When did everyone decide they’re all so HOT?

Posted June 10th, 2011
Tags: , , , ,

I know for a fact that there are no nude pictures of me circulating anywhere . For one thing, I never had any taken. I’m just not the type to do that. I also felt that it would somehow take away from my work . By which I mean; how could I hope to make a living pointing out other peoples imperfections if mine were glaringly on display?  Which brings me to this: When did everyone everywhere decide they were so goddamn hot that they needed as many strangers as possible to see them naked? I mean, there has always been a group of people whose job definitions included naked posing. But  it didn’t used to be most of us. Read more

Sign of the end times: I’m in the Wall St. Journal

Posted May 21st, 2011

Here is the piece they published. Read more

What it sounds like in my head between projects

Posted May 15th, 2011
Tags: , ,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-blqARfMnX8 Read more

Two Big Announcements

Posted May 4th, 2011

Okay, two announcements.  I think I said that already. Only the other time I added the word big. Read more

The laughter that pisses me off.

Posted May 1st, 2011

I am usually kind of slow to anger. I weigh a lot of possible reactions before I give in.  I move chess pieces around. I argue pros and cons with myself.
So when something instantly enrages me, it gets my attention.  And I had that experience the other morning when I watched this video, which is entitled ‘Ha Ha Ha mantra’ .  Okay I know what my reaction to it is SUPPOSED to be. I’m supposed to look at this and think “She’s so smart. See how she is teaching everyone that laughter is the best medicine?”  But only a few seconds into watching  this video,  I started to get angry.  About half way through, I was so furious I had to turn it off. Read more

The Povertique Of Urban Outfitters

Posted March 3rd, 2011

I was just perusing my new Urban Outfitters catalog because I actually like Urban Outfitters.  I think I’m drawn in by the amount of  pissed off looking models who wear bangs. “They have bangs! I have bangs” i think to myself,forgetting what a long distance I am from the fifteen year old girl who appears to be the target audience. Lately, though, the Urban Outfitter style book is drifting farther and farther away from the metaphorical dock on which I anchor my hypothetical boat. Read more

My pushy manipulative unbalanced Valentine

Posted February 11th, 2011
Tags: , , , ,

When it comes to love,  seems to me that no creature on the face of the earth is as generally clueless about what to do as the human being.  Witness this  clip of two albatrosses in love. (spoiler alert: Albatross porn. Parental guidance advised.) Both members of the lovely couple  were clearly born fully loaded with detailed instructional software that explained to them how they should perform this incredibly appealing highly effective mating ritual . I personally find it so moving and convincing that I would join their species happily if only it were an option. Read more

Somehow the Morgan Library forgot to invite me.

Posted January 23rd, 2011
Tags: , , ,

There is a new show at the Morgan Library and Museum, in NYC, that appears to be retrospective of the human being and his centuries old need to present himself and his life through the keeping of diaries.  From the review I read in the N.Y. Times, it looks  like an exhibit I would love. The show appears to contain everything from a fifteenth century ” first printed edition of St. Augustine’s ‘Confessions,’ and that book’s 18th-century secular heir, Rousseau’s “Confessions” to the hand written  musings of assorted luminaries such as Sir Walter Scott,  Emily Bronte, and Nathaniel Hawthorne and his wife (see below). There are also contributions from that old diary perennial Anais Nin as well as  musings from Bob Dylan, Tennessee Williams and a policeman at the site of the World Trade Center during 9/11. All appear to share the amazing details of being alive in their particular moment. Somehow everyone seems to know instinctively how to create the kind of entry that deserves to be placed upon the sands of time and burned in to the pages of history. Read more

Don’t introduce me to your new love until after a year.

Posted January 20th, 2011
Tags: , , ,

I kind of like cooking. Therefore I like cooking dinner for my friends on special occasions.  But on this, the twentieth day of the first month of a new year, I am making a new house rule: Read more

Learning to love a kindle.

Posted January 3rd, 2011

On this, the eve of the release of the brand new novel by Snooki, I am thinking about my new kindle. Read more

A very Bob Dylan Christmas, part deux

Posted December 2nd, 2010
Tags: , ,

Its the hap hap happiest day of the year for me. The holiday season has officially started.  I am talking about the unveiling of this year’s Bob Dylan Christmas tableau. Read more

A scary story: My audition for reality show host

Posted October 31st, 2010

I have been cleaning out my office again…an unpleasant task I don’t do often enough.  Even after I accomplish it on some level, the place still remains packed full of stuff I can’t bring myself to throw away because it has been blessed and/or cursed with the title of ‘potential source material.’ By that I mean something I might eventually write about.  So some of it ends up on book shelves.  Some of it gets crammed in to files that I forget ever existed until the next time I decide to clean out my office. Read more

The Book of Genestones

Posted October 27th, 2010

A year ago I went to The Creation Museum in Kentucky and looked at all the proof that the world was created just 6,000 years ago. Finally it dawned on me that I could help them make their case. Read more

