. Instead, it was turned into his. Bummer.
My mother upon meeting my new beau.I am 39 years old at the time pulls out my VCE results.I did my high school diploma as an adult and got pretty good marks.She says to him”I keep this in my purse and show people because if they think Dee is smart they will think i am smart too.”He was astounded.
Yep. Your beau was right. THAT is astounding.
I new a guy who had 3-4 framed beefcake shots of himself hanging in his living room. When I asked, “Don’t you think that’s a little narcissistic?” He replied, “Sure, but I think narcissism is healthy.” Granted, he was a porn actor (he would stay star) but he was studying to be a therapist.
Background data: my parents divorced in 1978; my mother is currently married; when my dad passed away three years ago, I had him cremated and his urn sits on my piano; Dad’s birthday is July 4th.
1) Voicemail from my mother this year on the 4th: “I just wanted to wish you a happy 4th (first time she’s ever done so) and tell you to say happy birthday to Dad’s ashes for me when you walk by them.” A follow up email from her the same day “Did you say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Dad’s ashes from me even though he couldn’t hear it? Love Mom”. When I relayed this incident to my therapist and read her the email, the look on her face was priceless as was her burst of laughter.
2) I was going through a particularly stressful and busy time and hadn’t had time to have a phone conversation with my mother for several weeks (we’re on opposite coasts and she expects lengthy calls……like 2 hours or more). She was fully aware of everything I was dealing with and I did make a point to email her every day or every-other day. When I did finally have a phone conversation with her she said “well I appreciate getting email from you, even one-liners, but I NEED to have phone conversations with you too.” I once again explained to her everything I had on going on and told her it would be nice if she could be understanding and just accept the email until things slowed down for me. Her response was “I need to have communication with my daughter.” I said “but Mom, you have communication with me nearly nearly every day.” Her reply; “I said I appreciate the email, but I also need phone contact and you are not meeting my needs. I understand you are busy, but I have needs too, and you are not meeting my needs.”
3) One time when my son was about two or three, my mother said ; “Oh brother (voice dripping with scorn), he is just so busy isn’t he? He doesn’t give you a mintue of peace so that you can visit with me.”
4) As a small child I had allergies which caused frequent nose bleeds and coughing. Both the nosebleeds and coughing were worse during the night. The nosebleeds terrified me up until I was around 7 or 8. When I’d wake up in the night crying or coughing my mother would yell out to me “be quiet in there, I need my sleep”. This from a woman who didn’t work outside the home and who took the minimum of a two hour nap every single day (still does to this day).
5) When I’d get sick and vomit, she’d tell me she couldn’t sit with me or help me because seeing me vomit would make her sick to her stomach.
Janet,
Just know that you are not alone. My wife tells me similar stories of her childhood.
Best wishes.
I have a few narcissistic stories about my brother’s ex-wife, but this one is a beaut and in the end it turned out to be a twofer.
Back in the mid nineties, my husband Dave and I lived on Oahu. I had a little time in between projects and bookings, so I asked my then 77 year-old mother if she’d like to fly out to visit us for a week in paradise. Because Mom was not a world traveller by any means, I thought my niece who was 14 at the time could accompany her on the trip from Cleveland. That way, Mom could feel more comfortable and secure having a traveling companion with someone she knew. Plus, I knew my niece would be thrilled to make this trip out to Hawaii with her Grandma.
When my ex-sister-in-law called to confirm my niece could make it, she told me she would only allow it on the condition she could stay much longer than only a week – say at least 2 weeks, preferably a month. You see, she felt strongly a week would just not be enough time to do everything. After all, there was Maui and Big Island and the volcanoes and of course Kauai, too. And then there would be those days on the beach and shopping, etc., etc., etc. So I told her it was a shame my niece couldn’t make the trip with her Grandma because all I had was a week to set aside for entertaining guests in my home/office/studio.
Mom ended up traveling by herself after all and we had a lovely time together at the beach in Ko’Oina and Waikiki and Hanauma Bay, and she was so proud to see her girl’s work in all the galleries around the island, and we shopped for silly things at Hilo Hatties. When we took her to the airport on her final day to go back home, Mom seemed a bit irritated, but we just chalked it up to the fact she had a long trip ahead of her, was leaving paradise and she wouldn’t be seeing us again for awhile. When she settled back home in Cleveland, I called her to make sure her trip back went OK and to asked if she enjoyed her stay with us. And she replied, ” Well, it really wasn’t what I expected.”
And people wondered why we moved all the way to Hawaii.
I will never forget the day when my ex N came to pick me up in his new sporty boy racer car. It was obvious he was feeling very inflated and wanted to show it off.
He told me to jump in and off we went for a spin in it . I duly ooohed and aaaahed and obliged him by saying how flash and fast it was, grinning from ear to ear, and being seen to be suitably impressed and wowed.
On returning to my house my ex seemed to be seething at me! When I asked him what was wrong he told me that I was very unappreciative of him. I was puzzled and asked him why he thought that. I had shown heaps of admiration for his fantastic choice and told him I thought it was a really fantastic car!
‘Yes, I know!’ he said, ‘But I think any other girl would have felt very priveliged that I had allowed her to take a ride in it with me!!! It is MY car after all!….AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THANKED ME YET! I can’t believe how selfish you are!’
There I was with my mouth agape thinking how any other guy would have been very pleased with himself in succeeding to impress his girl and bigging his ego up too!!.
Haha!…how rude am I??
I almost p**s myself laughing when I think of it now!
I guess he also forgot to mention that after he was nice enough to not charge you for the ride, you also neglected to tip him. What a delightful lad was he!
After having been turned away from the door on two previous visits because “Myrna has the flu and doesn’t want to be disturbed”, a friend of my mother-in-law’s pushed past Bob, the significant other, to find Myrna on a blood covered sofa, legs, clothes and floor caked in blood. At first the friend thought Myrna had been murdered. After determining she wasn’t, in fact, dead, the friend called for an ambulance. My mother-in-law had been suffering from peritonitis for at least 4 days and maybe longer, and had been bleeding from her rectum and was near death from the infection and loss of blood. The friend related that, as Myrna was being loaded into the ambulance, Bob lamented, “Who’s going to take care of me?”
That is so far beyond amazing that I am not sure what word to use instead. Yours is certainly the most pictorially grotesque story in this long list of crazy stories by commenters. But good lord… what a perfect punch line. Hopefully the real punch line is not that your mother in law healed and got right back with Bob?
I told my (very recent) ex that I liked tulips and getting flowers – without missing a beat, he said “I like getting flowers, too.”
Fortunately, that relationship only lasted 2 months – before too much damage (to me) could be done – and in the end, it was he who broke up with me…over the course of 3 hours…while he explained how I had crushed his heart but perhaps we might still have a chance but first he needed to see me make improvements and perhaps I should consider therapy.
That was my first encounter with a narcissist…and I expect last, now that I know what the signs are.
My dad, who I’m now pretty sure was NPD though I’ve never been to a therapist, was funny in that viciously mean way that I’m sure you’re very familiar with. He would dispense insults freely and with no remorse. Nothing was out of bounds as long as it was true and the joke was funny. There was a period of several years in my early teens when he and I didn’t speak at all, because I wouldn’t receive his abuse with gentle good humor. When I was 12 or 13 I was moody and selfish in what I think was a pretty normal teenage way, and for Christmas he gave me a shirt from Spencer gifts at the mall that said “Zero to bitch in under 6 seconds.” He also videotaped me opening it. And when I stormed off, it was ME who ruined Christmas. It was always my fault.
One day after I was grown and out of the house and our relationship had thawed, he told me he had a friend at his local bar (he was an alcoholic) with a glass eye and one night the guy took my dad aside and said, “I know I pretend it doesn’t bother me when you make cracks about my eye, but it really does hurt my feelings and I’d like you to stop.” My dad seemed stunned, as if it had never crossed his mind that he was hurting people’s feelings.
BTW, can you recommend a good therapist in L.A.?
I don’t have a therapist to recommend but I can recommend that you keep your eyes open when you find yourself attracted to guys. Because screwy daddies send a bad set of signals to your unconscious. And I say that having no professional credentials whatsoever. (But its true.)
