I got it: The cure for pedophilia in the priesthood.

Posted April 13th, 2010
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I was taking a shower this morning and it came to me in a flash.  The cure for getting rid of pedophiles from the priesthood will come when the Vatican finally allows priests to marry.  Especially if it allows them to marry children. Read more

Elena Kagan….

Posted April 9th, 2010
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Based on this picture, I predict that if  Elena Kagan gets confirmed as the new Supreme Court justice,  she will do for Patton Oswalt what Sarah Palin did for Tina Fey. Read more

Well, I’m in the Wall Street Journal

Posted March 27th, 2010
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Because, you know, I’m such a big player on Wall Street. Read more

The poems of Dorothy Parker: Damn!

Posted March 20th, 2010

May I humbly suggest that everyone who stumbled upon this entry go immediately to google and enter “Dorothy Parker, poems of”. Every so often I re-read them and  just want to sing her praises, that’s all.  Brilliant is too often repeated a word to describe her work. Here is a perfect 4 line example that makes me gasp every time I read it. Its the end of a poem called “Ballade of a Great Weariness.” Read more

Wanna be a member?

Posted March 12th, 2010
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Now that I have gotten in to the habit of blogging on here, I feel kind of guilty when I don’t.  I might as well have been raised Catholic. The truth is, I haven’t written anything in a while because I bought a green screen.  It started when I saw Avatar and I thought “Hell, I can do that.”. No no. Just kidding. It started when I saw two 8 year old boys on You Tube making green screens with chartreuse construction paper.  I said to myself, I said I said, “I can’t be stupider than an eight year old.” Even though I didn’t really want to test myself and learn the horrible truth. Read more

NEW extra strength Spam: Now with several exciting updates

Posted March 4th, 2010
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Remember the olden days of the internet , when your aol or earthlink mailbox would fill up with  spam for penis extenders and discount viagara? I’m getting a little misty eyed just thinking about  that bygone time, back at the beginning of the new century, before sophisticated spam filters came on the scene and disappeared all that stuff for us. Of course that didn’t mean the end of spam by any means. Earlier this year, I  had my name stolen by spammers  who were running around opening up Twitter and Facebook accounts for me. One minute I was a professional smart ass and then just like that, I was a shill for hot hot hot naked girls. (Although I confess, for a minute I suspected it was part of  some kind of massive conspiracy to prevent me from being the last person without a Facebook page.) Read more

How Westminster always looks to me.

Posted February 18th, 2010
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Every year I watch the Westminster dog show and I think about making this. This year I did it. Here it is. Read more

The Greatest Love the World Has Ever Known: An analysis

Posted February 12th, 2010
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Well, its Valentines Day, almost. I’ve actually had a few nice ones in a row since I am happily co-habitating with someone I genuinely like. But as usual for me this time of year,  I start thinking about the lack of reasonable romantic role models in the world at large.  My family didn’t provide one. And come on… don’t we all want to see  a functioning hopeful model? Read more

New worst word ever: This time from the 1950’s.

Posted February 7th, 2010

As if show business in general and television in particular wasn’t hard enough on women. there is an  obituary today in the NY Times about  the first woman  ever to direct a TV show. She looks like a lovely woman. She had a nice long life. But wasn’t it punishment enough for Frances that it had to come to an end? Did she really need to be further punished by having the word FEMCEE disinterred, even momentarily,  in her obituary?  SHEESH! Read more

“Something Extremely Important”: my new video

Posted January 31st, 2010
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I just turned a draft of my newest book in to a new editor. That means it is a very tense time for me. Therefore I have been doing what I always do when I am tense: edit my little films.  This is a video I have been working  a while. I was trying to make it as a stand alone film, but now I have decided to combine it with footage I was given of me reading the piece at a benefit for Tails of Joy, a great dog rescue run by my friend Elayne Boosler.  SO….here it is: Read more

Better intended games to entertain prisoners

Posted January 27th, 2010
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Hopefully this ruling will encourage prisoners to play more Monopoly, which will help  foster an inmate’s obsession with remaining in the real life correctional environment,  buying it,  and eventually turning it in to apartments and  hotels. Read more