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss: Part Two

Posted September 28th, 2010

I have been preoccupied, lately, with whether this is an especially crazy time to be alive, what with the instantaneous information/misinformation bleeding out of the internet. (See the thing about Tacitus in the blog just before this one.) I do think that crime and show business have never been more closely aligned. I don’t know if there has ever been a time where criminal arrests are worth as much in terms of $$ as going on a publicity tour or being in a movie . But otherwise, I am starting to conclude: apparently things have always been running like this. Here is a quote from a book review of a new biography of George Washington (by Ron Chernow)  in today’s NY Times Read more

My new cure for political nerves

Posted September 14th, 2010

I feel compelled to keep up with the news for some reason, even though it causes me to then spend an awful lot of time fretting about the way things are going and the ways things are going to end up. I follow that with long spells of wondering what I am supposed to do to help or how I may be inadvertently contributing to harm.  When I think about it all, it  just seems like everything keeps getting worse and its a trend no one can reverse. And when I say ‘it’ I mean…you know…IT. All of it. Crazy egomaniacs with big mouths and tiny brains,  economic policy debates,wars and plans for more wars, disasters both man made and natural, ridiculous people running for office, leaders of other countries who seem mentally ill, etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc. Read more

I just finished my new book

Posted September 11th, 2010

HOORAY for me But at least on some level, a draft of it is finished. Its a book of essays. It includes a lengthy piece about my mother, for which I will be going to hell.   The title of the book MIGHT be “Cool, Calm and Contentious.”  although that makes me sound a little like Clint Eastwood. All I know is that now, suddenly, I am not swimming in three feet of loose paper.  I write on the computer but in the final stages I find that I can’t see what, if anything, the book says unless I print it out. Pretty soon my already cluttered office looks like I am ready for a segment on hoarders. Read more

The Lost Shoes of Zuma

Posted August 13th, 2010

I am trying very hard to finish up the first draft of a new book of essays.  It is taking forever and is endlessly labor intensive.  So I did what any right thinking person would do to cope: I started a TUMBLR. I had never even been ON Tumblr before so I don’t like this format so much. I will almost definitely change it pretty soon.  But meanwhile we, the two human residents of my household, have taken to documenting the shoes that we see left behind at Zuma Beach every time we go for a walk there.  So many poor lost forgotten shoes.  Once  the cheery companions at summer picnics, happily filled with feet…now alone and abandoned in the parking lot or on the sand.  Poor poor sad lonely shoes of Zuma. Read more

Is this going to be on the test?

Posted August 6th, 2010
Tags: , , ,

Being a writer sometimes leads  to unexpected situations.  The one that happened today involved a text book requesting permission to reprint a piece that I wrote ten years ago. Read more

My nominee for worst art of the 21st. Century

Posted July 28th, 2010
Tags: , ,

bedbathian #1 Read more

Daddy has bought an old Thunderbird

Posted July 28th, 2010
Tags: , ,

Thunderbird: V-8 Wonder of the Western World Read more

At long last: My Reality Show

Posted July 19th, 2010
Tags: ,

I think it is time for me to have a reality show. So I have made the important decisions. Read more

Celebrating the 4th with my Obit Collection

Posted July 3rd, 2010
Tags: , , ,

Its the 4th of July and I am still in the middle of a rewrite of this new book of essays.  I’ve been at it so long I am not sure if I am writing in English. Read more

The Proust Questionnaire by Puppyboy

Posted June 30th, 2010
Tags: , , ,

Puppyboy Does the Proust Questionnaire Read more

Costco: A love story in 4 acts, kinda sorta.

Posted June 26th, 2010
Tags: , ,

Costco: A Love Story in Four Acts. Read more

Answering the musical question: You want a piece of meat?

Posted May 11th, 2010

Read more

Puppyboy : Guard Dog

Posted May 9th, 2010

Read more

Oh well: You didn’t get a free book!

Posted May 7th, 2010
Tags: , , ,

UPDATE: I got my ten names. That was fast. Oh well. You missed out. Unless we already had an exchange and you gave me your address. But may I encourage you to please buy a copy of my book in paperback? Because…uh…you need something funny to read and I have to earn a living. Read more

One Jonestown Koolaid Grande

Posted May 3rd, 2010

Apparently some residents of Guyana are trying to resurrect Jonestown as a tourist attraction, according to an article in today’s New York Times. Read more

Maybe I am the inspiration for Sarah Palin

Posted April 28th, 2010

The man who took this photo in 1999 (Vern Evans) for “Merrill Markoe’s Guide to Love”  has it posted on his Facebook page.  I hadn’t seen it in a while and then a friend sent it to me. So I was looking at it and thinking”What does this remind me of?” And then it occurred to me: I was ahead of the whole Sarah Palin Wilderness Woman curve.  In fact its possible that she stole the image from me.  Though she did make a few big important pointlessly horrible changes .  For instance,   this photo was taken right before I boarded a helicopter to go shoot myself some vegetables. Read more

Apparently the dogs have been decorating.

Posted April 25th, 2010
Tags: , ,

I am in the middle of a massive re-write of my new book which is a book of essays. My new editor had many many notes.  So it has been a very labor intensive time for me. Read more