After going through a hellish divorce from an alcoholic (and had a son with him), I found (rather he found me) a really charming, wonderful man who opened doors for me, bought me flowers every week, wined me and dined me, professed his love for me like I always wanted. About a year after this, we decided to take the next step and move in together. After 4 years of being with this narcissist and having his son, I finally left him. I took the kids and left the house. Of course, anyone who’s dealt with a narcissist knows the vile that spews out of their mouths when they’ve learned they no longer get the narcissistic supply from you. He already found his next 2 victims before the split. After all the financial, emotional, and mental abuse, he finally put his hands on me as I was leaving as a last attempt to drain what life force was left in me. I ignored his evil comments, which only churns the narcissist’s anger even more. The last famous quote from my ex-narcissist was this… “You’re like 20 years old with 2 kids from 2 different fathers. NOBODY is ever going to love you like I loved you!” I ignored this comment and walked out the door. Of course I was thinking I don’t ever want anybody to love like YOU loved me! I haven’t looked back. Now I’m wondering what the custody/child support issue will be like dealing with a narcissist. Hopefully he keeps his eye on his prey and leaves me alone. After a couple weeks of researching this disorder and no contact with him, I am starting to find humor and pity for such a sick individual. It really is sad how out of touch with reality they all are. I am looking forward to my new life knowing I’ll look for the red flags before I EVER make that mistake again.
I’m glad that you have learned all this by twenty. But keep your eyes open. You’re so young you could easily walk right back in to this same spider web again and not even see it coming. Maybe the work of raising 2 kids will help keep you re-focused. GOOD LUCK.
My mother married a man that I DESPISE because he’s so self centered (I guess narcissistic would be the best descriptor). They have been dating for six years before being married, so I guess my mom is just a glutton for punishment or something. Anyway…
My mother recently got back surgery (a fusion of l1 to l5 vertebrae in her lumbar, or lower back, due to some major back problems). He’s gotten better recently (after being chewed out) but he did some -funny- things.
I’m in the hospital with my mother, we’re talking and he walks in.
Him: Are you better yet?
Mom: Oh I’m 100% better. What do you think? No.
Him: *grunt* Well, I’m feeling like shit. You better start feeling better, I need you around the house.
Mom: I will I will…
Later…
Mom has a walker, and she hates it
Him: HAHA you look like donnie (old friend who is quite annoying), you’re an old woman now! My old lady, haha!
Mom: Well, at least I’m not an ass.
Between here they talk a bit, she’s only returning what he’s dishing out to make fun of her. Things like “I can’t believe you wanted your hairbrush! No one’s going to look at you anyway!” and her going “Tangled hair makes my head hurt!” in response.
Him: *gets very angry* I’m not going to take this abuse! *stomps out of hospital room*
Me: *looks at mom* Uh…
Mom: I wasn’t being that mean, was I?
Me: No…
A few moments later.
Him: *stomps back in to get his keys and phone that he left*
Mom: You can stay…
Him: I don’t WANT TO *stomps out*
Me: *dies laughing after he’s gone*
Yep. Jerk.
Copied and pasted from an email my brother sent me about his screenplay:
“At a certain point, it became legitimately difficult to genuinely feel a lot of emotions unless I can put it in the context of a dramatic narrative, and art actually did become more lifelike than real life.”
“f I didn’t think I’d made something better than Catcher In The cocksucking Rye I’d kill myself.”
And here here’s talking about the main character in his screenplay:
“He does try to do some genuinely nice and non-sexual engagement of the girl that he finds who he perceives as not yet tainted. He ends up sending her on the way to ruin because, well, he has to suffer somehow for what he got away with and the only way he’ll really pay is to have to watch someone slide uncontrollably out of his grasp.”
Thats a chilling little character description. I hope the screenplay lives up to it. And as for the way he talks about himself: be glad that he is your brother and therefore you will never have to be his friend or lover. But he couldn’t just have turned in to this creature all alone. Is he doing your Dad or Mom?
My dad. I’m the one who posted above with the dad who was stunned when a guy with a glass eye asked him to stop making fun of it.
And, the screenplay is amazing. It’s my brother’s grandiose fantasy, his false self, and he thinks it’s brilliant and expected Hollywood to open its arms and declare him the next Tarantino. When I told him that was insane, he said “I bet that’s what Napoleon’s sister said to him.”
Both my brothers are turning into my dad. Here’s my other brother describing our childhood:
“I think we were pretty poor children. The concept of chores was virtually non-existent, and summer employment was spotty at best. I think we were poor contributors to the family unit. Meanwhile they coached soccer and drove us to lessons and took us to the beach and took us fishing and shit. My perspective on my younger self nowadays is that we not only took advantage of them and failed to make even a meager addition to the collective effort, but that we disrespected them. And further that they were not only in the right to be steamed about that, but that it’s a parent’s responsibility to produce persons who do not go out into the world expecting to just sit around and get a free ride. I think we kind of stunk, and I’m somewhat ashamed of who I was. ”
One brother’s grandiose, one’s full of shame. Thanks for your essays on the subject. It’s helping me.
Wait, I guess my other brother is turning into my mom: submissive, without his own identity. My dad’s appendage. His borders were erased, as you put it. He’ll make a narcissistic woman very happy one day.
That’s another fun piece of the puzzle. Unless they are on guard and/or in therapy, the children of narcissists turn in to narcissists themselves. Its a nice murky little mud puddle. Thanks, God…or whoevers idea this all was.
I have another quote from screenwriter brother:
“Yes I am a narcissist. Now apologize for calling me one.”
I dated a Narc for 3 years and finally ended it after several years of back and forth, getting together and breaking up…millions of times over. We finally ended it after he lied to me many, many times. And i finally had, had enough. The one line that got me madder than a wet hen ( And, I do have a temper, I am an Aquarius female…LOL). But, the one line that got me the most was when we were in an argument, he would say to me….. “You wanted the truth. And I am telling you the truth. You need to make up your mind!..You want the truth?..Or do you want me to lie to you?………..LOL
But, on a serious note….How do you spot a Narcissist?…I did not even know he was until i stumbled upon it on a website about a year ago…And then the “Rose” colored glasses just fell off my face……..So, I thank you for these kinds of websites..They really educate the “Victims” of these Narcissistic people….Thanks again! 🙂
After we’d been in a committed relationship for four months, my boyfriend offered an alternative arrangement: “Let’s try dating without any commitment, so I can feel like I have complete control over all my time. Plus, if I find a girl that I like better, this way I can feel free to pursue her.”
Needless to say, I didn’t take him up on that tempting offer. . .
The one thing narcissists have to offer: Since they don’t have empathy, they really know how to sling a good quote. That one’s so great, the guy is practically a comedy writer. It would get a big laugh in a sketch or a movie.
Communication between the Narcissist and the Co-dependant.
THE BREAK UP
After reading on the internet all about the Narcissistic relationship – I saw mine was a 100% match and decided to end it. I made countless efforts to avoid rage and facilitate his needs as much as possible. Currently we are separated – he didn’t want me to come anymore because I had to be away for a few days – resulting in rage – and he is giving me the silent treatment. I waited several days to take up the courage and end the relationship…..
This is what happened……
Me: We are done.
He: ?
Me: I now understand my shortcomings (taking the blame, avoiding rage)
He: I didn’t break up with you (he didn’t want me to come anymore)
He: Funny I somewhat expected that I will hear something from you. Are we done because I wanted to see you more? And are you breaking up despite you promised not to? I guess I understand & I don’t If you break up then inform me by when you return the car. For our son I suggest a 50/50 (time and money). Just need to agree which school we should register him. Let me know.
I had to take care of my son, so was away for a few days – resulting in rage from his part: verbal attack followed with silent treatment – no empathy for my situation. The car: I have a written agreement I can use it for a year (learned not to trust his words – and I contributed a significant amount of money).
He: Tried to call you: don’t wanna talk?
She: Not really – although I think we should make some agreements – experience learned us to only make them on paper.
He: I don’t understand. Why are you so upset & did you now end the relationship or not> And what do you want on paper? Pls clarify, so we can proceed. But maybe you clarify my 1ste two questions first.
She: I am upset because you punish me for caring for my son and you confused this with not caring for you. Trying to tell you was not successful and only resulting in more accusations – you have better friends – I only use you for your money and don’t love you at all. You punish me by telling me I should not come anymore – similar to kicking me out (we agreed he would not do this anymore, since this happened every two weeks and made me really feel bad) – and giving me the silent treatment. You made it clear to me – ever so often – I am nuts – don’t respect you and love you as much as I used to. I am not satisfying your needs anymore. I don’t honor any agreement, twist your words. I now get that I can only change my part, but unfortunately any effort from my side will be useless, because you need to change too and you will never agree to this. I came to terms that this is what it is – although I love you and would like us to be a great couple and raise our son together. This is a dream, idealization of what is and can be. I gave up on my dream, which maybe is also yours.
He: You can always look at things from two ways. You decided to take the negative look. You could also look that I love & miss you and don’t want to see you so rarely (I live with hem fulltime – but took a week to help my son). Your son is not art of the problem as you could have come for a day or two (he didn’t want me to come at all anymore) – like you did in the past (states example how great it was). Now today you can spend weeks without me and even blaming me for wanting you with me. As I said you chose the negative view. That I was somewhat hurt and said stupid things you understand & I apologize (second time in 6 years). The silent mode was also from your side, isn’t it? You really blame me for this? I don’t know why you don’t look at it from my side and you may look at it different.
