A year ago I went to The Creation Museum in Kentucky and looked at all the proof that the world was created just 6,000 years ago. Finally it dawned on me that I could help them make their case. Read more
I have been preoccupied, lately, with whether this is an especially crazy time to be alive, what with the instantaneous information/misinformation bleeding out of the internet. (See the thing about Tacitus in the blog just before this one.) I do think that crime and show business have never been more closely aligned. I don’t know if there has ever been a time where criminal arrests are worth as much in terms of $$ as going on a publicity tour or being in a movie . But otherwise, I am starting to conclude: apparently things have always been running like this. Here is a quote from a book review of a new biography of George Washington (by Ron Chernow) in today’s NY Times Read more
I feel compelled to keep up with the news for some reason, even though it causes me to then spend an awful lot of time fretting about the way things are going and the ways things are going to end up. I follow that with long spells of wondering what I am supposed to do to help or how I may be inadvertently contributing to harm. When I think about it all, it just seems like everything keeps getting worse and its a trend no one can reverse. And when I say ‘it’ I mean…you know…IT. All of it. Crazy egomaniacs with big mouths and tiny brains, economic policy debates,wars and plans for more wars, disasters both man made and natural, ridiculous people running for office, leaders of other countries who seem mentally ill, etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. Read more
HOORAY for me But at least on some level, a draft of it is finished. Its a book of essays. It includes a lengthy piece about my mother, for which I will be going to hell. The title of the book MIGHT be “Cool, Calm and Contentious.” although that makes me sound a little like Clint Eastwood. All I know is that now, suddenly, I am not swimming in three feet of loose paper. I write on the computer but in the final stages I find that I can’t see what, if anything, the book says unless I print it out. Pretty soon my already cluttered office looks like I am ready for a segment on hoarders. Read more
I am trying very hard to finish up the first draft of a new book of essays. It is taking forever and is endlessly labor intensive. So I did what any right thinking person would do to cope: I started a TUMBLR. I had never even been ON Tumblr before so I don’t like this format so much. I will almost definitely change it pretty soon. But meanwhile we, the two human residents of my household, have taken to documenting the shoes that we see left behind at Zuma Beach every time we go for a walk there. So many poor lost forgotten shoes. Once the cheery companions at summer picnics, happily filled with feet…now alone and abandoned in the parking lot or on the sand. Poor poor sad lonely shoes of Zuma. Read more
Being a writer sometimes leads to unexpected situations. The one that happened today involved a text book requesting permission to reprint a piece that I wrote ten years ago. Read more
I think it is time for me to have a reality show. So I have made the important decisions. Read more
Its the 4th of July and I am still in the middle of a rewrite of this new book of essays. I’ve been at it so long I am not sure if I am writing in English. Read more
Puppyboy Does the Proust Questionnaire Read more
Costco: A Love Story in Four Acts. Read more
UPDATE: I got my ten names. That was fast. Oh well. You missed out. Unless we already had an exchange and you gave me your address. But may I encourage you to please buy a copy of my book in paperback? Because…uh…you need something funny to read and I have to earn a living. Read more
Apparently some residents of Guyana are trying to resurrect Jonestown as a tourist attraction, according to an article in today’s New York Times. Read more
The man who took this photo in 1999 (Vern Evans) for “Merrill Markoe’s Guide to Love” has it posted on his Facebook page. I hadn’t seen it in a while and then a friend sent it to me. So I was looking at it and thinking”What does this remind me of?” And then it occurred to me: I was ahead of the whole Sarah Palin Wilderness Woman curve. In fact its possible that she stole the image from me. Though she did make a few big important pointlessly horrible changes . For instance, this photo was taken right before I boarded a helicopter to go shoot myself some vegetables. Read more
I am in the middle of a massive re-write of my new book which is a book of essays. My new editor had many many notes. So it has been a very labor intensive time for me. Read more
Well….my book Nose Down Eyes Up comes out in paperback today. Yes… all the great dog and human humor of the original is now smaller and cheaper! Read more
I was taking a shower this morning and it came to me in a flash. The cure for getting rid of pedophiles from the priesthood will come when the Vatican finally allows priests to marry. Especially if it allows them to marry children. Read more
Based on this picture, I predict that if Elena Kagan gets confirmed as the new Supreme Court justice, she will do for Patton Oswalt what Sarah Palin did for Tina Fey. Read more
Because, you know, I’m such a big player on Wall Street. Read more
May I humbly suggest that everyone who stumbled upon this entry go immediately to google and enter “Dorothy Parker, poems of”. Every so often I re-read them and just want to sing her praises, that’s all. Brilliant is too often repeated a word to describe her work. Here is a perfect 4 line example that makes me gasp every time I read it. Its the end of a poem called “Ballade of a Great Weariness.” Read more
Now that I have gotten in to the habit of blogging on here, I feel kind of guilty when I don’t. I might as well have been raised Catholic. The truth is, I haven’t written anything in a while because I bought a green screen. It started when I saw Avatar and I thought “Hell, I can do that.”. No no. Just kidding. It started when I saw two 8 year old boys on You Tube making green screens with chartreuse construction paper. I said to myself, I said I said, “I can’t be stupider than an eight year old.” Even though I didn’t really want to test myself and learn the horrible truth. Read more
Remember the olden days of the internet , when your aol or earthlink mailbox would fill up with spam for penis extenders and discount viagara? I’m getting a little misty eyed just thinking about that bygone time, back at the beginning of the new century, before sophisticated spam filters came on the scene and disappeared all that stuff for us. Of course that didn’t mean the end of spam by any means. Earlier this year, I had my name stolen by spammers who were running around opening up Twitter and Facebook accounts for me. One minute I was a professional smart ass and then just like that, I was a shill for hot hot hot naked girls. (Although I confess, for a minute I suspected it was part of some kind of massive conspiracy to prevent me from being the last person without a Facebook page.) Read more
Every year I watch the Westminster dog show and I think about making this. This year I did it. Here it is. Read more
Well, its Valentines Day, almost. I’ve actually had a few nice ones in a row since I am happily co-habitating with someone I genuinely like. But as usual for me this time of year, I start thinking about the lack of reasonable romantic role models in the world at large. My family didn’t provide one. And come on… don’t we all want to see a functioning hopeful model? Read more
As if show business in general and television in particular wasn’t hard enough on women. there is an obituary today in the NY Times about the first woman ever to direct a TV show. She looks like a lovely woman. She had a nice long life. But wasn’t it punishment enough for Frances that it had to come to an end? Did she really need to be further punished by having the word FEMCEE disinterred, even momentarily, in her obituary? SHEESH! Read more
I just turned a draft of my newest book in to a new editor. That means it is a very tense time for me. Therefore I have been doing what I always do when I am tense: edit my little films. This is a video I have been working a while. I was trying to make it as a stand alone film, but now I have decided to combine it with footage I was given of me reading the piece at a benefit for Tails of Joy, a great dog rescue run by my friend Elayne Boosler. SO….here it is: Read more
Hopefully this ruling will encourage prisoners to play more Monopoly, which will help foster an inmate’s obsession with remaining in the real life correctional environment, buying it, and eventually turning it in to apartments and hotels. Read more