Cleaning out my office: A potpourri of stuff I saved

Posted January 24th, 2010
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Because I am a writer, I am always at work. What I mean is that I regard everything that comes toward me as potential subject matter.  And although I am not a hoarder, my fascination for the show “Hoarders” on A&E probably comes from my own tendency to save stuff in case I ever need it as a detail , if not a topic, for something I am going to write. I guess its kind of a relief to see how far I am from a worst case scenario. Nevertheless, my office is always a mess.  And not only because I am not tidy. Its because I save  tons of articles and pamphlets and books on surfaces around me, thinking I am going to need them someday. Then when that day comes ,  I never  find them because they are buried in a file (or a pile) called “Ideas for Stuff.” Read more

This new supreme court corporate donations ruling: here’s the sane solution

Posted January 22nd, 2010
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Now that this new Supreme Court ruling has opened the door officially to unlimited campaign control on the part of giant corporations,  it seems like it will no longer make  sense  to pretend that the “people” holding our nation’s highest political offices are actually not just figure heads for consortiums of international corporations. It’s easy for us to get confused and think of them as “people” (as in individuals, human beings) because they do peopley kinds of things like get haircuts, go on vacations, have sex with people they are not married to,etc. But the truth is that the only path to truly understanding the behavior of these so-called “people” depends on being able to see through the glossy veneer of their indecipherable yammering to the lobbyists and corporate interests who are really at their core. Read more

He had every last attribute. He Was Perfect.

Posted January 15th, 2010

Damn. Just my luck to find out about this after enrollment is closed. Read more

Goodbye disgusting string: I AM HEALED!

Posted January 5th, 2010
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Happy Nudibranch!

Posted January 2nd, 2010
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starfish 1anemone 2pelican and gull Read more

Happy New Year!

Posted December 31st, 2009

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Some Amusing Christmas thingies

Posted December 22nd, 2009

Well, this has been a weird Holiday Season for me so far. My brother got in to a car wreck so I went to Cincinnati for a few days to help out, etc. Upon arriving home yesterday,  I was perusing my local papers to see what if anything had happened while my back was turned, and came upon this very festive holiday greeting from the local septic tank pumper. My heart was instantly warmed because after all… how cold hearted would you have to be to not find yourself moved, at this time of year, by the emotional story of the little septic boy .septic boy Read more

New category: Pretty but horrible

Posted December 13th, 2009
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My first two nominees: Read more

A very Bob Dylan Christmas from me to you.

Posted December 12th, 2009
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Bob Dylan's Christmas Lights Bob Dylan has a new Christmas album out. Here is a link. Click on this:(  I’ll Be Home for Christmas) and let’s listen to him sing “I’ll be Home for Christmas” together as I tell you the heartwarming story of what Bob’s version of the song means to me. Read more

Worried about health reform? Just relax.

Posted December 10th, 2009
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Perhaps you have also been fretting over the health care reform bill in its many and mysterious myriad mutations. I started out excited, especially about the public option and the idea of presenting a counter-punch  to those miserable insurance company behemoths,  their continually rising rates and their hideous unknowable opt-outs for pre-existing conditions etc. Then the public option started to blink on and off like a bunch of quantum dots and  the rest of the bill became more or less incomprehensible. So I decided to stop following the ongoing debate too closely.It was becoming too upsetting. Read more

I finally figured out why everyone is so goofy at my gym.

Posted December 8th, 2009
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fact reduction2
The place was never an institution of higher learning or anything but lately they started posting signs indicating they are selling additional services. Tonight I bothered to read the signs more closely. I don’t know what Hydrolipo Sculpting, Carboxy Therapy or Lymph Drainage are… But Mesotherapy for FACT REDUCTION? Sorry. I don’t want to seem judgmental.But judging from the looks of things around there, I doubt that its a good idea.fact reduction c.u. Read more

My favorite holiday tradition:thirteen free movie screeners(updated)

Posted December 2nd, 2009
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Its the happ-happ-happiest time of the year for me. This is the time of the year where  all my union memberships finally pay off each time Fed Ex shows up unannounced in my driveway  to bestow upon me unexpected ‘for your consideration’ movie screeners. And generally the movies are all the ones I already put on my netflix queue;  the weird or smart indie films that were well reviewed and had light attendance. Yes, each screener comes complete with  an accompanying threatening message which sometimes go so far as to ask you to destroy the screener after you have partook. These warnings seem to get increasingly dire every year. I will not be surprised to get one this year that asks me to kill myself after I am done enjoying the film. But know what? It will be a small sacrifice to make considering how much I love getting these darn things delivered unasked for, for free. And last year this approach paid off for Slumdog Millionaire in spades. I don’t know how many people saw it before the free screeners went out. I know I didn’t. But I was instantly riveted by my free screener . In fact you can probably use that as a standard of comparison as to whether or not you agree with my taste/and/or recommendations. Some people had complaints with that movie. I watched it twice in a row and loved it. Read more