Me: I do see your point of view and love the fact you want me with you – but dislike the rage attached to your obvious disappointment. I don’t use silence to hurt you – but my last contact with you did not encourage me as you were not responding very nicely to an invitation for a meeting with a friend (he did not want to have this meeting, because the previous time I talked too much).
He: I only stated the facts. I also did not liked your legal activities (business) without checking with me or someone else. It feels like you lost all respect for me business-wise & on top you don’t make an effort anymore for me as a human being. Unfortunately that’s how it feels and I expressed it. But you know that as much as I do. Of course I can & I will improve our relationship but it requires that we address the issues and that you have to find the answer to why you are making so little efforts for me compared to – 1 year ago? You are so busy & fast to defend yourself that you forget to reflect about your own actions. In this case my changing declining value in your eyes. If you don’t see it and it would get worse our relationship would not survive. I cannot & will not live with someone who shows no respect combined with little to no effort towards me. You can expect the same from me, but despite the tone of voice I do make an effort towards you & show respect to/for you as a private & a business person. You need to start to look also at your attitude & improve a few things and not only demand change from me. It makes sense to write it down together. At the end it is our life and it is up to us if we will have beautiful moments or a disaster with a soon end.
I decided not to respond anymore…..
I am 42 and my narcissistic boyfriend is 58. When we first met, I was 22 and he was 39, We were out of contact for 14 years, but have been back in contact since late 2005. He seems to think that I am still as naive as I was when I was 22.
I went to college to teach English. The other day, my narcissistic boyfriend was watching the movie “The Crow.” There was a line in it from Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven.” As if he knew the answer and wanted to test me to see if I did, he asked me where that line came from and who wrote it. When I said it was from “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe. he said, “Very good! Wow! I am really impressed. I wouldn’t have thought that you would have know that.” WHAT?????? HELLO!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE HE BE SO CONDESCENDING!!!!!!!!!!! I studied to teach English, and he knows this. He also knows that I also studied psychology – but individual, behavioral and analytical, rather than para-psychological (which is his favorite), so he knows that I know what he is doing and do not tolerate it, but he still continues to try. Unfortunately, you can’t tell a narcissist that he has and is a problem because he always thinks it’s everybody else.
Last night, we were watching NCIS. The Coast Guard found a dead Marine on one of their ships, so they called the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (becuase they are the ones who conduct criminal investigations involving the U.S. Navy and Marine Corps). My narcissistic boyfriend was confused by this and asked why the Coast Guard called the Navy about a Marine problem. When I said it was because the Marines are part of the Navy, he told me I was wrong because they are two separate branches. He also said I was wrong about the Air Force being a part of the Army. No amount of telling him that the father of a friend that I’ve known since 1972 was a Navy career man, and it was he who told me that the Marines were part of the Navy or that my grandfather had served in the Army Air Corps during World War II, and it was he who told me that the Air Force evolved out of that convinced him that I was right. He still said that he found it all hard to believe.
He then went on to say that he became angry with me because he didn’t care about why the NCIS was called to investigate the marines death. All I could do was just sit there thinking “then, why, on God’s green earth, did you ask the question?”
It was even funnier when he tried to argue that The Exorcist book and movie were released in 1966 or 1967 rather than their actual 1971 and 1973 release dates. Remember, I am 42, so in his mind, it doesn’t matter that the book and movie are among my favorites or that I am a writer and I majored in English; all he sees is the fact that I was in Montessori school and kindergarten back then, so I couldn’t possibly know the dates. I finally had to pull it up online and show him that the 1971 book and 1973 film were based on a 1950 conversation that the author (William Peter Blatty) had about an exorcism that took place in 1949 (nothing 1966/67 about that at all).
The way I see it, narcissists are like 15 to 25 year old kids They know everything about nothing at all.
Here are just a couple of doozies.
After firmly telling my then-husband, “You cannot see your girlfriend anymore,” he stomped his foot down and yelled “YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!”
My young daughter innocently listened as my mom said to her in all seriousness, “You are the reincarnation of my mother and you’ve come back to make up for the harm you’ve done to me.”
OMG!
When I told my Nar ex-husband (together 28 years) I wanted a divorce, he got very angry and yelled at me ‘You’re ruining my life!’.
Yeah, because he wanted to have his extramarital affairs AND have the dutiful wife.
It helps reading other peoples experiences with this type of person. Unless you’ve lived through it, you wouldn’t believe it.
I personally witnessed my 101 year old N-gramma sincerely say this to my dad. “Would you remarry [your ex-Nwife] so she will bring me candy?”
Rest in Peace Gramma
My husband has some stories from his marriage to his N-ex wife. Of course he had no idea that she was N but we figured it out once he started relaying these odd stories. My first clue that something was strange was how she could never have an original thought. If you were having a discussion with her she would simply paraphrase exactly what you said back to you, with a few changes to make the context correct. Also, any hate mail I got was always my own words turned around or jumbled up. Oh, and the constant quoting of others was odd too.
I have a very typical scenario my husband told me about that fits this page about things N say. He had hurt his back and could not walk, only crawl around until it healed. His ex-wife says to him: “I suppose you’re just going to lie around all day!”
Too funny! Well, not for him or his daughter. They were shell-shocked when I first met them. You never met more quiet people in your life. They learned how to walk through their house so as not to make the hardwood floor squeak because she would yell at them that they were too noisy. My step-daughter says she had the floor boards and steps numbered in her mind to avoid the squeaky ones. Also, she was not allowed to use the washroom after 9 because the noise of the light switch and toilet paper roll were too loud. Messed up! At 21 she no longer has contact with her N mother.
When she came to live with us at 15 she was like a little kid in terms of no idea how to do much on her own. I taught her many basics like taking a bus, mailing a letter, making a doctor’s appointment or calling for information. The hardest thing for her is trying to explain to others why she has no relationship with her mom. The N has everyone fooled so the child is the bad person. But, she is getting over it and moving forward with some new found self-esteem and independence.
Jen:
May I suggest you give your husband this book to read. Its a real game-changer.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/dp/0446392308
Here is an email from my sister in law. I had plans to have a surprise party for my husband and have friends fly in from other states, rent him a classic car (year of his bday), and his best friend was working on a photo montage to be played when a group of us went to a movie. I asked her to make my husband a scrapbook page for his 30th bday scrapbook, and when she said she didn’t want to, I emailed, “ok, but I think he would really like it:”. She criticized my invitations (printed out on the computer, who cares) and told me that my plans for his bday were foolish.
The best part is, after this email, she asked my husband to give her a ride to work – it was raining, and she didn’t want to get her car wet – and she told him all about the party. She wanted to warn him b/c, “if she loved you, she would have made much better invitations, and the party is going to be crappy. The credit score reference is because she works in HR and illegally pulled my credit (bad from a divorce) for fun.
COPIED FROM THE EMAIL:
I have every right to express my opinions, and it is my choice to not do a scrapbook page.
Quite frankly, you ARE NOT capable of making sound financial decisions….LOOK AT YOUR LIFE and your credit score. I’m very concerned for my brother, as he does have an excellent credit score and is FULLY CAPABLE of making sound decisions. My parents and I have tried to positively influence you, but you simply won’t listen.
I would have NEVER sent out such a poorly constructed invitation. If you truly care about someone, then you would put more time, money, and effort into an item which was going to numerous recipients.
As I believe my Mother has communicated to you, you and I have nothing in common. I prefer to surround myself with individuals who have common sense, financial sense, and class. Simply dealing with you at holiday celebrations and family gatherings is quite a struggle for me, but I do my best for ___’s sake.
I will probably not come to the party – in part, due to the differences between you and I, and also due to the parking situation at your residence. I’m not parking my 2007 Lexus at the mall after dark, at the apartment complex across the street, or along a crowded, narrow street. I do not feel comfortable, considering the car is worth $40K. My parents and I are planning birthday celebrations for ____ as well.
Once again, I don’t wish to receive any further emails from you, and I will ensure that I do not.
I cant even believe someone would have the balls to write this to someone! They need to be dropped in the desert. I hope you send this b#tch lots of pictures of everyone having a great time at the party! Gets my blood boiling! God Bless!
Well, thats quite a little extended family situation you have picked out for yourself. Certainly sounds like you are lucky that this woman is taking the initiative to cut off ties with you. Don’t resist. Let her. As my current, and brand new therapist advises me “I accept your condemnation and I grow from it.”
Thanks. This actually happened about 3 years ago. We now have a 3 month old, and she is in love with him. I love my son, but my snl is IN LOVE with him. Weird as weird can be. She didn’t talk to us for over 2 years, and then when the baby came, she was all kissing me on the cheek. She had a cow one time when we watched her dog for her. Her dog peed on the floor, and I wiped it up w/a tissue, then put it in the trash. She called ranting and raving about how dare we leave piss in her house and not take it outside to the dumpster. So, she wants to babysit. HELL NO. You can’t even handle your own dog’s pee, let alone a poopy baby. We told my mother in law how uncomfortable we are with it, and she seemed to understand, but then she emailed my husband that she wanted to watch the baby, and my sister in law would come over to pick him up. Nope NOPE NOPE. Not happening.
There are a few truly stupid things that I can remember my narcissistic ex saying. Had I not been “in love” with him at the time, I probably would have taken better notice.
Here goes:
“If I’m happy, I’m happy!” This was something he always would say when he knew he was making me unhappy.
There was one instance where he turned my great mood into a mood of total defeat and sadness through a series of escalating and emotionally abusive comments. His take on the situation after driving me to tears was, “That was fun.”
Not for me…
Here’s the topper though. On the day of my mother’s funeral, he pranced around her memorial service laughing at his own jokes. He offered to buy dinner for me afterward and began picking a fight with me during dinner. By the time we got home, while I begged him to be kind on that day of all days, he handled my upset with these words, “Wah! Wah! Wah!”
He was a real piece of work!
Wow. ‘Wah,wah,wah’ is kind of a classic!!
I’m the husband of “SNL of a N”. I had a great time at my birthday party and still can’t believe the length to which my wife went to make it a great birthday. My sister ruined the suprise, but fortunately the party was a ton of fun since she didn’t attend.
My wife and I have a 3 month old baby. My narcissistic sister recently offered to babysit. This is suprising for numerous reasons. A few years ago I took care of my sister’s dog (back when we were still talking frequently). When my sister got back, she calls and chews me out because I threw away paper towels in her trash can that had dog pee on them. Apparently I was supposed to walk all the way across her apartment complex and throw the paper towels in the dumpster. Keep in mind, her dog pees often when she gets excited. Anyway, my baby has pooped, peed, and thrown up on me quite a few times in the past three months. There is no way in h#@% I’m letting my sister, who has anger issues, take care of baby that could potentially ruin her precious couch, carpeting, clothing, etc. Not to mention, I just don’t trust my sister and neither does my wife. My wife responded to my sister by saying that he’s just too difficult right now since he’s spitting up a lot and she doesn’t want him to potentially ruin anything at her apartment. My sister’s response, “Okay well this my FINAL offer!”. Really, you’ll never ask again? My wife and I both thought, “Promise?”
Glad your birthday worked out great. I am starting to get a picture of sis and her rigidity as someone who feels desperately out of control for some reason and therefore requires a tight set of unvarying rules about how everything has to be done. Poor sis. Unfortunately its rare that a narcissistic person thinks they have problems or seeks help. And Sis doesn’t sound like a likely candidate.
No, I don’t think she’ll ever seek help. She thinks she’s the picture of perfection. From what I’ve read about narcissistic personality disorders, I think her control issues stem from our parent’s divorce. She was 4 years old at the time and took it really hard. I was only a year old and don’t remember it at all. My mother describes her as very needy during her childhood. As a child, she would wait on the street curb for my mother to come home from work. When she was a baby, they actually had to move her crib to the other bedroom wall so she couldn’t see people pass her bedroom in the hallway. If she saw someone, she would cry for attention immediately. I was the opposite. As long as I had a toy to play with, I’d keep myself entertained for hours and didn’t care who passed by in the hallway. As an adult, my sister is needy and has stayed in many highly dysfunctional relationships way too long.
The little kid stuff is so sad.
I have a couple. My exN husband asked me to call him “Lord” as if he’s God. Another time when I was trying to explain to him how hurt I was over his flirting with other women in front of me and massaging other women in front of me he said (with a straight face) “I’ve lost 9 pounds and I’m looking more fit!” Yep, completely out of context but that told me what I was saying was going in one ear and out the other and he was thinking of how good he looks. He also used to give me the fake violin playing if I cried or was hurt by things he did.
My mother is also an N and when my oldest sister lost her son in an accident (and when my sister probably needed love and comfort most) my mother said “I grieved last night for 3 hours…I’m done!” and she meant it. She didn’t reach out to my sister, didn’t go see her and refused to go to the funeral of her dead grandson!
You have to be really careful because being raised by someone as narcissistic as your mother has set you up for trying to cope and handle really HIDEOUS behavior. I dont know which of these stories I like best…they’re both so amazing….but I do know that there’s nothing like the old fake violin playing to make me want to ball bat someone. Good luck with picking people more carefully in the future!!!
I hear ya Merrill. My mother set me up for a N husband. I was conditioned to accept really bad behavior and was taught from a very early age that it was ME with the problem not them (no matter what it was). I now know why I put up with such horrible abuse for many years from my ex husband and know the red flags of narcissistic people. They truly are evil and tyrants. It’s unbelievable the abuse they hand out then project their bad behavior on to you and then tell everyone that you are the crazy one!
I have another more… my ex husband was found to have inappropriate relationships with young girls (one as young as 11!!!) and when I found out and called him out for it – and told our church because these young girls were from your church – that I was the “sick” one for accusing him of bad behavior and that my mind is filled with sexual sin. He said his secret relationships with young girls was only inappropriate in my mind and no one else’s. Of course, I proved that statement wrong when I told some of the parents of the young girls what he was up to.
Another one about my N mom. She thinks she has the right to decide who comes to any event planned that she is invited to. She threw a tantrum in the parking lot of my nephew’s graduation from high school and made a fool of all of us by yelling that she didn’t approve of someone that showed up (the boy’s uncle!). She has done this our entire lives. She told my sister who she can and can’t invite to my sister’s house and threw a fit when my sister’s friends showed up!!
Wow, this is therapeutic and FUN!! Thanks Merrill for this site!
My mother is a narc and once when I was confronting her for something she did to me (and I can’t remember right now what it was) she started crying and said ” I only had one pair of underwear growing up and everyday after school I had to come home to clean and sew them.”
I confronted her once about some vile names she called me and she said “Your father calls me those things too!”
My father’s mother became sick and at the time she was being tested for cancer, but it was still early stages of testing so no one knew what she had. My sister came over one day and started asking my mother about it, if the tests were done, did they find cancer, etc. My mother never answered her questions. Instead, she started crying, pulled off her shirt, pointed to a spot on her chest and said “I have skin cancer!” When my grandmother did die a year or so later from cancer, my mother never told anyone until a day or so before the funeral.
Narcs are known for their projection and now I know my mother did that a lot. She once told family and neighbors that I made my daughter (who was a baby at the time) sleep in dog feces. We didn’t even have a dog. She also told family and neighbors my husband and I were on drugs. Thank God everyone knew what she was like and didn’t call CPS! Then years later when I lost weight from working out and watching what I ate, she told my family while in tears that my husband was feeding me tranquilizers. Recently I went no contact with her but I did call her and after a big blow out between us I brought up these lies she’d told people in the past and how she projects. Then I asked her “Ok, when I was little, how long did I sleep in dog poop?”
Wow. Your mother sounds like she has some other mental illness issues on top of/ besides narcissism. That is an awful story. But I agree with the end question. I would have asked that too.
Yeah, I definitely think so too.
When I was around six a loose tooth was bothering me and refused to fall out, and I remember being seized with the fear that the tooth would stay that way, attached by one nerve, forever. I went to my mother in a panic, crying hysterically, and she said:
“Jesus, all this over a loose tooth? What are you gonna do when something bad happens to you?”
I broke up with my N the night after he raged at me. The reason for this rage?
“And you haven’t even asked me about my cat!”
The next day was the fourth, and LAST time, I split with him.
Correy that cat comment made me laugh. I’m sorry I don’t mean to minimize your pain but only another narc victim can really understand that something that sounds so silly and minimal is a classic N tactic. No matter what the situation is…without exception….they always have to turn it around somehow to make it all about them! I once went to the hospital E room because the doctors thought I was having a heart attack. They kept me overnight and ran all sorts of tests on me. What does my xN husband (we were married at the time) do? First he raged at me for expecting him to leave bowling to come to the hospital with me and then when he showed up he starts minimizing what is happening to me (I was terrified) and starts talking about how much he hurts here and there and everywhere and how it should be him in the bed because his family has a history of heart disease! No sympathy whatsoever! Just all about him!
🙂 Still laughing about the cat! Aren’t you glad you are away from him? Enjoy your day!
Hi KC.
Wow. Actually what you replied figures into the whole crux of why he had that rage attack in the first place.
I have a severe pain disorder called trigeminal neuralgia, and had spent a month with my ex over Christmas (we’re both academics) vacation. The last day of our long visit I went in for a procedure where they stick a needle into your skull to numb nerves. After the procedure I slept for about ten days, waking up for just a few hours a day, usually in the middle of the night.
When he first got quiet, before the raging, I asked “What’s wrong?” He starts screaming how he could “never get in a word edge wise!” (and I’m LITERALLY thinking to myself the word “projection” as he’s saying this).