Narcissists Say the Darndest Things: Great Quotes by Narcissists

Posted November 25th, 2009
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This is a page on which I hope you, the person who knows an annoying narcissist, will contribute a little something. I am seeking a collection of great memorable quotes by the narcissist in your life. I want the quote that makes your head spin and your mouth hang open with its egomaniacal cluelessness; The quote that you fish out to tell your uncomprehending friends at dinner parties in order to better describe the problem you have had with this person.newyorker-cartoon Read more

A Holiday Greeting from E! The Entertainment Network!

Posted November 23rd, 2009
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I just got home from a week in Ohio and Indiana though it will take me a few more days before the driving, flying and attending family functions actually goes in to remission.  But as I sit here going through my e mails, trying to regain the focus required to resume and also finish writing my book , I can not help but be pre-occupied by the following: Read more

Thanksgiving: An overlooked industry that could spawn new jobs

Posted November 17th, 2009

yard turkeyI’ve always wondered why enterprising American businessmen and women have permitted the decorations to slag off entirely between Halloween and Christmas when there are a clear cut number of weeks when people could be inspired to buy a whole other set of lights, ornaments and figurines for Thanksgiving. Especially now that we are in a recession and new environmentally harmless industries are needed. Meanwhile, over the years the Halloween train has been getting longer and longer.  The level of art direction ,the sophistication of the Halloween lights, (in a tony purple and orange) and the addition of an endless pantheon of new and much more frighteningly real looking scary figures and weird substances to hang in the yard  has been clearly increasing. Some catalogs I browse even sell Halloween ornaments and trees. Now that’s the American ingenuity I grew up with! Read more

On the road: I got recognized. Unfortunately it was here…

Posted November 17th, 2009

Demon chld and dino babyAt The Creation Museum in Kentucky, a place where a little information goes a long way because, well, that’s what they make available and also you know… its God’s will. And because that’s the premise of the museum– to offer the creationist view of the world. On the plus side, it was art directed by someone from Universal studios so its got some very nice animatronics. Read more

Regarding dick jokes and the worlds best beet salad recipe

Posted November 13th, 2009
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I am going to Ohio and  Indiana this week to visit my relatives and those of  the boyfriend with whom I cohabit. I might write something during the week. Or I might not. Meanwhile I thought I would respond to this odd question I got earlier today and also offer a beet salad recipe. Read more

UPDATE: I am no longer pissed about all of this.

Posted November 9th, 2009
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So…I have been purposefully staying off Twitter and the rest of the social networks because I felt like they would be a distraction from the stuff I want to get done.  Plus I am kind of a competitive person. If I was on Twitter, I said  to myself, I said I said,  I would start to think I had better start writing more one liners for Twitter. I would be thinking, all day long, “Oh God, I haven’t written anything new on Twitter in four hours.” And “Look! Laura’s got a new Twit. I’d better think of something.” and “Oh shit. They’ve ALL got new twits. And I’m still sitting here not writing!” And  I’d start fretting about it . And that is nerve wracking and time consuming. And I am trying to finish a book. And in order to finish a book, I need hundreds of hours of time wasted on nothing. Because writing a book is very hard.At least to me it is. I waste a lot of time pulling out my hair and conducting pointless google searches before I get down to business. Read more

Her ‘hideosity’ is my regular day at work

Posted November 5th, 2009

I was trying to figure out what to write here. I always think I should be weighing in on topics of importance. Like how much I am for the public option, or how much I hate the Sarah Palin/Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh edge of the Republican party. Etc. Etc. Instead, here is what I spent a lot of the morning fretting about: Mariah Carey and her transformation from theoretically gorgeous and glamorous to theoretically “hideous” and “dowdy” in her new role in the theoretically fabulous new movie “Precious.” Of course, I haven’t seen the movie yet so I can’t speak to its quality. The clips on-line certainly look compelling. But in a big feature article in today’s L.A. Times Mariah tells us that, to create the character of “a dowdy welfare caseworker”,the “drab but deeply empathetic soul” named Ms. Weiss she had to “lose all vanityHideous Mariah.” Read more