Then I said “well what’s wrong? talk to me?!” Then started his laundry list, which started with “and in January you didn’t call me for three days!”
I’m like “Dude… I HAD BRAIN SURGERY!”
His reply was “Well I missed you so bad and you never called.”
His cat had run away during that period. And that’s when I got the cat comment but then the language he used really showed how he was thinking:
“How could you give me such a wonderful month only to take it away from me?”
Like implying that I gave him a great Christmas only to then “torture” him somehow by having not a lot of phone contact for a few weeks.
As if I somehow conspired against him to A: get trigeminal neuralgia. B: get surgery in my brain to sleep for ten days to IRRITATE HIM. C: (much sarcasm here) Oh well obviously I’m completely self-absorbed myself as I was worried about a brain infection, et. al., obviously your missing cat (whom he was mean to) is SO much more important my GOD what’s WRONG with me?
It didn’t dawn on me he was an N until well into the relationship and I did kick myself as my mother was.
Glad the kitty cat made you laugh. lol
PS: I got accused of trying to sabotage his job too (?????), maybe it’s my fault the cat ran away.
Correy,
Unbelievable! How dare you need brain surgery when his cat ran away! Don’t you know that a cat is more important?? (LOL!) I can totally see how he would think you conspired to ignore his cat problems….NOT! They are so self-absorbed!! Our daughter went to the emergency room once for what we thought was a severe problem and while I was in my daughter’s room holding her hand – while she was terrified – he was out in the waiting room throwing a tantrum and yelling at me from down the hall that I was sitting in there with my daughter and not in the waiting room with him! He stormed out of the hospital and walked home! Did I mention that she is also his daughter?!?! I simply could not believe what he was doing. I took me years to figure out that my ex husband was an N. I had been raised by an N so I thought his behavior was “normal”. It wasn’t! It was always about him! Once when I was 5 months pregnant (with his daughter – the same one) my car broke down on the side of a freeway in a very bad neighborhood I had to get out of the car, walk up the ramp to find a pay-phone in this horrible neighborhood. When I called him he first raged at me, second asked me if I had locked up his CD collection before leaving the car, then came with a tow truck to pick up the car He picked up the car first while I stood on a corner in this dangerous place and then came to look for me after he had the car attached to the tow truck. This took a long time! He cared more about his CDs then he did me!
Anyway, I could go on and on! I’m glad you’re finally rid of the cat lover….ha!
Since I’ve directed all of my sisters to your essay on your Mom I suppose they might recognize these stories but:
When I became engaged at the creaky age of 38, my Mom took one look at my brand, spanky new ring and quipped “Oooooh I like it! If you die, can I have it?”
And, recently, after my siblings and I scrambled home from across the country to attend an emergency hearing during which my long-suffering brother was involuntarily committed … when it came time for us to return to our lives my Mom sobbed “Why won’t anyone stay to PLAY with ME?????”
My mother – huge abusive narcissist. She now has Alzheimer’s and I’m dealing with my ambivalence about it all. She has one granddaughter – my daughter – who she insulted as a child (“You’re fat and I’m putting you on a diet!” Now she sends this sophisticated old soul of 17 newspaper clippings about women with excess facial hair and how nose piercings will attract lightning and kill her.
My father is acting as sole caregiver and spouse right now – he’s the one I’m mainly concerned about. He could never say “no” to her. So at the the age of 80 she decided to get a St. Bernard puppy because she was delusional about the one she had when we were kids 45 years ago. That was the dog who ate well and on time, unlike my brother and myself. The dog didn’t get woken up in the middle of the night and beaten because it hadn’t cleaned something correctly.
The dog was miserable. Isolated, unsocialized and untrained. It would have given her a broken hip if not outright killed her (again…ambivalent monster here!) My father suffers from serious seasonal allergies and this year he got slammed with all sorts of bronchial infections. He was nearly non-functional. His allergist said “The dog goes or you step into an early grave.” When I called to say I’d found a family to adopt the dog, my mother started sobbing. She said it was going to rain soon and the allergies would go away. I told her that her husband was over 80, the dander and fur was a tipping point here, his doctor told him he would die if she kept the dog. She wailed even louder saying “What do I do? Oh what do I do?” I responded by telling her unless she wanted to end up in jail for involuntary manslaughter, she should get rid of the dog.
See – dementia can work in your favor! She forgot what I said. But she did spend most of Thanksgiving dinner talking about how her dog was taken from her and she thinks my father was lying about his allergies.
One of the many things I’ve learned about those of us with narcissistic and abusive parents is that not only can we take a lot from other people, but if we’re with the wrong partners, they will use your upbringing against you. So now it’s doubly your fault. The reality is a lot of us are healthy, more nurturing and insightful than average.
Over spaghetti at an Italian bistro, I excitedly told my mother that someone was interested in filming my literary salon and putting on the internet air, but wanted to “own a sizable chunk” of this thing I had been building for years, in perpetuity, even though they were offering no financial renumeration in return. She said, “Own what? It’s not worth anything.” http://instantrimshot.com/
Cleaning out some ancient files, I found a card from my mother sent to me at age 12 while at camp, and I assume a duplicate to my brother. The cover has Lucy saying “We critical people are always being criticized!” Inside the following: Dearest, I know that both you and your brother think I’m like Lucy. That’s why I’m sending this card so you don’t forget me. The house is so empty and desolate without screaming children in it. Dreadful. Hope you have a little better weather than we have – it’s been miserable. Love, Mother
Well, that is just incredibly great for a whole bunch of layers of reasons that I have a feeling you do not need me to point out. Also: Screaming children!! What a great card!
Thank you! It is indeed one of a number of descriptions of narcissistic perfection presented on this blog. I scanned the card for saving, put it in recycling and my 17-year-old saw it, asking if she could have it just for it’s psychological/artistic aesthetics. The following occurred to me: Every year, next to my Christmas tree, I put up the Tree of Christmas Irony – Santa in the pilot’s seat of a bomber, The Hulk delivering presents- stuff like that. I’m wondering if it might be fun and healing to set up a narcissist holiday tree where we can post as cards all the amazing darndest things they say and do! Cheers – Brook
I’ve recently discovered, after much reading and thought, that my husband is a covert narcissist. I’m trying to find a job with a living wage, save money, and leave him. This winter has been a hard one. I’ve been sick a lot due to the emotional trauma of living with him. I came down with a bad flu in February. Upon finding out that I was sick, my husband yelled at me, “Look at you! What’s wrong with you! You need to go the the emergency room! You’re going to DIE!” With that, he drove off in my car to his work. (We only have one vehicle.)
I developed severe back pain in the summer of 2009. (I know now that the pain was psychosomatic.) The back spasms were so severe I couldn’t stand without support, walk, or sit for weeks. I crawled around the house with knee pads and gloves on. My husband was out of town visiting one of his friends at the time. As usual, he had not left a contact phone number. I happened to be standing up in the living room with the aid of my neighbor and a cane when he came home. The look on his face when he saw me was horrifying. I thought, “I’m really in for it now!”
I spent almost a month lying on pillows on the floor of the office with my laptop so I had something to do. I’d give my husband simple grocery lists when he’d offer to go shopping for me. He’d *always* come back with the wrong items or almost nothing at all. He would not cook for me. I lost weight from not being able to cook much because I couldn’t stand up. After a month went by, I was able to get around unsupported. People said I looked great because of my weight loss. They didn’t know that I wasn’t getting enough to eat. Most of my friends and neighbors think my husband is the kindest, most wonderful person they’ve ever met. That’s what I thought when I met him. I’m still trying to get up the guts to tell them the truth, but I’m worried that they’ll tell him what I said. It’s incredible how good he is at keeping up his image in front of others!
My husband likes to screw with my head in other ways. I occasionally work in the same building he does. He’ll call my office and ask if I’m hungry. I’ll usually say no–that I’ve already eaten. Then, he’ll appear with a huge plate of food and set it in front of me. My coworkers have seen this and will comment on how sweet my husband is.
He has broken a lot of my stuff and will yell at me for it. On my birthday, we got into an argument about his gaslighting. After screaming, “F$$$ you b*tch! BARK BARK BARK!” he went out and bought a six-pack of beer called Bitch Creek ESB. He acted baffled when I got upset at the name of the beer and said, “You don’t appreciate anything I do for you! This is your present!”
Only one friend of mine has been able to see through his act to a certain extent. I remember talking with him about my husband. My friend told me that there seems to be “nothing behind the friendly smile” in regard to my husband. I had a dream where my husband was sitting on a gigantic throne, wearing only a diaper and a crown while sucking on a pacifier. Before I was aware of his NPD, I would imagine him as a black hole–a hollow person with no substance who sucks the life out of everything. I say to myself, “the black hole…so dense not even light can escape!”
The things I’m describing here are only the tip of the iceberg!
Dear Kerstin:
Please buy this book immediately and read it: The Mind Body Prescriptionby Dr. John Sarno. There are used copies on Amazon for 95 cents so there’s no excuse not to buy it It will change your back situation by explaining it to you. Do it.
Merrill, I actually bought the book Mind Over Back Pain in December! It has helped me a lot. Thank you.
Kerstin,
I, too, was married to a severly disordered N. We had been together for 24 years. He was very, very covert like your husband. Everyone loves him. I was the monster to everyone because he had smeared me for years and quite frankly in public I was always disgusted at his charasmatic performance that people read my disgust as rudeness and they felt sorry for him. He has fan clubs full of people. Only me and my 2 kids saw him for what he was. Now the three of us have nothing to do with him and people are now beginning to wonder why and connect the dots. Anyway, I was diagnosed with “fibromyalgia” because I was in constant pain. I took pain meds daily just to get by. It was horrible and I could hardly function. When my ex N husband devalued and discarded me (just one day got up and left and never came back and has no remorse for what he’s done) needless to say I was devastated. However, the longer he was gone the better my pain condition got. I am not 18 months out of that marriage and I’m off all meds. I no longer have the pain I suffered with. It’s amazing. Now I know the source of my pain – both emotional and physical pain – it was him. Hang in there!
KC!
How bizarre and what a coincidence! I take pain meds too for my trigeminal neuralgia. Since my break up with him I’m actually 6 days PAST my refill date on them and I just plain forgot to do it.
My ex wife and my daughter actually told me I look younger to them than I did before. I don’t want to blame him for pain and my beard turning gray, but my daughter actually asked me if I used some “just for men” and I hadn’t!
We have some very similar experiences I think!
KC, I’m glad to hear you are out of your relationship and that your physical pain is better. It’s amazing how emotional trauma can be manifested physically. Thank you for the encouragement!
Correy,
Yes it does seem that we have similar experiences! Wow, what these N’s do to us! It’s unbelievable! I’m just glad me and my kids are away from my ex N. He’s already getting remarried and quite frankly I don’t feel sorry at all for his new “wife” since she obviously has ignored all the red flags and is marrying a man who has kids and she has never once seen them! She obviously isn’t asking him why his kids want nothing to do with him! Anyway, I guess we could go on and on with war stories! So glad you are feeling better!!
Hello Merril. Thanks for this discussion. It’s pretty amazing and I think I have a good contribution. I’m an actor and I’ve been in a few movies. One night a few years ago, my wife and I had dinner with my parents and her parents and at one point in the evening my father-in-law said to my Dad “you must get a real kick out of seeing your son on the big screen”. I was curious to hear my Dad’s response to this because if he had any positive feelings about me or my work, he kept them pretty quiet. His response did not disappoint. He said “well, other people can watch his work and enjoy it but I can only see everything he’s doing wrong”. My in-laws were stunned but I certainly wasn’t. What he said is the sort of thing that actors say about their own work all the time – “apparently some people enjoy my performances but when I try to watch myself, all I see is what I could have done better”. That he had absolutely no shame in announcing to dinner guests that he felt that way about me and my work is just an indication of the complete ownership he believes he has over me and everything I do. He’s not being critical of another person when he criticizes me, he’s being self-critical. When he dumps on my work, he’s just tirelessly continuing to hone OUR craft. And to think I’ve never had the decency to thank him for it.
Okay…each of these stories is fabulous in its own way. But yours is, for me, just SO PERFECT. So congratulations. And your analysis of it is dead on as well. Its just a good thing that Freud and his minions bothered to invent psychotherapy because if someone very smart hadn’t managed to catalogue the permutations of human behavior in to systems that could be analyzed and explained, how in the world would any of the rest of us ever have figured this stuff out?
It’s so good to see all these stories. I have a few to share too, from my narcissist ex who I have been seeing for three years now.
~ When I found out I got pregnant with his child, he called me up one Friday night and said: “What am I going to do now? It feels like I have to choke up all the troubles in the world. What did I do wrong to deserve this? If you are keeping this baby, I will hate it forever.”
~ We were visting his best friend, and he asked my ex to look him right in the eye and tell him if he truly loved me. “Yes,” my ex replied, “I truly love her. ” A few days later, I asked my ex if he meant that, and he said to me that he was just goofing around. I said that I couldn’t believe he played with my feelings like that. His answer: “I can’t believe you don’t understand that 99% of the time my best friend and I are just talking nonsense. It’s not my fault you decided not having your feelings in control.”
~ After more than a year of planning a holiday together, we finally booked a little trip to London. I was really looking forward to make some good memories after all the bad. I already had enough before we even got to the airport. He was occupied with his phone the whole time. By the time we got there, I found out why myself by accident: he had to go back 2 days earlier to be part of a tv-show, and I had to decide if I wanted to stay or leave with him. I was so upset, since he didn’t want to tell me right away; I would only be whining for the rest of the trip, according to him. The rest of the trip he was only busy with preparing his part, didn’t bother to get de-attached from his phone, was too tired to make it up, and when I asked him more than once to stop talking in a language I can’t understand, he said: “I do whatever I want. Neither God, my mother or you can decide what I do. When I feel like talking Farsi, I f*cking do.”
~During this same trip, I really tried to keep my cool as good as I possibly could, asked him about his progress in his preparations, told him he did a good job, left a sweet and encouraging note in which I said I was so curious about his results. A few weeks later, he said: “I don’t think this is going to work out. I need someone who understands that I have to go places.”
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. And the worst part is…his ex is still crazy about him. When I asked for the reason why, he said: “Because she thinks there is a chance we will get back together one day.”
Me: “And is that the case?”
Him: “No. I don’t feel any physical attraction for her at all. And when I look back on our first night together, that actually has always been the case. She doesn’t cause any physical reaction to me. We are just close friends.”
Me: “Why does she think there is a chance then?”
Him: “Because I sometimes make certain remarks.”
Sorry for maybe a too long of a post. I almost can’t stop writing now I know there are more people dealing with this.
Wow. Those are some awful stories. I can see why you were with him for three years. He sounds like a wonderful human being. But how odd that he is also an actor (or whatever was causing him to make a TV appearance,) since its so rare to run in to a narcissistic asshole in show business.
He is not an actor…well…at least, he doesn’t get paid to do his acting part 😉
He is in politics, people want to know his opinion, and in his own words, he is going to ‘free the world from dictators’.
How ironic.
Sometimes it feels like I’m surrounded by narcissists. Here are a few of my personal favorites…
Me: “Guess what? Grandpa is giving us two tickets to the monster truck rally for little billy’s birthday. He thought the two of you would enjoy that.”
Husband: “Ugh!, monster trucks, I heard the show sucks. Like I’m really gonna enjoy that.”
My son(4yrs): “Uh-Mom, I love you, but can you get a tissue? I don’t want your tears on my shirt.”
The same son(15yrs): “Yeah-yeah times are tight. I know you said I’d have make a few sacrifices, but what sacrifices have YOU made?”
My mother (who lives 600miles away): “No… we weren’t planning on a visit when the baby’s born. Were using our vacation time to go to Disney instead this year. I think I deserve that.”
Ex-coworker upon finding a client’s missing file: “Well I’m glad you found it but, the important thing is, at least now we know it wasn’t MY fault afterall.”
Husband: “Of course I Love you, and I will love this baby when she gets here, but try to understand how I feel…it’s not like she was a conscience decision.”
Thanks Merrill for helping us remember that sometimes you just gotta step back and laugh.
Dear Colleen:
Once you’ve had enough stepping back and laughing, I would recommend you do more reading on this subject and, when you can afford it, try a little therapy . If you search Amazon under narcissism you’ll find a lot of books, many for sale for practically nothing if you get them used. One of my favorites is called “Why is it always about you?” . But there are many others. Time to start researching what you can do with your own reactions to at least not encourage your kids to be so insensitive.. Sounds like you have a new baby, or are about to…so hopefully you can get a new perspective on it all before you have this problem with the next kid too. Seriously. START READING. Good luck.
My now ex-husband and I had been separated about three months when one of our dogs took a turn for the worse. I called the asshole to tell him it was time to humanely have him put down and asked him to go to the vet with me. After all, we had shared this dog for 15 years. As we were waiting for the vet to come into the room, I was crying about losing my dog when he said “I filed for divorce today. You should be served with papers later today or tomorrow.” I thought about asking the vet if he could bring in a second syringe.
If your ex is out of work, maybe he can get a job as a speech writer for Newt Gingrich.
Some gems from my mother in law who we have at last after 11 years of hell cut out of our lives, only to receive emotional blackmail such as she will ‘do something stupid’ if my partner doesn’t do as she says and leave me.
‘It seems all you want to do is steal ***** from his family and try to turn the rest of the family against me, which I assure you will not happen’.
*****has to choose between his mother and his ‘partner’ and he must expect to be disinherited if he makes the wrong choice’ (which she has now done)
‘So now I know! it seems all I have done for you counts for nothing’ (after my partner refused to leave me and daughter)
‘It was my suggestion to disinherit ***** which Dad was loathed to agree with at first. However I have convinced him’
‘Please return your key to this house-I don’t have a key to yours-why should you have one to ours’
‘Once this is done there will be no further contact between us-you have made your choice-live with it!’ (after *****didn’t ‘choose’ her and leave me and our daughter.)
After we had returned the door key as requested ‘The locks have been changed as you would not return the door key and our wills have also been changed’
‘If we could have guaranteed that ******(me) would not benefit in any way from our money this would not have happened’ (re. disinheritance)
‘Just for the record, I sent a birthday card, it obviously didn’t get to you -I wonder why?’
‘I personally find present buying enjoyable; trying to match the person to the present is much more enjoyable than receiving. Obviously you have missed out on this.’ My partner received a pair of second hand shoes last birthday and in 10 years I have had a couple of cheques for £10.00. Clearly she doesn’t think much of us!
‘If I have made off the cuff remarks to you you should be glad I thought of you as family’
‘The only thing I expect from people is respect. If I don’t get respect why should I give it?’
‘the only expectation I have is that***** should respect who I am-his mother!’
‘As regards grandchildren. I realised several years ago that you had no intention of giving ***** children even though you once said to me that you knew he would like a son. Given the current circumstances you would have denied us access so perhaps it is better that you don’t have any more’. This was written in a letter to me a day after I was discharged from hospital after surgery for a miscarriage at 13 weeks.
‘I feel because you had a relationship you had no control over you picked *****because you can control him and his life’
‘I don’t hate you or even dislike you but I do feel very sorry for you’
‘You say you have no interest in my husband’s money but you were happy to take it when you needed it weren’t you’ (presumably referring to a loan my partner had from them paid back in full 3 years ago)
My partner was also told by her to ‘relinquish’ his surname.
Thank goodness we no longer see them. Still finding it hard to heal after the truly horrible things she has said and done. How can a parent treat their own child in such a way?
Wow. Well, that certainly sounds 600% toxic. There really is no sensible choice but to cut off all ties. But the road to feeling better is through reading. Go on Amazon and read everything you can about Narcissism and also…maybe…borderline disorder too. And I hope your partner is in therapy. He really absolutely should be. Best of luck.
Haha well all of these stories definitely make Me feel better, and I have tons of stories, but this is the most recent funny one.
I have a 3 year old daughter, which is not my boyfriends, and I am pregnant with his child, we have been together a year and a half.. He has a wedding social to go to the saturday night before Easter sunday, which I am not invited to.. So I ask him to please be home at a decent hour, so we can enjoy Easter morning as a family.. He says he will try this is a really important wedding social.. I said I am was really unimpressed by that comment and how he seems not to care about any “family holidays” we should be spending together.. And his response was, well I don’t really care about doing family stuff with you guys, but I do care about my family functions! (meaning his side of the family stuff) like wtf.
Wow. That’s sad. I’m sorry that the ‘tons of stories’ you have didn’t make you pause before deciding to have a kid with a callous guy like this. GOOD LUCK and please go ahead and be sure to have a VERY Happy Easter with your daughter anyway. She’s your family. Do whatever it takes to make it great for her.
Well, acutally it did, I left him in December and found out in January that I was pregnant.. It wasn’t excatly planned… We’ve been trying again for the kid, I thought all of this time he just hadn’t matured, but just this Thursday I stumbled upon Narcissistic personality disorder, and realized that was him to a tee, he’s maybe even worse. so I’m am going to start the lengthy process of talking to someone and moving on! It was really comforting to realize I’m not the only one, but really hurts because I never realized someone could be so sick. And thank you we will have a wonderful Easter regardless! You too!
After fraudulently posing as trustee of my senile mother’s estate and covertly destroying it while lying to me year after year about it, my brother realized he could hide the damage no longer and invited me to a meeting at which he and his wife described the damage as if it had sort of just accidentally happened while he was busy with other stuff. He saw the horrified expression on my face when I saw the real numbers, the real damage, and his primary reaction was to cry crocodile tears and say he was worried he had ruined our relationship. He was clearly performing for the benefit of his wife and adult daughter, who was also present at the meeting. I told him he needed to see a shrink and he promised he would. His saintly enabler wife also demanded he go to counselling and he promised HER he would. That was 3.5 years ago and of course he hasn’t. Shortly after the meeting my mother died, leaving us the remnants of the trust, and I was able to force my brother to submit to financial arbitration because he was terrified I would sue him. I was awarded a substantial sum of what remained of his half of the devastated parental estate, but the damage had already been done to my financial future. After the arbitration, my brother told me on the phone that he planned “never to talk about this issue again.” Now he pretends to be baffled why, though I am coldly civil, I will no longer have a personal relationship with him. Oh, and the enabler wife? He maneuvered her into writing an extremely angry letter to me basically blaming me for being outraged at her husband’s outrageous behavior. Meanwhile, he feigned being “reasonable.” After the meeting, she began to exercise at a furious rate……building up, after 10 months, to a full out triathlon, at age 61. During the triathlon, she experienced shoulder pain which turned out to be metastasized cancer. She was dead within a year of the diagnosis. Had all the exercise and internalized emotional stress knocked down her immune system and set her up for the cancer? You tell me. I’ve only given you the tip of the iceberg of the damage my brother did, but the point is, he still lives in denial about the whole thing, and so do both of his adult children. So the damage he orchestrated is not only financial, but emotional and psychological. And it continues, for he continues to live the lie. Oh, and yes, he is one of those salesmen who’s very well liked, and by quite a few decent people, in his community. He’s a good neighbor and father, but a treacherous brother. If my father and mother had learned what he did, they would have been horrified, mortified, stupefied. Fortunately, my father was already dead and my mother had Alzheimer’s, so only I grasped the full dimensions of his mayhem. I guess you could say this is a Cain and Abel story, and this 21st Century Cain is part Narcissist, part sociopath, part sibling bent on revenge. He’s 4 years older, he resented the hell out of me from the day I was born, but he did a good job of biding his time and hiding his hatred until he got his “chance.” …A very patient hunter indeed.
The only good news here is that it sure sounds like you’ve got a very clear grasp of the situation. He sounds sociopathic. The tears are what signaled it for me. The sociopaths seem to love to break out the tears when trapped. Its an awful story. But I am glad you at least see it accurately and can protect yourself in the future. Sometimes it is reassuring to read parallel stories. If you are looking for a good layman’s book about sociopathy, I liked The Sociopath Next Door. But there are tons more. Sorry this happened to you.
My N boyfriend is already 2 years without work and previously he had a very well paid and important job. He loved the power and attention he got and was a real bully to the staff, so eventually he got fired. He was not able to get another job, it either paid not enough, didn’t bring enough status. If he went to interviews (was rare) and he would not get hired, he was extremely disappointed and eventually didn’t make any effort anymore. The reasons for them not to hire him was always, because they felt threatened by such an experienced and strong man. I’ve been not able to work since this happened. If I need to travel – it’s hell and he breaks up with me in rage just before I leave. When I am busy and working late (had to sometimes), I don’t have my priorities straight, neglect him and don’t love him. He felt so bad, he asked me to stop working and promised he he would pay me to stay with him. I actually didn’t want, but because of the pressure – negative comments, I did. The next week I got a call from someone who learned I had left the company and she was very interested to start up a business – she thought I am great business women and it would be fun to work together. My boyfriend thought it would be a small and insignificant thing and made fun about it, until I came home one day and asked him his opinion about my business plan and showed him the details. I was so proud to show him what I did. He went into rage. Why did I not want to do this with him and have to have everything for myself. I offered him to also start up a similar company with him in a different area….this he liked…..in the beginning. We would be 50/50 partners and he started to press me to take less shares in the company, because he only has one company and me 2, so I would spend not as much time and effort in our common company as he would. He is the whole day busy, but never with work. I said no. it’s my idea, I am also doing all the work, so I take 1/2 the cake. He started to go on lunches and dinners (alone) with business people he knew just to tell them that HE is starting a business and took my idea as his. Never ever anything happened after these lunches, it was all show – no content. He kept pushing me to take less shares and eventually he kicked me out of the house after he again was raging over nothing of importance. I got a mail that he would continue the company without me, after all the suffering he had because of me and the lack of trust he has in me. If I would behave nicely to him I can work for him as employee. Sure, I can do the dirty work and he wants all the credits, play the big boss and successful business man. He has the need to be praised and perceived as great. He even canceled appointments, because the customer was more interested in what I had to say and he felt left out. Everything needs to be about him. He calls me princess, stupid, bitch, selfish, egoistic, lazy, not respectful, naive, shopaholic, and I am not even half as great as he is, but too arrogant to admit this. Maybe he should continue this company alone. This men never did anything himself, but ordering people around. When there is nobody to give the order to, I am curious how that will be….
Are you still WITH this guy? Why? Its never ever ever ever going to change. So you need to figure out what you are getting out of this? Are you repeating a childhood pattern and feel better about yourself when you are being punished and blamed for things or what? You need to read a lot of books about narcissism and borderline disorder. And you need to get away from this situation. When you are gone, he will plead and plead for you to come back. And then will come the real shock: he will find someone else in a heartbeat to replace you in this scenario. And he will repeat this exact set of behaviors with them. Get away. Now.
Dear Merrill,
THX for your reply. To answer your question: I am not with him anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, because I destroy his life, self esteem, don’t contribute anything while he does everything for me and he doesn’t feel loved by me. I guess right now he will give me ‘the silent treatment’ as he so often did to punish me. Next to this he wants me to pay back everything he ‘invested’ in me over the past 6 years and demands me to pay him 80.000 euro. Although I regret our separation (we have a wonderful son together), I will try to move on without him. I so recognize the stories from other persons who deal with a N partner. Rationally I’ve made the decision, but emotionally I am not there yet. I will make every effort though to go on alone with the kids, since I am not the only one who is suffering from this relationship. Lucky for me I kept my own house XXX AM
I suggest that you begin to read book after book about narcissism and borderline disorder. Type them in to the search engine on Amazon and VOILA. Maybe also try a few about sociopathy, since that might also apply. The more expert opinion you take in on this, the more you will free yourself from the trap you are in, realize there is nothing to do but stay away and also hopefully free your son from the effect that his Dad is going to have on him. Good luck!
My N husband is a controlling asshole. We’ve been married for thirteen years and I’ve only recently discovered what the eff is wrong with him. Three years ago I nearly left him. I had filed for divorce and everything. That’s when I got the royal treatment. He was suddenly a changed man! Unfortunately, I gave him a second chance. He’s been on his best behavior ever since. Until…
In December of last year he confessed he’s been having an emotional affair with a 19 year old. This is the second time he’s pulled this shit in our marriage. Of course, he minimized everything. He refuses to stop contact with her and really loves to rub in how much this little girl just loves him to death. All his comments about her are designed to keep me chasing after him in an attempt to prove my love.
I’ve had it, as you can imagine. I try to be home as little as possible, but you know when I’m gone he’s all pouty and grouchy. I get pissy comments about how he wants to spend time with me. Actually, if I do anything that doesn’t revolve around him I get pissy comments. I no longer show any reaction except a passing disinterest to anything he says. When he starts getting antsy for attention I yawn. When he asks if I’m okay I always smile and say yes no matter what he just told me. His favorite activity lately is acting extremely happy and upbeat even though these are inappropriate reactions to have when your marriage falling apart. It’s weird.
Recent examples that might entertain you:
“What’s the point of you even having a phone if you’re not going to call and text me?”
“I look forward to spending time with you all week and now you’re going to take off? You’ll notice I’m not going anywhere. If I wanted to make plans I could, but I’m not, so why are you?”
“You’re taking that out of context. When I said I would have a relationship with (insert teenage girlfriend’s name here) if I were single I didn’t mean it that way.”
“(Teenage girlfriend) told me today that she would basically do anything I wanted her to.”
“I know you’re not that happy right now, but I’m really happy. Nothing can get me down.”
“I like it when you’re happy and bouncy. Where’s the happy and bouncy you?”
“If you leave just know that I will never speak to you or see you again. I will cut you out completely.” (this one is odd because we have a child)
What you are describing is such an awful uncomfortable situation for everyone except, probably, your kid. And that’s the factor that needs to be weighed before you make what would otherwise be an easy decision. The husband is high off his new narcissistic supply. If you were my friend, I would tell you ‘Just keep your eyes open. The most difficult decisions here may be made for you.’
At first I thought you were my N posing as me! Wow. They really are all alike!
I posted here before but I now have a new story and it’s equally as shocking. I am divorced from my ex N husband. He left me 18 months ago, cleaned out the bank accounts, left me with all of the bills and responsibility and raged at me when I would no longer pay his bills (such as car insurance and phone bill) even though I continued to pay them for 6 months after he left. Anyway, not only did he do all of the above but he came back into the house and stole my stuff to “sell” because he was in a rage about me not paying his bills anymore. I have since divorced him and changed the locks on the house. While in a N rage he told me he was going to tell my kids a huge family secret that would destroy my family and destroy my kids – he threatened to put it on facebook (where he had over 700 friends). The secret involved molestation by someone in the family and one of the victims was my daughter (also his daughter). We had dealt with it years ago (with the family member that did this) and never told anyone to keep my daughter’s business private. We weren’t even sure she would remember and we had already decided on telling her when she was old enough to deal with it. He threatened to put THAT on FB. So, I beat him to the punch and told the kids first in hopes of softening the blow and so they wouldn’t learn about something that heinous on FB and from his viewing audience. My kids were devastated and equally disgusted that their father would use it as “leverage” to hurt me and them. It’s a heinous, heinout act. They didn’t have a relationship with their dad before that was the last straw and now they are NC on him. So, he did all of these things to us – plus smear us daily on FB and lie to everyone about my supposed “affairs” and my kids disrespect toward him and we’re all just awful x 100. He has already moved on and found someone new. Anyway, he texts my sister the other day and (God knows why he insists on trying to stay in contact with my family) but he attempts to. He tells my sister that he was glad to do a small favor for her daughter even though he’s been through a lot the last year and it’s been hard on him . LIke he’s the hero. He was searching for a pat on the back and at the same time was smearing me because in his mind I put him through the ringer. It made me realize that after 18 months, a slew of horrible behavior toward me and his own kids, he hasn’t even for ONE second been sorry, saddened or even missed his own kids. It’s still all about him and he’s still the victim!! My kids are not only disgusted by their own father but he has tried to tell them he’s the victim and what he threatened to do was a good thing because it made them aware of what happened years ago.
Have you ever heard of anything more sick?
He will always always always be like this. It might be a good idea to get some more books on sociopathy and borderline disorder and make yourself so full of information about how it all works that nothing he ever does or threatens to do in the future will seem surprising. Then stay away from him forever. GOOD LUCK to you and your kids. Keep them away from him.
i´ve been surrounded with a narcissistic family altogether (always selfcentered, with martyr complex, only worried about what others may think, lack of tact and emotional blackmail…etc)and the must painful thing is that it took me long to realize that they were narcissists …it seems like it´s a trend in my life or something cause i also seem to attract narcissistic teachers and boyfriends…maybe that´s the only way of treatment i´m familiar with :s (theterfore i unconsciously expect to be treated like narcissists treat others)
when you grow up so used to being treated like crap by your narcissistic family you may even stop thinking you could be treated any better
but there are ways to work on this as long as we recognize and accept that we are on our own and support won´t come from the family but from our ability to make things change for the better
In December of 2009, I went in for an endometrial ablation. The procedure had been scheduled for a couple of months. Right before the procedure, we purchased a house. Now, the house we were living in had not been sold, so we were in no real rush to move. However, I have the procedure, get home and start taking 2 Percocet every two hours as instructed. The pain was excruciating, and I took the pills only so that I could sleep through the pain.
He comes home from work, and starts loading the truck. He comes upstairs and wakes me up and asks me to help. I can barely move or even talk. The pain was similar to late labor pains. He then proceeds to take the dresser downstairs by himself, fussing the whole time about how I should have put the surgery off because I knew he wanted to move (I didn’t until the day before), etc. He moves several other things by himself, including the recliner. He tells me that he slipped with the recliner and hurt his back in the process. For the next six months, I heard about how he had to move by himself and now has to deal with the back pain from it.
This is so painful to read, I can only imagine what it’s like to live through. The books on narcissism and borderline are helpful, but I’d like to add Janice Abrams Spring’s work: How Can I Ever Forgive You and possibly After the Affair. Even if the text doesn’t relate exactly to your situation, the information can help in terms of self understanding. And How Can I Forgive You has a great description of the more masculine face of passive-aggressive personalities. (Not to mention aggressive-aggressive.) Take care – Brook
My ex N invited me out to dinner with some of his friends visiting from out of state. Dinner seemed to go off well. We all talked, laughed and got to know eachother. I thought we had a good time. After dinner we went back to his place. When we got out of the car he told me: “You got more attention than me!” and proceeded to stomp off back to his place without a word leaving me at the curb by my car. And then for good measure, he gave me the cold shoulder for two weeks. When I didn’t take the bait and persue him he called up and asked me “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?”.
I wish I could say that this was the end of our relationship but I got hoovered a couple of times after this. But, today I’m free. No contact. Blocked out his email and phone number.